To think we have failed our children/daughter as she now doesn’t want any other job just one in my office or working with DH.

[ForJadeEagle]

Our daughter doesn’t want to go to her firm choice anymore. Instead, she wants to take a gap year and reapply to university, but she doesn’t want to get a job unless it’s at my workplace.

Our daughter did incredibly well in her Alevels 4 A stars. She worked incredibly hard for those grades and had been set to go to Durham to study Law. Cambridge was always her ultimate university, but she never applied due to the applications having to be in so early for Oxford and Cambridge compared to the other unis. Now that she has achieved these grades, she wants to take a gap year and apply.

I’ve told her that she cannot simply spend the year working for me. I want her to get some proper, real-world work experience. Almost all of her work experience so far has been with family members or friends of my husband. She’s never had a customer service job or anything similar.

I’m a solicitor and run my own business. My office is in the town centre of our town. It’s not a huge law firm or a Magic Circle firm I have fewer than 20 solicitors working for me. I have allowed her to “work for me” for a while now, and she genuinely enjoys it. In some ways, she’s practically a paralegal. She has been working alongside and shadowing the paralegals for around two years and does a lot of the filing and general office work.

But I would really like her to have a normal job for an 18 year old. Go and work in a supermarket, a café, retail anything like that. Even if she only did it for six months, I think she needs to experience what that kind of work is actually like.

I think we’ve given her far too much privilege, and now we’re seeing the consequences of that. She says that if I won’t let her work in my office for the year, then her dad will let her work with him. He’s an art dealer and runs auctions in London. It’s not Christie’s or Sothebys nothing like that it’s his own business.

The truth is, I feel like we’ve raised a brat, and I’m incredibly disappointed in myself.
She has never really had to work for anything. I pay her for the work she does at my office, and I even pay her above minimum wage for her age. When it came to her car, I told her she needed to save up for one herself. Instead, she went behind our backs and spoke to my husband’s parents, who then “gifted” her a relatively new Mini under ten years old for her 18th birthday.
I’m just so frustrated. Every time we’ve tried to put a boundary in place, she seems to find a way around it. My parents and my husband’s parents are all in their 80s. They don’t always know what goes on, and they would do absolutely anything for her. I’ve tried talking to my parents about it, but they just say, “She’s young.” My parents have more money than sense at this point. They’re retired and financially comfortable, so they feel they have nothing to lose by giving her things.

And it isn’t just our daughter. Our eldest son is at Edinburgh and is going into his final year. He’s doing very well academically and has had plenty of jobs, but they’ve all been “nice” jobs. I worry that we’ve sheltered both of them too much. I don’t want my children to suffer, but I do think there is value in being 18 or 21 and having to do a job that isn’t particularly glamorous.

Our son is 21 and has mostly worked in places like art galleries. He’s currently doing his internship in London at JPMorgan and his plan is to work there after graduation next summer. If that happens, he may never actually have had what I would consider a “normal” job for someone his age.

I never wanted my children to struggle unnecessarily. I wanted to give them opportunities and make sure they were comfortable. But now I’m wondering whether, in trying so hard to protect them from hardship, we’ve also protected them from learning what hard work, independence and consequences actually feel like.

Have we genuinely failed as parents. DH is much more blasé about it. Doesn’t think they need to work in a supermarket or just a customer service role to know what it is like to work for things.

Could she do 4 days a week paralegalling for you with one day volunteering at Citizens Advice or a law centre? That would bring her into contact with a wide range of people and be more relevant than other customer facing roles.

You want her to take a minimum wage job from someone who needs it so she can hang out with some poor people for a bit? So she'll realise how lucky she is to not be them before she sods off to Cambridge?

Is the gap year building wells in Africa too old fashioned now?

Geez cut the girl some slack
Shes done well at a levels and works, might not be ideal taking a gap year in the hopes of getting in somewhere more prestigious but I dont see how working in a supermarket rather than continuing in the law field will help her future.

My cousin is spoilt. Parents had no expectations at home for him, did poorly in school, dropped out of college and hasnt kept a job for over a couple weeks without doing something that gets him fired. Your daughter has clearly applied herself

It sounds like your more bothered that grandparents gave her what you said no to.
Did you tell them that you wanted her to earn for her own car before they bought it?

"She has never really had to work for anything"

Except excellent grades and getting accepted to a very good university.
There is nothing wrong with her, or your son's work experience. Luckily, they've had opportunities in their intended fields.

A gap year is an excellent idea, though.
Volunteering is also a good idea.
There are a lot of options and orgs.

www.volunteerhq.org/ca/gap-year-volunteer-programs/

I think the issue is that you have realised how incredibly privileged your children are and you feel uncomfortable about it. However, I don’t think trying to force her into a minimum wage supermarket job so she can realise how lucky she is by spending time with poor people is the way forward. I say this as someone from a council estate who had a part time retail job throughout uni.

I would let her work at your law firm, but on the agreement that she also volunteers somewhere one day a week. That would open her eyes to how privileged she is and would actually help support her application.

Agree. Add to that these people can be a nightmare to work with as they don't care about this job, feel it is beneath them as they are on the way to bigger & better things, an don't need those jobs, so very rarely would do the job to the same level as their coworkers.

Resulting in annoyed coworkers having to work extra hard than if they had someone who cared working with them, plus spoilt rich kid thinking the job is easy and thinking they are something special for living amongst the poorer for a little amount of time, so original point of OP not made anyway.

I once worked in a bar alongside a rich girl. She actually did need the job as no money of her own, but daddy use to regularly visit and take her out on expensive shopping trips at the end of a morning shift then she would return to show what she had. I liked her and we become friends during drinks after work, so she annoyed me less than she did others. But couldn't deny she put in barely any effort as had bank of mum and dad for back up, felt she was too good for many tasks, done as little as possible each shift spending most the time in front of mirrors, we joked she is like a budgie and if we couldn't find her (which was a lot of the time) to look by the mirrors around the pub 😂
She was there for around 1 year and I guarantee she didn't learn 1 thing about hard work or how the other half lived in that time

I sort of understand where you're coming from OP, and I understand your worry.

Not taking away the fact that she must have worked extremely hard to achieve 4 x A Stars and she deserves a gap year, your DD has obviously had an 'easy' life so far. Easy in as much as she has never worried about money nor witnessed her parents worry about money. Material things that she has wanted have 'appeared' and she hasn't done much to earn them. You want her to be robust, resilient, grateful and understand the value of money. I get that.

But where i think you have confused yourself is that that doesn't have to come from working in a supermarket or a customer service role, it has to come from working TOWARDS a goal. Going in at entry level and putting the graft in to work your way up. If her chosen profession is law, and your DS is Art, they should be doing the grunt work in their chosen fields if they are lucky enough to have an 'in'. I agree that volunteering a day a week would be an excellent companion to this. I wouldn't take away opportunities for relevant work experience. There are other ways to teach the value of money: pay for their own phones (or contribute), ditto gym memberships etc.

Sit down with grandparents and explain that whilst you are happy and grateful for a lovely birthday/xmas present, you are working on life skills and motivation, and are trying to teach the DC to save for things they want. On that basis, please could they support this and speak to you about expensive presents first.

Yeah, this. Listen to Common People and think about whether she will really gain the perspective you want.

This is a really weird post with loads and loads of personal and outing information. And also comes across weirdly braggy. yABU.

In the supermarket where I work they give the 18 year old girls roles on the checkout. Instead of serving customers they walk around the shop all day doing nothing while is oldies do all the work. Appalling management but that’s just how it is. If she gets a supermarket job it may just be like the one where I work.

Yes you are right. They do sound very spoilt and probably highly likely don’t and won’t ever know their privilege. Working for you or your husband during the gap year is basically sponging off mum and dad isn’t it. It’s not standing on your own two feet and having to find opportunities for work yourself. My children will be getting a job in a cafe, or a supermarket, or a shop the minute they are old enough to work. I have done a myriad of those jobs (factory night shifts, burger drive through, shops, carer, bars, supermarkets). I’m now a senior professional and often have to share space with the wealthiest people in the country. I’m from a deprived background originally. I can slot into most sections of society as a result and it keeps you humble for life. If you only want your children to know rich and elite people and their lives it’s not a problem I guess.

You’re going on like working in a supermarket is the equivalent of being sent down the pit or something.

This made me laugh 😂

It sounds like she is working hard with the opportunities she has been given. I mean when she works in your office, does she work diligently and do a decent job? Surely that is the main thing. She can't pretend to be something she isn't or that she hasn't been born with privilege. At least your children have worked hard at school - they haven't coasted. You should feel very lucky they are in such positions where they have the world at their feet and not face the hardships some children do. I don't think a supermarket job is necessary but as others have said - experience with the general public that helps her application. I worked in a cafcass office when I was her age and that was probably more enlightening to real world problems than working at Tesco.

It's with the greatest respect for your own position I have to add your daughter sounds like a hardworking young girl who enjoys stretching her mind. She is practically a paralegal & you would prefer it if she took a 'normal job'

I'm sure the students who work in bars & cafes wouldn't care to take on the responsibility of working in a law office & all it entails & they are quite happy to pull pints & serve coffee. I don't see how suggesting she stacks shelves would give her the life experience you desire for her. She has already proved her work ethic by studying hard to pass her exams & taking on the often stressful position of working in a law office.

If she is going to uni to study law, surely the best work experience is working in this area? So working in your practice is ideal.

working in sainsburys for a year won’t add as much to her CV. Yet the work experience from working in a solicitors even as a paralegal would make that CV stand out more when it comes to getting a grad job

How did you get office work, just in the holidays? Don't they want you to work there permanently if it's office work? My DD is 16 and really wants a job but can't even find a supermarket job as they're not hiring anywhere locally:( :(
She's do frustrated this summer (

I don’t think you have failed as a parent. She sounds hard working and academically driven.
I hire a lot (admittedly not in retail), and if a CV came in from someone working in a related field to their studies, then suddenly switching into supermarkets, that would raise some questions to be honest. It just doesn’t feel very logical without clarification. It might give rise to concerns about her commitment.
Sorry if that sounds harsh as it’s clear your situation is more nuanced. That won’t be apparent from her CV.

Ah the classic rich people coming in as white knights to save us all through charity work. I really hate this. It’s well known that the charity sector is disproportionately full of wealthy people because they can afford not to work.

I think you need to separate your daughter being a brat and your son working hard. What a warped view.

PP seems to be referring to some time ago when it was possible to temp, especially for holiday cover. There were lots of entry level jobs for young people like filing, office junior, data entry, envelope stuffing(really!) etc., most of which don’t exist now. Lots of civil service and local council offices had post rooms, typing pools and reprographics staff(photocopying), which the unions didn’t want the more senior staff doing.

I can relate to how you feel. I thought my child was bring a real brat on holiday and i was furious for some reason. However, I then took a massive step back and realised I was actually reacting based on my own childhood (no money, tent holidays in uk). I realised I was getting upset about my perception that my child didn't realise how lucky they are. So it was a 'me' problem.

Could it be the same for you? Did you work really hard and struggle for what you have? Perhaps that's the issue.

They do sound a bit entitled, BUT having the maturity not to rush to uni and have a year yo work, and the fact that they do actuslly want to work (albeit with mum or dad, and assuming you can afford her as staff), it doesn't sound too bad at all. Many teens are so lazy, at least yours wants to make money.

Also, personally I don't think an entitled girl/yoing woman is the worst thing - in a world built for men, it's not bad for her to have such a persona. Better that than a wallflower.

I think you sound very sensible OP. I know a family with several children, where money is no object and the family go overseas at least once a year. All the children are expected to find an after school/holiday job as soon as they reach a certain age. I also used to work in shop and every school and uni holidays we had students working there, once again often from wealthy families who obviously expected their kids to work and not just sit back and expect everything to be handed to them. Many of the professionals I know worked basic jobs when young, it's good grounding for young people.

However I'm not in the UK and we have a different culture here and lack your class structure (thank goodness).

Didn’t read the whole thing as too long. You seem a bit dramatic by saying you failed her; I don’t see the issue.

DD1 took a gap year, worked with DH a couple of days per week, got some other part time jobs, did a bit of travelling with us, a bit alone, rested and saved money for her maintenance first year at uni. Applied with grades in hand, got accommodation, university and course she wanted. It worked well for everyone and she is looking forward to starting this year.

Wtf have I just read?! This is giving "boohoo, my diamond shoes are too tight".

Honestly - YOU sound spoilt, not your kids.

Try being proud of them and their outstanding achievements instead moaning that they haven't endured enough hardship along the way for you to enjoy them. As the parent of a wonderful child who struggles with so much and is unlikely to ever go to university or even live independently, all I wish is for my children is to have happy, content lives with as little challenge or adversity as possible.

Literally cannot wrap my head around your mindset. Your daughter has worked, she has achieved fantastic grades, she has a plan for the future. Like, what would it take for her to earn your pride and respect?