AIBU to call 2yo overnight while away?

[feelinglikealoser]

I'm going away for a week without my 2yo.. his dad and I are separated and share custody.. I'm going to miss him so so much and would like to call him every evening to say goodnight ..my ex has agreed to every other night but not sure he will agree to every night.. am I being selfish to ask this?

He is two.

He really is not contemplating your thoughts . He is not thinking about this. Even when 12 you do not want him worrying about your feelings. "I miss you so much i think about you all the time " during regular time with other parent can make a child become anxious about you and your state of mind.

He will know he is loved by you. "I can't wait to see you and hear about your adventures with daddy" is a different tone which gives child permission to be happy with other parent And still says i love you and miss you.

Toddlers live in the moment. See mummy on saturday. Ok then off to play.

My DH travels a lot and it was pointless him calling when the DC were toddlers/preschoolers. They weren't chatting away and were confused most of the time as to why daddy was in the phone. It was ok for us because I'll just update DH on our day and the kids can join in if it suits them but if it's your ex it's different. Even now they're in school DH only calls twice a week usually unless the DC ask to speak to him.

He’s too young. The longest I’ve ever left my children is 2 nights but I never started to call until they were school age. When they are younger they don’t have the concept that you are on the phone but not coming to see them and it just upsets and unsettles them and makes it difficult for the person caring for them. However I would record a good morning message for my husband or mum to play for them in the morning when they woke up

It's a long time to be away from a 2 year old and every night sounds disruptive

i can see this is more about you than him. you are worried he will think you dont miss him or have forgotten him - trust me he wont - you are his one and only mummy and you have that honour for the rest of your life. if you call at night before bed he will be very unsettled and will prob pick up the emotion in your voice. what he needs is time with dad and when he comes home he will be so excited to see you. he will have missed you and he will give you a lovely cuddle. im sure dad will send messages of how he is and if you have a good relationship im sure he will send some videos too of his adventures.

When my husband and i went away on honeymoon we left our kids with my parents for 4 days. we did a little hand made book just using paper and string. each day we wrote a message to the kids which they could read over breakfast with grandparents. it was something like this (below). very upbeat, a bit interactive and it went down a treat because it showed we loved them, we thought of them, but we had to be mummy and daddy for a few days while they had grandparent adventures. not too sentimental or emotional as we didnt want to evoke any upset. just something fun they could incorporate early in the day and have fun with.

Day 1 - well i hope you had a lovely sleep at (insert place). is your room nice? was your pillow comfy? which teddy did you bring with you? daddy and i are planning to do XXX today, i wonder what you are doing? why dont you drawa picture below of all the things you have done today using some crayons.

Day 2 - today daddy and i are going to climb a mountain - its very high and i hope i can touch the clouds with my hands, i have a mission for you today - i want you to collect something special from your day and keep it safe for me. i want to hear all about it when i get back. a shell .. a leaf.. oh i do wonder what it might be...

Day 3 - today daddy and i are going swimming in the sea, i hope we see lots of colourful fishes. whats your favourite type of sea creature? why dont you draw it below and when we get back i will tell you if we saw one.

Day 4 - only one more sleep until we come home on the big aeroplane. when you are bigger we can take you on an aeroplane too - where do you think you would like to go? Africa to see giraffes and lions, new york city to see the big sky scrapers or maybe australia to see the kangaroos!?! have a think and tell me tomorrow. more excited to see you than christmas.

My DH works away. Our children didn’t like talking to him on the phone until they were about 4. They couldn’t understand why they could hear him but he wasn’t here. It was too unsettling for them. Maybe more child led rather than to meet your needs.

My daughter is currently away for 3 weeks with her dad I had the first 3 weeks. I've spoken to her on the Friday by phone. She's missing me and I miss her but I know she's ok. You're making it more about you than letting your son lead x

2 year olds don't understand the concept of phone calls...when he hears your voice, he'll want to know where you are.
Do you usually call him when he stays at his Dads?

Thankyou @CheeseSandwichU that is a very kind message and such a lovely idea ❤️ what a lovely thing for them to read each morning and know you are thinking about them!

Thanmuoi everyone I think I'm just really struggling with being away from him for so long - I don't know.. I just feel such horrible guilt about it .. I'll never go away without him again.. it's very helpful to read everyone's comments on here and understand it's better not to call him and that he'll be ok 🙏

Do you let dad call him every night when he’s with you? 🤔

It needs to be child led. Sometimes video calls can make them really upset and no contact is better.

I regularly take my grandson away, for up to 10 nights at a time. He used to come for sleepovers from a young age. He always has a great time, but we learned when he was little that video calls are triggering for him. As soon as a video call started he would start crying, and say he wants to go home and misses his mum. He would take ages to settle.

He is older now, and still avoids video calls back home when we are away, and will say he doesn't do video calls because they are too emotionally intense and triggering (yes he does actually speak like that at 8 years old!). He also asks to go on holiday with me a lot and is part of the of the planning process regarding where we travel and how long we travel, so this is by no means forced on him. He requests 2 week trips to Asia 🤣 we will work our way up to that one 🤣

Instead of video calls he keeps connected with home using messenger and sends written messages and videos of what he is doing. He enjoys written messages in real time and is able to articulate that it feels less intense and so he can regulate better. I give him the phone and he often chats to parents when I am driving.

I know it's not the same thing as your two year old, but I think helps to illustrate how these things can be more distressing even though as adults, we think it can be helpful. Also if a child is highly distressed in video calls it doesn't mean they aren't coping.

"I'll never go away without him again."
Dont be daft
You already share custody
He is with his dad. He is fine!
Work with a counsellor on your guilt so dc does not grow up picking up on your anxiety. He has two parents who love and care for him

You’ll never go away without him again… what happens when Dad wants to take him away for a week???

It’s tough but you will get used to it.