AIBU to wonder how many chances to give him?

[Likeacowsopinionitsmoo]

I've been with my partner for 12 years, although we don't live together. Both are older (40s/50s) I love him - but how many times do I forgive him for letting me down. Tonight, once again, he's messaged me to let me know he's broken a promise he made to me on something he knows will really hurt me. He messaged so that he didn't have to tell me face to face.

It must be the 30th time he's broken a promise in the 12 years. Its always the same pattern, he waits until last minute when he has no choice but to tell me, avoids me so he doesn't have to face telling me or deal with me being upset. Says sorry, sometimes he'll buy me something or promise to make it up to me. (This doesn't always happen in the end).

I get annoyed - we don't talk for a bit. Eventually we start talking again, meet up and slowly things go back to how they were. When things are good they're genuinely great, we get on amazingly and we're best friends. Its the best relationship I have ever had, he treats me much better than my ex-husband. But yet ruins it.

All I ask for is honesty and openness. And I keep being let down.

How many chances should 1 person get? Should I just walk away?

I'm really strong, independent and professionally successful - my work colleagues would be astounded if they knew how much I accept/ forgive. I don't rely on him for anything financial, have a great social circle - when things are great he genuinely makes my life better. But yet... this keeps happening.

Twice.
It doesn't sound as though he's making you happy.

Is he using you as someone to fill in gaps until he has the opportunity to prioritise his friends who align with his wants, leaving you bottom of the pile? If that’s the case, my, is he selfish and callous.

If you’ve agreed with him not to go to the casino (or strip club was choice 2) and he went anyway then it’s ok for you to end the relationship for breaking your trust or if that’s a hard no for you.

ultimately it is up to him if he wants to do those things, but up to you to decide if you will tolerate it. You can’t force him not to go, but you can walk away.

Have you thought that he keeps doing it because there's zero consequences to it? If he's done this 30 times and you're still with him then you'll put up with it if he does it 40 times or 50 times

It's down to two choices

you stay with him and put up with it because he's going to keep doing it

or you break up with him

The choice that you keep hoping for that you stay with him and he doesn't do it anymore is never going to happen

I was with someone 13 years and maybe 10 of those years I told myself I couldn’t leave because of all the time I’d already put into the relationship, it’s an awful way to live. I did eventually leave and had 7 years on my own. I’m married now to a wonderful man and he loves the strong independent woman that I am so I guess those 13 years weren’t wasted as such as they taught me a great deal and if I’d left sooner I wouldn’t have been in the right place to meet DH.
All I can say is he won’t change, he hasn’t after 30 times so he won’t after any more. Only you can decide when you’re ready to leave and when enough enough.

I would give somebody a second chance but probably not a third these days. You say "he treats me much better than my ex-husband." - All things are relative though it doesn't sound like it treats you well just better than your ex husband. I think over time people letting you down just impact on what you think of them and what you think of yourself for letting them get away with it. You either have to accept this is what he's like and not let it bother you or move on because he won't change .He's got no motivation to change because you keep forgiving him.

first time… maybe a mistake
second time… hmmm
third to twelfth time… nope

dump him as he doesn’t care about you