To be fed up with DD19’s lack of job hunting

[Labloverr]

DD decided against Uni despite DH and I having concerns. She assured us she would work hard to find a full time job and that she was ‘desperate’ to move out and establish some independence. This was music to our ears as we’d get our house back after 19 years and she would start the next chapter of her life.

The reality has been very different. After a few months of trying to find work, she’s more or less given up and just moans about how hard it is. There’s no sign of her moving out any time soon and I’m beginning to resent this slightly. She has friends who are thriving at Uni and living away, but she’s stuck under our noses here.

Can anyone give me some encouragement that things do get better eventually?!

Show her your post - the way you talk about her is horrible and she’ll probably be more motivated to leave. Your comment about getting your house back after 19 years sounds like you’ve resented her existence for her entire life.

Ofcourse it does not sound like that! Chill out..
it Will get better - eventually 💐

I can’t imagine ever feeling like this about my own child, this post made me so sad for your daughter.

‘We’d get our house back’

‘Stuck under our noses’

Why did you decide to have a child OP, because it was the done thing?

What is she doing all day then?!

Have you helped her with her CV, applications, getting a spreadsheet together etc? I would be expecting her to apply for part time jobs, really anything to get experience. They’re always looking for carers.

I dont really understand how she would have money to do things? Or is she just sitting at home moping about? If so she is at risk of very bad mental health.

I can understand the job thing would be annoying, but I think it’s sad you are so desperate for your DD to move out. My teens are genuinely welcome to stay as long as they need/ want to, I would be moaning at them to get a job though.

My youngest has just finished uni, last of 4, all worked alongside uni and over summers etc. DS2 came back home end of July, last day of his part time work today, been there 6 years, starts his grad job 7th September.
The p/t job has helped in so many ways, given him confidence, let him mix with very different ppl, made him realise that if he didn't work hard that could be the kind of job he had to do all day every day.
Any job, is better than no job, he has washed pots, fried chips, moped floors, handled money. Every interview he has has as a graduate, the interview panel has seen the p/t jobs as a massive plus.
Getting a decent well paid job is difficult but even a p/t minimum wage job is a start.
Your DD needs to look on line to see if there is a service near you that helps with CVs, preparing applications etc. Hopefully that might make a difference.

Help focus her mind on job finding by not providing anything but meals at home.

She does all her own washing ironing and contributes to cleaning around the house.

You give her no money. She is an adult not a dependant any more. If she wants to go out wuth friends or pay for a phone then she needs to earn money to do so.

food and somewhere safe to live is provided - anything else - clothes, travel, phone, treats she needs to self fund.

a bit if tough love will go a long way. Point her in the direction of the job centre and hope for the best.

So, help her find a job, target suitable employers or start her own business. Dog walking, dog sitting, working in Tesco/ social care, getting some voluntary experience if she has no previous work experience etc.

Where do you live and what is her previous eork history? This matters hugely. If it’s a city and she has some experience it isn’t a case of their being no jobs. She is probably applying for the wrong ones or not thinking laterally enough, or is not motivated enough.

If she has never worked or volunteered that in itself is a major issue unfortunately. No-one really wants to employ kids who have got to 19 without demonstrating reliability in some context :(

Op what you have is made life easy, given food, money, washed her clothes and why would your daughter want to get a job?

Time to set some rules. Not working. She's responsible for cleaning the house, doing the washing etc in essence contributing like an adult

I don’t think you are unreasonable BTW, but with no plans on the horizon, I think the most effective tool is probably withdrawing financial support bar food. Necessity is the mother of invention and all that …

The p/t job has helped in so many ways, given him confidence, let him mix with very different ppl, made him realise that if he didn't work hard that could be the kind of job he had to do all day every day. Different people in what way? People who do the jobs you've described washed pots, fried chips, moped floors, handled money do work hard. Just because someone has privilege doesn't make them better than anyone else.

I think she has bigger problems with you as her mother

Things aren’t going to get better unless you help her find a job. Depending on where you live, there may not be any jobs. If there are, they will be thin on the ground. Also, why was the choice university or job? Why not a technical college or some other qualification? A chartered surveyor, health & safety inspector, police academy, military, fire fighting, paramedic, plumbing, electrician, etc are all examples.

If she can't get a FT job can she get an apprentice or a further qualification that will help? Or a PT job? How is she funding herself?

And often work harder! ‘Very different people’ will mean a bit rough I suppose. Thank goodness her son listened to her 🙄

I cannot imagine talking about my DC like that! 😲

Could she be depressed and regretting her decision re uni?

That aside, what does she do during the day? Is her life too easy? If not working she could be volunteering or doing college/ou courses to improve her skills and prospects. If she is not working what is she doing for money? Is she helping with household chores?

Is this your stepdaughter? I can't believe a mum can write this.

That customer service and cleaning staff are in their jobs because they’re lazy and don’t work hard is such a disrespectful message to send to your son.

Do you actually love your daughter? What do you mean you will get back your house after 19 years? Gosh, that's awful. It's her house too. And of those 19 years, she was a minor for 18. Your attitude sucks.
It's common for young adults to dream of an independent life but often they find it difficult to persevere and take the steps needed for it. Rather than moving out, you and your husband should be encouraging your daughter to set small, manageable goals. She needs guidance and support, rather than a go fend for yourself lesson. Speak together as a family- what are her interests? Does she have any goals? Make her realise she is a valued member of the house and how she can contribute with chores. Help her, don't be so disparaging of her.

Flipping heck OP, that’s a bit harsh! She’s 19, still technically a teen.

Help her, sit down together and go over her CV, look at prospective employers, college courses etc. Does she have her maths and English GCSE? Are there any university courses closer to home, which DD would like to do? Volunteer opportunities? What does she enjoy doing?

If she genuinely isn’t applying herself, lay the cards on the table. Make a list of
of chores she needs to do around the house?

Apprenticeships are more competitive than university tbh.

There’s two sides here. Jobs are very hard to come by and it’s crushing to experience so much failure and rejection. But at 19 she is responsible for her own life.

She needs a range of options and a deadline.

If no job by X date, then I will do Y. That could be signing up for more qualifications (doesn’t have to be university, could be online or college), travelling abroad for work, or indeed going to uni.

I hear your frustration but assume it’s just because you are worried about her. Don’t compare her to her friends, I have no doubt she’s already doing that.

And obviously set deadlines as and when. She will get there in the end.

I'm in a similar position op. My son is 18 and starting his second and final year of college. The advice you've been given sounds simple- find them jobs to apply for, help them apply for jobs, do chores, don't give them pocket money.

Well it's not working here. If you've got to age 18/19 with no job you probably don't have a good social life so don't care about no money. And aren't motivated enough to improve your living conditions by having a tidy house, clean clothes etc.

I've no advice for you op but I will follow for tips. May be relevant that my son was a very high achiever in primary school, fell apart at secondary, was tested and has massively high IQ but wasn't achieving so school organised a 1:1 and he's suspected ADHD (maybe we will never know as presumably he's off the paeds list for turning 18, but I don't think there's an adult service where we live.)

Damn, that’s your child!
Let me give you a reality check about uni life. Choosing not to go, is an absolutely fine decision to make, if she ever is really interested in a subject, she can go, maybe it would be better for her to go as a mature student, where your finances aren’t taking into consideration.

There seems to be some hostility in your post towards your DD. Unsure if you meant for it to come across like that, but it shows.

‘Friends thriving at uni’, yes some will be, but it’s a small minority. Uni can also be a very lonely place, especially as a fresher, and students suffer poor mental health, its a place of uncertainty, new challenges with the course, being away from home, finding their place again. Yes there’s some growing up, going out clubbing and drinking, budgeting etc but most of these students will be moving back home after university especially if they cant get a job in their field which sadly is common.

Just because shes 19 doesn’t mean she isn’t your child. Why not help her as you probably would have when she was <18 years old.
Also, would she even make enough from her job to move out? The world has changed, the job market is difficult right now, life is expensive. 30 something year olds are moving back into the family home to save.

Maybe you could do with a holiday to chill out.

This comes across as really smug. I’d be surprised if every interview mentioned the part time jobs- it’s not exactly rare that people work (especially as a lot of those applying for the jobs will be those ‘different’ people, who have also managed to get degrees too).

It really reads that your son lowered himself to work lowly jobs everyone should applaud this.