Trapped by work, motherhood and chronic pain. I don't know what to do.

[SadAndOverwhelmed]

I don't know where I'm going wrong. I'm so unhappy and overwhelmed. DS just turned 2.

I work full time, long hours (so I have to login after bedtime) and I am the breadwinner. We can't afford me to step down or work less. I do drop offs at nursery so my mornings are stressful. DH pick him up from nursery. The second I step in the house until bedtime is just jobs. After bedtime, 3/5 nights I login to do more work. We moved house a month ago and ever since DS refuses to sleep in his crib. He cosleeps with me from about midnight. He wakes me constantly. I haven't had a block of 2 hours of sleep in a month. DH is very involved but DS only wants me at the moment. He is glued to me the second I step foot in the house. I do sometimes deliberately come home half an hour later as I can't bear it. We have tried DH helping at night for a few weeks and DS just screams and screams and screams.

Pregnancy made a genetic condition I have much worse which means I am in constant pain - I'm doing physio and all the right things, but that's to stop things getting worse. I will be in pain forever. Some people with my condition can't handle full time work at all, to put it into context.

I feel like having a child has ruined my life. I need time to sleep and for self care (not just a day here and there, but consistently) and I'm not getting any of it. My health has deteriorated so much (and it's invisible, you can't tell by looking at me so I don't get any sympathy). I have no interests, hobbies or time off.

DH takes him out on a weekend for an hour or two but I need more than that. A lot more than that. I have taken 2 weekends away with friends but that's it.

My job is a problem, the work is never ending (solicitor) and it doesn't lend well to part time work or even taking a day off. I handle a lot of cases myself so if I need time off, it's better to do it in big chunks and hand all of it over to colleagues for 2 weeks at a time. I really need to go part time but it's almost impossible in my field and the loss of income will hit us very hard. DH earns slightly above minimum wage.

I've boxed myself into a life I can't get out of. I want to kill myself every day. I go to sleep planning my suicide. Then I feel guilty because obviously I wouldn't do something so horrible to DS. But where is my escape? I want to just run away right now. That wouldn't work, i'd feel bad for DS. I don't know what to do. I'm now snappy and angry and sad all the time.

I have tried setraline in the past and it was horrific. I don't want to go near antidepressants again.

I'm so sorry, I didn't want to leave your comment with no replies.

Your son will sleep better sooner or later. That will get better by itself so just take it one night at a time.

Your job sounds awful- there's got to be something better out there. I don't know law but surely there is something with better hours - can you work as an in house lawyer in a company?

Your dh needs to take on more of the load. Either more housework or more income.

In the short term, take those two weeks off. Just do it, you really need it right now

The demands being placed on you are unsustainable. But key levers appear to be set: you are the breadwinner, so have to work, and you can't step down to alleviate the pressure off (and I totally understand that being in some high-pressure roles means if you take a day off, you just have 2 days' worth of shit to handle when you get back in - relentless).

However, there are some pressures that will ease over time. Your DS will get less clingy, he will mature, the phases will pass.

The key question is whether you can remain sane between now and then.

I doubt it, from your description.

You need to look at other options if the obvious ones (go part time, take some days off) aren't working - does your employer offer a sabbitcal? Can you just take a couple of blocks of parental leave? Can you move to less fee earning work, or even switch tracks to go on "more flexible" clients? Without wanting to out myself too much, in Big 4 we had different sectors where our skillset was sold to clients, but the investment banking clients vs. the public sector ones were totally different beasts to tame, with different frustrations, yet my salary remained the same whether i served a project on either.

Or consider a move in-house?

It sounds like you're at breaking point, and the sleep issue won't be helping.

You don't suggest any financial issues (although your work is the source of sucking more than you can give right now) - can you book yourself into a Premier inn twice a year on the cheapest rate they do just to get your sleep sorted, or have something to look forward to?

It sounds like instead of an impossible permanent fix, you urgently need things to ease your immediate problems, and short-term fixes are urgently needed from the sound of it.

I'm assuming you, like us, don't hvae family support to pull in, otherwise you'd have said it.

I'm happy to chat more if you want to DM/talk to a stranger who's been in a familiar situation (breadwinner, huge pressure, at breaking point in the past even without any health complications) but i'd really urge you to step back and try to think with a clearer head what interim things can make life easier - it's so hard to think straight when you're sleep deprived, I'm aware!

I think at this point ‘ds only wants me’ is not an option. If you can’t sleep you will break. I can’t speak to your job or how much dh pulls his weight at home, but I strongly recommend spending a night or two every week by yourself at a hotel so you can at least begin to think straight.

You are regularly thinking about suicide. That should be your wake up call.

What’s the sick pay like at your job? It’s not a long term solution, but if you were able to be signed off for a couple of weeks for stress, it might give you a chance to rest and regroup a bit? Don’t feel guilty about work, they’d replace anyone in an instant, your health comes first. You cannot continue as you are if you are feeling suicidal every day. That’s no life for anyone.

Have you spoken to dh? He needs to help more or find a solution with you

I think at this point ‘ds only wants me’ is not an option

I agree. That’s not realistic or feasible at this point. Ear plugs, white noise and a separate room or just book a few nights in a hotel and let your DH do what needs to be done.

I'm 20 years into full-time work with chronic pain and two children.
I'm 42 and probably broken forever at this point.
Do something now, your child may only want you but put your foot down and take that option off the table.
Can your husband earn extra money? Second job?

OP I was a lone parent and therefore the breadwinner. Senior job. The biggest issue is the situation with the DC and you not getting sleep. You and DH need to work a way through the co-sleeping situation so you can sleep. I did co sleep until DD was 4 but she was a good sleeper and it worked for me, but this is not working for you.

Do you have family you can stay with/who can have your son for a night; or can you afford a night away/send your husband and son away?
A dead mother is worse than one who's away for a bit; so take action now.

I really feel for you. You must go to your GP urgently to get support. You must be signed off work to give you some breathing space.
Is there a local support group for your condition that you could join?
Talk to your DH, so he also understands how much you are struggling.

Hi, OP. We're so sorry you're having such an incredibly tough time, and glad you're starting to reach out for support.

When these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources here. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Take care, and we hope things start to feel easier soon.

I disagree that the ds is the urgent problem to fix - even if op's dh steps up at night, the sound of ds screaming for Mummy will just make op even more miserable. Also, children's sleep is something that's really hard to have any control over (ask me how I know...)

It's the job that needs fixing. It is not right or sustainable to work hours into the evening after working all day. I don't care that this is normal for solicitors, it shouldn't be, and going along with it just perpetuates the expectation for other solicitors (I'm not blaming op for doing what she needs to do ofc). There are other options out there, even if you have to take a pay cut, your health matters.

Make finding a new and more comfortable job your main priority, op... once you have something lined up you'll feel less hopeless I think.

Sorry you are having a rough time. Obviously you need to sleep.

I had a similar issue due to back pain, I literally need hours undisturbed laying down to 'reset' the pain.

Could you co-sleep? Ask husband to sleep in spare bed / sofa temporarily so you catch up on sleep?

I had to do this with only 11 months between my two youngest. Had toddler next to me and baby in the nest and we all got 10 hours sleep every night undisturbed. As toddler and baby felt close by to me they slept soundly.

Hope things improve x

If you have the money, I would go and stay in a hotel for 2 or 3 nights (or with family or friends or whatever works, but hotel should be quiet and no pressure!)

You need sleep Sleep deprivation is torture.

Your DS will have no option but to accept his dad - although your DH may have a challenging couple of nights!

If you can get a couple of decent nights kip in, and your DS can learn to settle with your DH as well as you, then things may look a bit rosier.

After that - hopefully you and your DH can make a plan that reduces the pressure/burden on you. I trust he is supportive.

You have only moved house a month ago! This is huge upheaval for all the family, especially a toddler. It will take a long while to settle in fully. I just bedshared with my three until they were ready and wanted their own beds- this is how I survived working as a professional in the day and parenting at night. I bought massive superking beds so plenty of space.
Do you have a nice GP ? I would go and see them for sure about your suicidal ideation. Can you take 2 weeks off to stop and evaluate things and make a plan.

What jobs are you doing between nursery and bedtime? What of that can your DH take over even if it means you get to sit down for an hour or two. Your schedule is really unsustainable and would be without the health issues you’re dealing with. Agree that taking some time off - either annual leave or sick leave (which would be justifiable) - to give you time to reset would help but ultimately something’s got to give.

I really feel for you op. If you can afford it, I would suggest a sleep coach. We worked with an amazing one when my toddler refused to sleep. It wasn’t an instant fix but it helped us manage the situation in a way that was sustainable for our family set up.

And how exactly is any of this going to fix the fact poor OP is sleep deprived from the DC FGS.

Hi OP I am so sorry to hear of your struggles, just the moving/ sleep deprivation/ working parent/ law is enough without the constant pain, something needs to change. Personally I would be taking a week or so off with “flu”, catching up with sleep in the day and making a plan to move to a less stressful law job - yes it may hit financially but you can not carry on like this. Does your work offer talking therapy or other help on private health? Have you heard of the charities LawCare and the Solicitors Charity? Both can be really useful - linked here: https://www.lawsociety.org.uk/topics/wellbeing
I know the feeling when everyone is so used to leaning on you for everything that you think you just have to keep going - but you don’t. You can put yourself first sometimes.
I would also divide up the weekend one day each at the moment. You need to rest more than you all need family time.

Because she can go to bed early if she doesn't have to work after dc's bedtime, like thousands of other parents do up and down the country.

Young toddlers often sleep badly, it's biologically normal and can't be "cured" overnight.

A job with long hours isn't a biological necessity though and that's the thing that's most easily fixable in my opinion

I'm sorry to read how bad your situation is and the feeling of desperation for relief or a way out. It won't always be this bad but that doesn't help when you have reached breaking point. It's unsustainable and you urgently need respite. Try your council's website to see if there are any local volunteering networks or support services for parents or families in your area. Some councils used to run schemes offering family befrienders. Also have you any family resources you can call on for emergency relief - grandparents of child etc?

For the child sleeping problem, would you try a sleep consultant? Someone in my family did that when she was at the end of her tether with sleep deprivation and exhaustion and it worked. You won't know yourself once you get back to normal sleep.

As far as the constant jobs from arrival home till bedtime, can you get someone in to do some of the chores for a couple of hours / one or two days a week? The same family member also did that - like you she has a difficult and demanding job situation.

Once you get some immediate relief you could start thinking about your own work set up and whether you could rearrange workloads or schedules or perhaps even a bigger change such as a switch to a different type of employer or employment.

Your DH needs to do more. If you’re having to log back on after bedtime then he should be doing more so you’re not faced with a load of ‘jobs’ when you get in. On the sleep, sounds like some sleep training is needed.

I had a two year old cling on that I was still breast feeding at this stage and I wanted to night wean because I was similarly getting zero sleep (I’d two older kids as well and the chronic tiredness from a health condition so I really do relate).

I sent the cling on into another bedroom with his father to duke it out to break the awful night times.

It took a few days and they definitely fought it out but he was not alone during it and he was still being very well looked after, albeit not exactly how he would have preferred but I would strongly advise you do the same it was so worth it.

Pop the headphones on, play a podcast and let your DH get him to sleep. Sleep changes everything.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Working full time with a toddler is working 2 full time jobs with no annual leave or sick days and no sleep. Horrific. It will get better. This is a temporary phase. Please speak to your GP and I think you need to have your husband take your child for the whole day on the weekends just for a small amount of time to breathe. You also need to tell him how you are feeling and divvy up the household jobs fairly. Or he takes more on whilst you are struggling. Marriage is give and take.
Also you sound like someone who does an excellent job at work and has high standards, which is great, however it is just work. You need to be able to switch off and delegate some tasks to other colleagues. I hope you feel better soon

I really feel for you.

I have been a single parent since my children were very young and am a solicitor and have had significant health issues (though not chronic pain which sounds awful).

A lot of solicitors do work part time. I know it’s dependent on specialism but I work for a large firm and it’s very commonplace to work 4 days. It doesn’t solve all issues as no one really covers your work but it lowers your target and can help a lot when managed well. In some specialisms you can work as a contractor and choose your hours. Or in house or government. Or move to a risk role or similar. There are usually options - there might be financial trade offs but it sounds like you could end up completely unable to do your job at some point so you do need to consider quite drastic options. It might be hard to do that while so sleep deprived and still working.

Also, it’s not the end of the world to take time off. I’ve had to take loads in the last year and my firm has coped. It can feel like it is a disaster in law and if you’re someone who has barely taken a day off for a decade it’s hard but it’s far better than burning out or getting very seriously ill or making a significant mistake at work because you’re so tired etc.

It gets easier as children get older. I was a wreck when mine were 1 and 3 and pushing myself to do everything with barely any sleep was a big contributor to my health issues. At 4 and 6 it isn’t easy but mostly manageable.