I don't know where I'm going wrong. I'm so unhappy and overwhelmed. DS just turned 2.
I work full time, long hours (so I have to login after bedtime) and I am the breadwinner. We can't afford me to step down or work less. I do drop offs at nursery so my mornings are stressful. DH pick him up from nursery. The second I step in the house until bedtime is just jobs. After bedtime, 3/5 nights I login to do more work. We moved house a month ago and ever since DS refuses to sleep in his crib. He cosleeps with me from about midnight. He wakes me constantly. I haven't had a block of 2 hours of sleep in a month. DH is very involved but DS only wants me at the moment. He is glued to me the second I step foot in the house. I do sometimes deliberately come home half an hour later as I can't bear it. We have tried DH helping at night for a few weeks and DS just screams and screams and screams.
Pregnancy made a genetic condition I have much worse which means I am in constant pain - I'm doing physio and all the right things, but that's to stop things getting worse. I will be in pain forever. Some people with my condition can't handle full time work at all, to put it into context.
I feel like having a child has ruined my life. I need time to sleep and for self care (not just a day here and there, but consistently) and I'm not getting any of it. My health has deteriorated so much (and it's invisible, you can't tell by looking at me so I don't get any sympathy). I have no interests, hobbies or time off.
DH takes him out on a weekend for an hour or two but I need more than that. A lot more than that. I have taken 2 weekends away with friends but that's it.
My job is a problem, the work is never ending (solicitor) and it doesn't lend well to part time work or even taking a day off. I handle a lot of cases myself so if I need time off, it's better to do it in big chunks and hand all of it over to colleagues for 2 weeks at a time. I really need to go part time but it's almost impossible in my field and the loss of income will hit us very hard. DH earns slightly above minimum wage.
I've boxed myself into a life I can't get out of. I want to kill myself every day. I go to sleep planning my suicide. Then I feel guilty because obviously I wouldn't do something so horrible to DS. But where is my escape? I want to just run away right now. That wouldn't work, i'd feel bad for DS. I don't know what to do. I'm now snappy and angry and sad all the time.
I have tried setraline in the past and it was horrific. I don't want to go near antidepressants again.