Concerned about gay SS(10)

[Emmaex]

Im concerned if im honest

SS is 10 and turns 11 literally a few days before he goes into year 7, DP has half the time but are less stricter with it during the holidays. We had him for the first week, his mum has had him for the last 2 weeks and we will have him for the next 3 inc his birthday and start of year 7.

Hes had a phone at his mums since 2023 since he was 7 and it has no restrictions on it but his mum has said it’s her house her rules. He has tiktok and I think tiktok and general unsupervised internet use is a very very big factor in his personality, he told us (and his mum & his whole class) he was gay last year when he was still 9, his mannerisms aren’t what you would expect from a 10yo though, he constantly says things like “slay” calls people “queen” and “babes” as in “calm down babes” (one example) and talks in a very dramatic manner as if he’s performing but it’s how he genuinely talks all of the time, he’s very looks focused aswell he’s always looking in the mirror and asked DP for skincare for his birthday and those spot patch things (he has and never has had any spots bar chickenpox), he insists he WILL be a famous actor, he’s very boy focused and constantly is talking about his future boyfriend and when we remind him he’s still young he doesn’t have to worry about boyfriends right now but it’s currently constant and id find it concerning if a girl was the same about a boy or a boy was about a girl

He has siblings at his mums and he’s left to his own devices a lot (and she booked a holiday for the week he starts secondary for just them) and yesterday she didn’t even know where he is when DP picked him up. Luckily SS had his phone (he doesnt usually bring it to ours due to the disagreement over parental control issues, I think his mum must’ve told him to leave it at hers) and DP picked him up but it was after 9pm by the time DP got him in the car and he was quite far away in a park and it had already started getting dark and he’s 10.

DP has got his phone and he’s had a quick look and alot of his for you page on tiktok is drag race and makeup/skincare type things just from a quick scroll. His search history is things like “cute boys” “hot boys” and names of various men actors etc, searches about stranger things and pretty little liars and ive never watched the whole of either but I don’t think either are suitable for a 10yo that was from just a quick look too. His screen time is 11-12 hours a day and I worry about the cute boy searches and the fact he is constantly talking about a boyfriend could potentially put him at risk for grooming

DP is also really concerned about bullying at school if he acts this way especially as he’s already the youngest he’s worried about the dangers of the phone use and how he’s already acting at 10 - he doesn’t care about if he is gay but he’s acting very old for his age

Would this be grounds for trying to change the custody agreement ? Any advice will be appreciated

Didn't you post this yesterday?

Hoping to get more replies.

FOR CONTEXT:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5567480-to-be-very-concerned-over-stepson-acting-much-older-than-he-is-due-to-unrestricted-internet-use?reply=154196515

Why are you posting this again

you cannot argue a change in custody agreement because you don’t like mum’s rules. You are overstepping.

im guessing you started a new thread because you realised you aren’t getting the answers you want on the other one, primarily because you seem to equate his phone usage to him being gay.

I also see no reason to mention his sexuality (if we can really even call it that in someone prepubescent) in the post either. You just sound like you have issues with being gay more than anything else. I find it offensive!

I don’t think that’s fair - she’s clearly concerned about his manner and how much he’s absorbing from his phone, 11-12 hours of screen time for a 10 year old is wild. He’s so impressionable at that age and saying things like ‘slay queen’ is complete nonsense.
if a 10 year old girl was in that position and spoke like him and was going about boys to that extent it would also be incredibly concerning- reminder that he’s TEN.
no advice OP other then to contact a solicitor for advice, you genuinely won’t get anything here, supportive comments or not nobody can actually tell you what the likelihood is

Having recently had a son this age, I can promise you that anything and all things said on the shows they watch will be imitated, it’s no different to when we were kids and people said such treasures like ‘unbelievable tekkers’ and ‘proper nectar’…because he has been watching RuPaul (who is actually amazing and not at all inappropriate for a young person) he has learned phrases like ‘slay queen’…

I haven’t been harsh, the OP is the step mum, and seems to 1) thinks she should be allowed to dictate how he talks, 2) thinks she knows better than mum (it’s not a competition), 3) seems to want to reduce contact time with mum (overstepping much?)

And I feel 💯 confident that if the boy came in from the park at 9pm covered in mud and carrying a football, that this wouldn’t even be posted as a concern about the time he was out.

Its also the school holidays, so screen time will be higher, what we don’t know is the quality of that screen time, or more importantly whether he has a screen lock…if he has turned it off like many do because of the games and videos they play then it could just as easily have been sat unlocked on the Home Screen for much of that screen time clock has counted.

I’m posting for more replies in general as being on his phone unrestricted for up to 12 hours a day at 10 is unhealthy and if you think otherwise then you’re a bad parent.

There was a post a few days ago after a 15 year old hit a 10 yo girl (very wrong obviously) and the amount of people saying she was a child which SS also is but you think it’s ok for him to have unrestricted access to the internet.

Mentioning he’s gay is relevant to the thread and it’s not because It’s a problem, if he’s fixated on getting a boyfriend and is constantly talking about it he could potentially try and seek one out online and could be groomed. And the fact his mum didn’t know where he was, it was closer to 9:30 and getting dark and he was at a park 40 minutes away after his friends had gone home, you don’t think that’s a concern?

You’re the one being ridiculous and saying I think the phone made him gay which ive said nowhere in my post and I don’t think. You can just scroll on by if you don’t like my post.

Being gay obviously isnt a problem. The being far away in a park is concerning. I think this child could be vulnerable and you are right to be worried. He's obviously.mimmicking things he's seen and heard but that could , in some cases, mean a child is more influenced by / vulnerable to other more adult things he might see and hear too. He clearly has a very limited understanding.of any of it and I do think he could be a target for unscrupilous individuals.

I would be getting social services involved. He could be talking to anyone. Grown adult males pretending to be kids? Definitely intervention needed IMHO

I would be incredibly concerned about the unrestricted screen time (11 hours a day is terrifying). Allowing unsupervised access to the internet from age 7 is negligent parenting, and so is letting them be on their phone at 10 for every waking hour.

I have a Year 6 (going into Year 7) child and I would be extremely concerned if she was that obsessed with finding a boyfriend or girlfriend or if all her internet searches were about 'hot boys'. Irrelevant that he is gay, but a 10 year old child searching for 'hot boys' on social media and feeding the algorithm with searches along those lines could easily find themselves viewing something very inappropriate. Bear in mind how lax the safety features are and how easy it is for children to get harmful content recommended to them as a result of innocuous searches or a single click. And he could easily be drawn into conversations with adult strangers posing as 'cute boys' if he's making it public that he's desperate to find a boyfriend.

I'm assuming that an open conversation with his mum hasn't worked. Could you try talking to him openly about why you are worried, focusing on the dangers of speaking to strangers on the internet, and how tech companies make money out of making their products addictive. Have you watched 'the social dilemma' with him. It is quite a good way of opening up those conversations in a way that doesn't come across as telling him off or trying to ban him.

This will not meet the threshold for social services intervention.

it won’t even come close.

feel free to report anyway.

(obviously unrestricted internet access is not great parenting but there’s a long way between not great parenting and social services intervention)

It sounds like he actually might get a career in acting, he seems a pretty unique character which is great although may get him into trouble with bullying at school. I would be looking at acting classes, amateur dramatics,etc to give him something to think about apart from cute boys and tiktok. Is he doing well at school he sounds ahead for his age?

Hi OP

It's shit but I don't think it would be grounds for changing the custody arrangement unless you could prove that it was harming him (rather than having the potential to harm him). So for example is he really tired, has he accessed anything harmful (eg pornographic), is he having troubles at school caused by the phone use etc.

I think I'd just be focusing on teaching him about controlling his own screen time, danger of Internet, discussions on issues with social media that have led to the ban etc and see if you can get him to start better habits

Yes I would be very concerned too. The child is far to young to have unrestricted access to a phone or be out late like that. It is a huge safety concern.

The screen time is concerning and hopefully you can encourage some offline hobbies while he's with you, but it's not something you can control while he's with his mum.

Things like skincare are pretty popular in that age range - mainly with girls, but no harm in boys learning to deal with their skin/acne too.

If he does get bullied at school for being himself, his parents/stepparents also discouraging him from being himself won't be helpful.

The issue is he’s got too much access to digital devices and is therefore growing up too quickly because of it. He’s accessing a world where he thinks being gay is to be feminine and outrageous. He’s finding out who he is and this is heavily influencing him but probably no different to his female peers - if they also have access to an unfiltered internet.

The issue isn’t his sexuality. It’s what he’s watching and what he thinks being gay is. He needs to know that his sexuality doesn’t have to be the main thing that defines him. He needs to see other gay role models and understand it’s individual, not the performative drag queens he is watching.

He's 10. He's in year 6.
Of course he shouldn't be dabbling in adult sexual issues - gay or straight. He's a child. No child should have unconditional access online. It sounds as if his behaviour may be "age inappropriate" learnt sexualised behaviour and that's a cause for concern.
OP - his dad needs to check that his internet usage / phone in detail. Is it passive watching (which is still a safeguarding issue if it's age inappropriate content) or has it strayed into directly speaking with / being contacted by adults? If there's any suggestion that adults may in some way be involved then ask for some specialist advice? There are a range of organisations - including the NSPCC:

Helpline: 0800 800 5000.

All parents should be concernd about a 10 year old with unsupervised social media access . Gay / straight is irrelevant. He's a young child and needs love and safeguarding.

It’s not being gay that’s the point, it’s the adoption of language not age appropriate and likely accessing materials that are adults only. Unlimited access to phones at a young age g age is an issue whether gay or straight - if it was misogynistic language it would be just as concerning.

there is obviously a lot going on here and op is expressing concern for her dss which i completely understand why. It is however down to his parents to make decisions, though op can support her dh by standing by decisions he makes and if it came to it, having dss full time

I can’t scroll on by when a step mum has the audacity to try to take the child off his mum because of his screen time.

You can call me a bad parent if you want, I know I’m not so I’m not offended. I’ve grown a fully adult male who has respect for others, achieved good exam results (all As) and who is loving and kind. Name calling doesn’t help further your agenda.

I’ve given two logical explanations as to why the screen time could be higher, one is phone lock settings, the other is SCHOOL HOLIDAYS so more relaxation around the screen limits.

As for worrying he will find a boyfriend online and be groomed because he talks about wanting a boyfriend in the future…come on. Do we need to stop little girls playing with dolls because it makes them talk about their future children and what if it makes them decide to have a baby when they’re 12? Obviously not, it’s a stretch, and one you are only making because of his sexuality.

Anyway, putting sexuality aside for a moment, do you realise that he can’t actually access adult sites because of the two factor authentication and age verification. In order to access a porn site for example, you now have to register for an account, then you need to age verify, and every single time you want to access the content you have to use an authentication app to prove who you are. So I think you should be more careful when you say he has ‘unrestricted access’ to the internet as this just isn’t true. At worst he has ‘unsupervised access’ which is completely different.

You don’t know what his mum is doing with his phone at home. She may well be checking all of his history every single night to vet what he has accessed, you make huge leaps to portray her as an unfit mother with no knowledge of what is really going on in her home because you don’t live there.

I once had somebody (loudly) on a table next to me criticise my parenting because whilst I was sat in a hospital cafeteria with my son (then 8/9) we were both playing on our phones. What we were actually doing is engaging in a game of chess against each other (he won), and the phones gave us the opportunity to do that in a place we couldn’t obviously pull out a board and set up. Screens helped my son learn to count in other languages, improved his speed in times tables, and his problem solving. It helped him to learn to code from the age of about 7. We need to stop with the screen hate all of the time…it isn’t always mindless nonsense and TikTok reels, there is also good content and stimulating educational tools.

But by far the worst thing you did was (particularly as a step parent too) ask about how to gain sole custody of a 10 year old who was allowed to have his phone for too many hours during the school holidays. How dare you try to take him from his mother, then put up a second post where you remove that bit because you realised you were going to get told to sort yourself out.

We found the mum it seems!

Oh give over. If it were the other way around and it was the dad giving an 7 year old kid a phone and allowing 12 hours a day screen time (you seriously think school holidays is an excuse for this at age 10?!) you’d probably be slating him!

The kid is 10 and prattling on about boyfriends. So yes his parents should be worried about him being susceptible to online grooming. How can you not see this is an issue?

Being on his own 40 minutes away at 9pm
at that age is not ok. Are you for real?

As for overstepping, the kid is lucky he has one female figure who gives a damn about his safety! It’s not ok for a step parent to keep their mouth shut when there’s a safeguarding issue. Being a biological parent doesn’t mean you know best or are above criticism.

Are you the mum?

Well this seems like the perfect reply to my post

It doesn’t matter if it’s a man, I don’t hate them. I hate the idea that someone who is not related to a child would have the audacity to try to ask for help taking custody from his mother because of 😱screen time 😱

How very original

❤️