Do you leave your teens alone in the holidays?

[blueysmum88]

Ds is 14. I have younger dc too. During the holidays I find it really hard to meet everyone’s needs. I have managed to book one day off work to spend exclusively with ds14 - had a nice lunch and went to the cinema. We’ve also been on a family holiday. The rest of the time he is left to his own devices which usually includes looking at a screen (phone or ps) or kicking a football around the garden. Sometimes he sees friends but doesn’t seem very proactive in making arrangements.

He absolutely doesn’t want to come on kiddies days out to farms and soft play with me and the little ones and I’m obviously not going to force him. But I feel really bad that he is on his own so much over the holidays. On one afternoon the little ones had their paints out at the table and he came and joined them and did some painting of his own but this was a one off. Having an age gap makes it very hard and I feel like I’m neglecting him.

How much do you see of your teens during the holidays? Do you insist they join in with things or leave them to it?

I’m a single mum so yep I’ve had no choice. Once he got to the age where he point blank refused to go to my mums then I had to (about 12-13). However I’ve never worked more than 10 mins away, he has a mobile and he’s got 2 nans and my 2 best friends round the corner (we’re in a village)
The mums are all in a group chat too so someone always knows where they are if out and about (usually me tbf as he’s really good at keeping phone charged and location on)
Some days he’s out, some days he’s home. Today they’ve (about 9 of them) caught 2 trains and have gone to the Peak District for the day, I’ll pick them up in about an hour from our local station. He’ll be 16 soon btw and the eldest of his friend group

Mine are both very different. When my oldest was 14 (she’s 17 now) she came out on day trips with me and my youngest who would have been 11 then. My oldest is autistic though and made no attempt to see school friends in the holidays. School and home were separate. She needed routine and structure so when they were younger we did a lot of structured days in and days out. Our national trust and English heritage cards were well used and we walked miles geocaching. Now youngest is about to turn 14 and she is no longer interested in museums and will come out shopping with me and coffee but not much else. She does see her friends but hasn’t seem much of them during the holidays as they are all doing stuff with their own families. But she has done a lot of lounging about in her room. Eldest has a friend she has seen in and off more recently so is getting out more. I’m home all holidays as I work term time only. But this year has been the one where I’ve been less involved other than our family week away.

My eldest is now 18 so working himself, but he was left alone since he was 12 or 13 as its hard to find childcare once they are that age. My youngest goes to holiday clubs for most the summer. Next summer he will be left alone as he'll be 12.
My eldest very rarely came on days out with us (got less and less as the years went on

It’s a tough age. We would normally take some time off as a family to go on holiday, then DH and I would both take a bit of time off work with our teen at different times. Sometimes we’d do something they’d - go to cinema, have lunch out somewhere or something. But a lot of it would just be being around and hoping to get some chat.

Think the first time I was alone for a good part of the day - I was 12. My parents attended a funeral of a family friend. Another time, my DF's flight home was delayed (for work) and DM wanted to go to a milestone birthday meal for a friend. Both these were during school holidays. I kept myself entertained. Lunch was cobs or something (beans/cheese) on toast

Can he have friends over? Or meet up in town? That was my favourite thing at that age. It does sound a bit crap being on his own so much but in your situation and if no friends are around there’s nothing you can do

I have 5DC and leave 2 teenagers in bed most mornings while I take the younger 3 out. They're happy to be left in a quiet house alone and have no interest in joining in. I do feel better knowing they're at home together and they're sensible kids, DS14 and DD13.

Same age teen - rule in our house, you must make plans to have friends over. I push this and found with all the kids that unlike our generation, they have really lost the skill of making plans to see friends. It is non negotiable, they have to make plans to have mates over or they have restrictions on screen time - they make plans and always have a great time. I never care how many kids come over but it really bothers me if they are spending most of the week alone, lovely to come in to hear them all hanging out together. We also got another teen volunteering - she started off hating it, now looks for more shifts.

I just think teens are wired for connection with each other but phones/screens really interfere with it. It is such a key development stage so in our house, we prioritise physically seeing people over hours on screens..

I have DDs 12 and 14. They both enjoy days out with me, but dd12 spends a lot of time with her friends if she can - they go to the park and each others' houses. And the local shop to buy sweets! DD14 has autism and not many friends, plus struggles to entertain herself, so I have probably spent more time with her. She would happily see family every day, which is a bit sad as it reflects her lack of social life (not her choice). I think it's normal to want to do their own thing at this age.

Activities they both like:

Shopping
Swimming
Gym
Cinema
Library
Short walk ending in going out for milkshake / bubble tea etc!
Local events like festivals, markets

They are both fine to be left at home for the day.

I think it's understandable you feel pulled in different directions when you have holidays and an age gap, however, as long as you are giving the 14yo chance to spend time together, it sounds fine.

Mine are now at the age where they sleep late in the morning and are bobbing around all evening, so could you do something with your son then? I guess you can't go out if you're on your own with young dc, but could you plan to watch a film together at home, get a takeaway just the two of you? My kids love that!

Both. I work part time while they go to a childminder and then have the other half of the week with them.

He does have friends and he’s welcome to have them over. He knows this. There have been a few times where he’s met up with friends at the park and they’ve been back here while I’ve been working or he’s been to their houses but it’s not regular. As a pp said it seems like some young people have lost the art of socialising or making plans to see each other in the flesh, they’d rather chat on their phones. He games with friends too which isn’t ideal but at least it’s semi social. I just feel bad about him being on his own so much. He does sit with us on an evening once the little dc are in bed and we watch a series and eat dinner together. I can’t do much more. He’s always given the option to come out with us but understandably doesn’t want to. I get it I just feel bad.

if he’s happy doing his own thing then I say leave him to it. I was happy to be left alone at that age. I also had my first job too, waitressing at a local pub, which I enjoyed and loved earning some of my own money. I’d that something you’ve discussed with him?

Of course. There’s no way my teens want to be dragged along to the library, even some local museums/events, soft play etc so yes, the frequently stay behind.

I do think it must be really hard for teens in age gap families. Mine are 16 and 13 and still seem to enjoy family outings (age appropriate, we did things like quad biking), we did something every day of the week I had off with them I was exhausted by the end ha.

But I think so long as you’re prioritising some time with them and their interests they will always be happy for some downtime.