Aibu to be really frustrated that I put myself out all the time but when I need help I have nobody

[Mumof4girlshectic]

For context I've found myself constantly sacrificing my time to help people, to a point where I literally get no time to do things I need to do in my own home or even with my own kids, I'm constantly called upon and I don't mind helping but I feel like now people are actually taking the p*ss... I never ask anyone for help with things but just recently I thought I'd try, since I help everyone else and I'm extremely stressed. First friend I'm always always "borrowing" money to, but I never actually see it back. He's going through a lot so I've been helping him a lot (for context not in a relationship or anything with him he's a gay best friend) he always asks and I always help when I can. I had an unexpected bill came out and asked to borrow money for the first time, vs his like 200th time... He couldn't help. Fair enough. Another friend I literally babysit constantly, help her do things all the time, help with her kids, she's also going through stuff but my fella is getting frustrated that I'm helping her with her children and home all the time and I'm not at home with mine and he's 100 percent right, well she has a car and i don't, I asked her today if she could help me collect something I needed. She couldn't. It's just made me realise like.... Am I being used? Is it normal for me to feel gutted and sad that I help everyone else and when I genuinely need it have nobody I can turn to? Or am I being silly to be upset. I jsut found myself scrolling through my contacts trying to find someone who might help me for 10 mins to collect an item of furniture in a car and I have nobody. Literally nobody I can ask. I also have nobody I can trust with my own children apart from fella who me I live with, we don't get breaks, we don't get help off anyone, we do everything together ourselves and I see people leaning on others like grandparents/friends etc and I'm just sad for us. Sorry felt the need to rant.

Stop helping these people. When they ask next "no I can't watch your kids, I have enough on my plate with my own children." "No going forward I can't lend you anymore money please don't ask me again." Or just say no. No is a complete sentence and you don't have to explain.

Yanbu. I hope this is a wake up call to stop doing stuff for people that won't do the same for you.

There are people out there who will voluntarily make a point about returning a favour as they feel guilty if they don't. You seem to have befriended the other sort of people who feel more entitled to your support the more you do for them.

What was the reason that your friend couldn't give you a lift to collect something (I understand that a friend that's awful with money might not actually have any to lend you)

I didn’t read the whole OP but you sound like me a year ago, constantly people pleasing and getting hurt that when I needed someone - they wasn’t there.

I got therapy for it but now I focus on my own life and stop helping everyone else that takes advantage. You’ll eventually find your people and gain respect for yourself

Being a martyr never ends well. Just make the active decision to do things that help you first, and if you can help other people after that, do it.

Stop helping people. They don't respect you for it.

Why do you feel the need to put other people before your own family/children?

I chose YABU - Because youre the one keeps saying yes.

Say No.

Choose You.
Choose Yourself.
Stop choosing to give your time, effort, energy, resource to other people.

When someone asks, stop yourself, and think - do i give this person that "time, effort, money, resource" or does @Mumof4girlshectic need it more?

If the answer is them, give, if the answer is you - don't.

Google Fawning and People pleasing, it may help you identify the actions.

and be prepared when you say no that these people turn nasty, or they start pleading, because the person who was benefitting from the boundary you put in place to protect your peace is the one who will fight against it the most.

Dont Justify why you cant do it.
Dont explain why you cant do it

You said no, dont change that answer; youll just teach them you need to be harassed.

Stop saying yes all the time. Why are you doing it all?

Btw, you lend to and borrow from.

If you have 4 girls, you are likely short of energy. spend it on yourself.

Yes you're being used. Everyone is going through stuff and when your stuff needed help neither of these chancers would put themselves out to help you!

Step back and, as a previous poster said, get ready for them both to get antsy that you're not available money/childcare wise anymore.

Some people are just nicer than others OP. Carry on being nice if it gives you pleasure, but don’t expect anything in return. Niceness can have its own rewards. Even if your friends are useless at doing things, I imagine they think very highly of you.

The OP is allowing people to steal money from her and to take her time away from her own children.

Do you really think she should continue to allow those things?

Oh Dear...

For context I've found myself constantly sacrificing my time to help people
I don't understand why you'd do this. You help people, once, twice, maybe three times...but then you should start seeing some recipriocity from the people you help. If you don't, you should stop "sacrificing" your time for them. Completely. Time is precious, it's the one thing you can never earn or get back once it's passed. So maybe be more selective about how you spend your time?

...to a point where I literally get no time to do things I need to do in my own home or even with my own kids
I don't mean to be rude, but when you do this, you're being a terrible mother and wife. Put your kids, husband and THEIR home before these scroungers that add no value to your life.

I'm constantly called upon and I don't mind helping but I feel like now people are actually taking the pss... *
You feel that way, because people ARE taking the piss! You should mind that youa re surrounded by people that take, take, take from you, drain your time, energy and finances, and never ask you if they can do anything to help YOU. Why do you have these people in your life? Seriously. What do they bring to the table?

First friend I'm always always "borrowing" money to, but I never actually see it back. He's going through a lot so I've been helping him a lot
No offence, but what's wrong with you? As they say, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...why are you not getting it?! Why are you blinded to what he's doing?

Why are you taking money that could feed or clothe your children, buy them a nice experience, take them on holiday or a nice lunch, and gifting them to some loser who can't pull himself together? Again, why are you prioritising financing this man over your own children? All the money you have given to him, you could have put them in savings accounts for your children. I really don't understand you, or why you'd continue to hand over money voluntarily to an adult man you have no relation to. You don't even sound like friends, it sounds like you're an ATM and he's a customer withdrawing money from you.

I had an unexpected bill came out and asked to borrow money for the first time, vs his like 200th time... He couldn't help. Fair enough.
No, not fair enough! Stop trying to make what's unfair and wrong fair and right! You've deluded yourself into believing that this is a normal way of living life. It's not!

You have helped him 200 times, and he couldn't begrudge helping you once. It's not "fair enough" in any way. In fact, it's UNFAIR enough in every way. I'm sorry, but this would be the drop for me. I would cut this person out of my life, because, what's the actual point of him? He's not a friend - as I said, he's a customer and he sees and treats you like his ATM. In the bin with him.

Another friend I literally babysit constantly, help her do things all the time, help with her kids, she's also going through stuff but my fella is getting frustrated that I'm helping her with her children and home all the time and I'm not at home with mine and he's 100 percent right
Listen to your husband. You clearly lack the ability of seeing when people take advantage of you, so let your husband - who's not blinded like you - help you. This "friend" is just as bad as the first friend. Cut these scroungers out of your life. If not for your own sake, then for your family's. You're clearly sacrificing time and energy towards them in order to please people who only care about what you can do for them. There is a saying that goes something along the lines of "stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn't even jump over a puddle for you". This applies to you very much.

well she has a car and i don't, I asked her today if she could help me collect something I needed. She couldn't.
Of course she couldn't. Quelle surprise...

It's just made me realise like.... Am I being used?
You're being used so hard and tossed in a bin. And yes, it's just you. Not in terms of your realisation, that's obvious to everyone. But it's just you who only sees that you're being used NOW. Others, including your husband, saw it ages ago.

Is it normal for me to feel gutted and sad that I help everyone else and when I genuinely need it have nobody I can turn to?
It would be abnormal if you DIDN'T feel gutted and sad. You should have felt this a long time ago...

I jsut found myself scrolling through my contacts trying to find someone who might help me for 10 mins to collect an item of furniture in a car and I have nobody. Literally nobody I can ask.
I understand that it can be hard to come to this realisation, but now that you know that you can't rely on anyone for help...use the information to make plans and preparations to make your life easier. Find ways in which you can make self-reliance more bearable. All the money you waste on giving away to your "friend", spend that on an actual babysitter so you and your husband can have a break.

No is a complete sentence and you don't have to explain.

What a beautiful sentence. I wish you'd been around for me when I was in my people pleasing phase! Could have saved me so much angst.

Use the money you would have given to friend one and the time you would have given to friend two to get yourself some driving lessons?

They are not your friends they are users. I promise you that once you stop (which you should, imnediately), they will no longer have anything to do with you. Never give/loan people money - wouldn't that money have been better spent on your family?

I also voted YABU, for the same reasons as Dahlia.

Stop helping!

I've spent my life helping and supporting people although I never put them before my DC and in the last two years I've realised there is no one helping me. The more you do the less you are thought of. In some instances I've been treated with contempt.

Every minute and every penny you give is one less minute and penny for your DC.

Your place in your friends lives is to help them not to be helped. They won't like you stopping because you are useful.

Stop now!

You need to start setting boundaries and matching energy.

my best friend genuinely would do anything for me and vice versa . If she needed help at 3 in the morning I would give it as I know she would go the same for me. Similarly if we were out and she forgot her wallet - I know it is a genuine thing I would lend her £30 or whatever she needed as I know by the end of the day she would ping the money over to me. She wouldn’t ever use or abuse my kindness nor would I hers. Energy matched in our relationship as built on love and trust and respect.

other friends - no . I wouldn’t lend them money or do endless favours . I might enjoy spending some time with them but I just wouldn’t drop everything for them as the relationship is not that strong.

don’t allow yourself to be taking for a ride. In a true relationship there is give and take.

the examples you give your friends seem very good at taking but not at giving.

the only person who can change this is you. You can’t change them but you can get more assertive and start establishing boundaries to ensure you are not used by people.

it’s not easy saying no the first time but it does get easier and you do become stronger and happier when you set the boundaries in your life to ensure that others do not take advantage of your kindness.

start with having kindness for yourself by setting boundaries and your life will be so much better.

It’s not normal to help others to the extent that it constantly affects your home life. You need to reflect on why you feel the need to do this - is it for validation in some way / to feel valued / liked ? True friendship is helping someone occasionally or during a specific crisis, knowing they’d drop everything to help you too. When it’s one-sided, it’s time to stop. It’s not a true friendship.

Stop helping others and concentrate on your own family, you’ll be the happier for it. While it looks like it, not everyone has extended family to help out. Sometimes we just muddle through the best we can.

Spend the extra time you’ll have at home with your children and partner, get out and about with them, even to the park for a walk or picnic, sort your house (if needed). Concentrate on your own well-being. You’ll be the happier for it.

I have been in the same boat. I was always the go to person for anyone with a problem.

Not just a shoulder to cry on at all hours, but also using my professional skills to help people.... literally taking time out of the paid day job to do what one might describe as pro bono for mates...

When I hit the bottom with a serious health crisis, I stupidly thought that it was simply my turn for the universe to rally around me.

The fuckers never showed up. It was like tumbleweed except for a handful of people who I will never forget.

I know its not a deposit savings scheme of favours and thoughtfulness, but gawd, I was suprised at how little care people had for me when I had regularly dropped everything for them...

My circle of generosity is now incredibly small and i give more love and energy to the right people in my life. It was a sad realisation that some people will just bleed you dry.

Match effort with effort

Unfortunately there are friends and family in this world that would gladly take take take, but the moment you are in need there will always be an avoidance excuse of some sort.
I sometimes think these people genuinely do not realise how much piss they actually take, usually because their egos and self worth perimeters are way too high for their actual status.
You sound exactly like me, but as im getting older im realising that saying no once in a while has not only saved me from extreme burn out, but it has earned me some respect too, you'll also find out who your real friends are OP. Just say no.

So, I sympathise but you arent as generous as you think if youre keeping a score card.

Both these examples, youve asked for 1 thing from them and they cant help, thats different to asking for half a dozen and they wont help. Gay bestie needs money all the time and never repays.. what you asking him for financial help for he cant financially look after himself. And friend who cant give a lift, its one time. I wouldnt assume these people dont care without more examples

But importantly youre starting to ask for what you need. You should do that. And you should accept you wont always get it, and to evaluate where you spend your energy and get refilled.

Congrats on starting to see your worth. Dont be too harsh the other way its a difficult balance to be kind but not taken advantage of