AIBU to wonder how many chances to give him?

[Likeacowsopinionitsmoo]

I've been with my partner for 12 years, although we don't live together. Both are older (40s/50s) I love him - but how many times do I forgive him for letting me down. Tonight, once again, he's messaged me to let me know he's broken a promise he made to me on something he knows will really hurt me. He messaged so that he didn't have to tell me face to face.

It must be the 30th time he's broken a promise in the 12 years. Its always the same pattern, he waits until last minute when he has no choice but to tell me, avoids me so he doesn't have to face telling me or deal with me being upset. Says sorry, sometimes he'll buy me something or promise to make it up to me. (This doesn't always happen in the end).

I get annoyed - we don't talk for a bit. Eventually we start talking again, meet up and slowly things go back to how they were. When things are good they're genuinely great, we get on amazingly and we're best friends. Its the best relationship I have ever had, he treats me much better than my ex-husband. But yet ruins it.

All I ask for is honesty and openness. And I keep being let down.

How many chances should 1 person get? Should I just walk away?

I'm really strong, independent and professionally successful - my work colleagues would be astounded if they knew how much I accept/ forgive. I don't rely on him for anything financial, have a great social circle - when things are great he genuinely makes my life better. But yet... this keeps happening.

Well depends on what he is promising nd how it impacts you.

I think you need to share more on what he lets you down about. However my experience of this is that as much as you can love someone the continual letting down and forgiveness cycle makes you feel bad about yourself and if a relationship makes you feel shit about yourself then you have to leave

Yes, you should walk away. You’re being disrespected. How many chances should you give him? One. More than that and what message are you giving him? I’ll tell you: I’m fine with you letting me down. I’m a doormat. You can keep doing it, I won’t send you packing, I’ll suck it up and maybe turn to Mumsnet in the hope they say everyone deserves a second chance.

Is that the message you want to give? Is that what you think? Don’t you deserve better than this?

Why not give yourself a chance, not him? Move on: you can’t trust him to have your back

Its really difficult to share more details without it being outing as my friends would 100% recognise it was me, even though I've changed my username.

But its absolutely something that breaks my trust - and something that I've said previously if it keeps happening that it will mean the end of our relationship. Our finances are completely separate but it does involve him spending significant amounts of money and time with others... that's not what gets me though, its the prioritising others over me. I'm bottom of the pile again. I could have accepted it, had he just been open and honest.

Its the breach of trust and lack of thought about me. He made the choice to do this knowing he was letting me down, knowing id be hurt and upset, but just expecting me to forgive him again once it all blows over.

You know the answer to this.

You've shown him time and again that you’ll accept this shit. So you get the same behaviour.

It won’t change. So you either accept this is what the rest of your life will be like. Or you get rid. That’s it.

I recently heard something that resonated with me …. The first time someone disrespects you, you are a victim - subsequently you are a volunteer!

You can choose not to volunteer for more of this shoddy treatment - value yourself more.

Well whatever it is he clearly isn’t going to stop doing it. There’s no point in saying “ I have this boundary “ and then complaining when he keeps breaching it without consequences. Either you accept the behaviour and stop discussing it or you leave. You have not control over his behaviour I’m afraid

He treats you better than your ex but still treats you like shit. Raise the bar op. He treats you like shit because you love him more than yourself, and you let him off every time. Time to change the narrative.

How many chances? .. I think 30 is more than generous!!

I feel like this really hits me with a truth I needed to hear.... but haven't wanted to listen to.

He’s done this 30 times in 12 years?

Surely it’s obvious by now that he’s not going to change? Either accept that he’s going to keep on prioritising others over you, or end it.

Drinking, drugs, gambling or sex/porn related. He’s not going to change, time for you to move on.

Thing is, you've told him it upsets you, that it isn’t acceptable, that it’s ‘break-up’ worthy. But he still does it (which is disrespectful to you) and you are still allowing it, not putting any boundaries in place, letting him carry on as if nothing has happened. This tells him there will be no consequences so he can carry on letting you down.

So it’s really your choice, isn’t it? Carry on as you are or stand up for yourself and say enough!

Take your head out of the sand.....give it a wobble....and move on. You deserve so much more and you know it.

People treat you how you allow them to treat you !!!!!!!!!!!

It sounds like you've given him way too many chances already.

I really hope he’s not your best friend.

Sigh, I know you're all right. I know I deserve better.
I think its the sunk cost fallacy that keeps me going back. I've already spent over a decade with this man, being vulnerable, being happy (most of the time), friends/ family love him too (but don't all know about the hurt). It seems like such a waste to walk away when it could be perfect. But I can't make it perfect, it's not in my control.

The bit I can control is not to continue being treated like this. I don't want to waste more time on someone who won't prioritise me. God it is hard when you love someone though.

Are we talking about an addiction here or a choice ?

I simply wouldnt put up with it.
But Im not you and I dont know what he did so I cant say.
Id rather have nobody than somebody who repeatedly let me down.

What ever he is doing has become a habit and he doesn’t care about changing for you. He knows he’ll get away with whatever it is, because he has done 30 times already.

Hard to know how serious the issue is to be honest.
But you’re always within your right to leave a relationship at any time for any (or no) reason. You shouldn’t feel like you have to prove it’s bad enough to break up - or be waiting for proof of another failure. You can say enough is enough now.

What exactly do you love about him ? If someone were to ask him what does he love about you...what do you think he would say ??

Its not an addiction, its definitely something he is choosing.

It’s very hard to know without some idea…insisting on Sunday Dinner at his adult daughter’s without you every Sunday is very different to constant fishing/cycling/golf holidays or lending considerable money to a dysfunctional friend or getting blotto every month and peeing in your wardrobe.

However, it’s not how it would make any of us feel it’s how it makes YOU feel. Do you feel cherished and respected in your relationship? Are your boundaries respected. If the answers are no then life is too short and you need to find the strength to acknowledge he doesn’t deserve you.