Aibu to be really frustrated that I put myself out all the time but when I need help I have nobody

[Mumof4girlshectic]

For context I've found myself constantly sacrificing my time to help people, to a point where I literally get no time to do things I need to do in my own home or even with my own kids, I'm constantly called upon and I don't mind helping but I feel like now people are actually taking the p*ss... I never ask anyone for help with things but just recently I thought I'd try, since I help everyone else and I'm extremely stressed. First friend I'm always always "borrowing" money to, but I never actually see it back. He's going through a lot so I've been helping him a lot (for context not in a relationship or anything with him he's a gay best friend) he always asks and I always help when I can. I had an unexpected bill came out and asked to borrow money for the first time, vs his like 200th time... He couldn't help. Fair enough. Another friend I literally babysit constantly, help her do things all the time, help with her kids, she's also going through stuff but my fella is getting frustrated that I'm helping her with her children and home all the time and I'm not at home with mine and he's 100 percent right, well she has a car and i don't, I asked her today if she could help me collect something I needed. She couldn't. It's just made me realise like.... Am I being used? Is it normal for me to feel gutted and sad that I help everyone else and when I genuinely need it have nobody I can turn to? Or am I being silly to be upset. I jsut found myself scrolling through my contacts trying to find someone who might help me for 10 mins to collect an item of furniture in a car and I have nobody. Literally nobody I can ask. I also have nobody I can trust with my own children apart from fella who me I live with, we don't get breaks, we don't get help off anyone, we do everything together ourselves and I see people leaning on others like grandparents/friends etc and I'm just sad for us. Sorry felt the need to rant.

If it’s your first time asking honestly it might just be unlucky

Listen to the Mel Robbins podcast on people pleasing - it’s helped me understand why I do exactly what you do .. I am pulling back and focussing more on my family and aiming to prioritise self-care .. early days but I’m beginning to see the light 💡 xx

Its my observation in life that some people are just givers. They are usually competent and caring. When these people also have a habit of befriending people who are quite needy the relationships are very one sided. I see a few friends like this and I feel for them because they do get taken advantage of. Do you also find that when you chat to your friends the conversation revolves aroound them and their issues? You need to change who you are drawn to - choose others who also give.

Stop being such a martyr!

So sorry to hear that people are treating you so badly when you are constantly helping them. With regard to lending money I would suggest that you make it a once only offer never to be repeated if it's not paid back within a specified time. For example. Just say "yes I will lend you a fiver. But will need it back by Friday " For child minding, I wouldn't do it if it wasn't reciprocated. You may call these people "friends" but they really aren't if they don't value and appreciate you. Just withdraw your goodwill and spend your own valuable time, money and energy looking after yourself and family.

It's nice to help people-but if they're CFs who give nothing back, stop bothering for them.
Like in the babysitting one, if I've done lots to help a friend with their kids, and they never offer anything back, I just stop offering (obvious exceptions if there's a genuine reason they can't-I'm not just being nice to get stuff back, but a friendship shouldn't be one-sided or being used).
I've actually needed a lot of help myself from friends recently, but I've offered them all petrol money/promised to take them out/clean their house/babysit if and when I possibly can. That's only fair.

You're setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm (my favourite MN-ism). A classic of the genre, in fact.

I have a friend a bit like you who I had to have a little word with about this very kind of thing. You don't have to become a stone-cold heartless bitch overnight but for goodness' sake start being a bit selfish and saying no to people. If it costs you some friends... then they weren't really friends.

Agree with everyone's advice.

I really can't believe you were asking to 'borrow' from your 'gay best friend' as if it was some sort of favour though! If you have lent him money on many occasions, surely you were just asking that he pay you back what he owes??

I'd ask him for some regular affordable repayments going forward, as this is clearly money that you can't afford to lose, and if he is reluctant that tells you all you need to know about the kind of friend he is.

Yes you are being used by these people they are not your friends

As others have said start saying no and mean it. I used to be like this but just decided to stop and things are much more peaceful now

Match their energy!

They aren't friends, they're leeches. Did you get back the money you "lent"? Your husband is right. There's a difference between being a supportive friend and a pushover.

There are givers and takers. As the former also learned the hard way the more you do, the more you’re expected to do, and the less you’re appreciated. Entitlement is never acceptable and doesn’t make them bad people but as you’ve said some people take the P which is hurtful and so your job is to knock it on the head and not feel guilty (givers always do) for saying no. As you’ve highlighted it’s not like they return whatever favour they’re asking for anyway. Reflects on them not you OP. Enjoy the extra time, money and energy you’ll have in future.

The money one - if he’s always borrowing money from you then it’s likely he doesn’t have money to lend back. People who are bad with money are like that.

The car one - did she give a reason or say she could help a different day or time? If she just meant she can’t help that specific time, it happens. If she’s refusing to help at all then she’s using you.

As for breaks from your children. Most people don’t get that. That’s part of being a parent.

If someone is always asking to borrow money, what makes you think they have money spare to lend you?

The car issue, how far away is it etc?

Also, are you one of those people who like to help because they want to be needed/appreciated? That is less about them and more about you.

To be honest, I don't think you can judge them on the one ask. If Friend 1 is always asking to borrow money I would doubt he's got any to lend.
Friend 2 may have just been busy when you asked for favour and might be free the next time. You can't judge on one letdown each - not just yet anyway. Try again another day - and then judge and make your mind up.