Concerned about gay SS(10)

[Emmaex]

Im concerned if im honest

SS is 10 and turns 11 literally a few days before he goes into year 7, DP has half the time but are less stricter with it during the holidays. We had him for the first week, his mum has had him for the last 2 weeks and we will have him for the next 3 inc his birthday and start of year 7.

Hes had a phone at his mums since 2023 since he was 7 and it has no restrictions on it but his mum has said it’s her house her rules. He has tiktok and I think tiktok and general unsupervised internet use is a very very big factor in his personality, he told us (and his mum & his whole class) he was gay last year when he was still 9, his mannerisms aren’t what you would expect from a 10yo though, he constantly says things like “slay” calls people “queen” and “babes” as in “calm down babes” (one example) and talks in a very dramatic manner as if he’s performing but it’s how he genuinely talks all of the time, he’s very looks focused aswell he’s always looking in the mirror and asked DP for skincare for his birthday and those spot patch things (he has and never has had any spots bar chickenpox), he insists he WILL be a famous actor, he’s very boy focused and constantly is talking about his future boyfriend and when we remind him he’s still young he doesn’t have to worry about boyfriends right now but it’s currently constant and id find it concerning if a girl was the same about a boy or a boy was about a girl

He has siblings at his mums and he’s left to his own devices a lot (and she booked a holiday for the week he starts secondary for just them) and yesterday she didn’t even know where he is when DP picked him up. Luckily SS had his phone (he doesnt usually bring it to ours due to the disagreement over parental control issues, I think his mum must’ve told him to leave it at hers) and DP picked him up but it was after 9pm by the time DP got him in the car and he was quite far away in a park and it had already started getting dark and he’s 10.

DP has got his phone and he’s had a quick look and alot of his for you page on tiktok is drag race and makeup/skincare type things just from a quick scroll. His search history is things like “cute boys” “hot boys” and names of various men actors etc, searches about stranger things and pretty little liars and ive never watched the whole of either but I don’t think either are suitable for a 10yo that was from just a quick look too. His screen time is 11-12 hours a day and I worry about the cute boy searches and the fact he is constantly talking about a boyfriend could potentially put him at risk for grooming

DP is also really concerned about bullying at school if he acts this way especially as he’s already the youngest he’s worried about the dangers of the phone use and how he’s already acting at 10 - he doesn’t care about if he is gay but he’s acting very old for his age

Would this be grounds for trying to change the custody agreement ? Any advice will be appreciated

There's obviously a massive risk difference between playing with dolls (or skincare, or watching Drag Race on a shared screen for that matter) and spending the entire day on a phone, which allows unsupervised contact with strangers. And no, a parent checking the phone after doesn't stop the use being unsupervised.

The gay thing is relevant. Rightly or wrongly, I have a dim view of certain men. And if this 10y old is putting this kind of content out there, he is at risk of being groomed by a predatory man. More than if he was asking about girls.

I am appalled that 10y olds are looking at this stuff and speaking this way. He sounds emotionally neglected and without safe boundaries at his mum’s.

What you’ve said about porn sites is blatantly untrue. You do not have to verify ID every single time. Are you thinking of 2FA??

The initial age check is very easy for a determined 11 year old to get past.

The amount of screen time OP is talking about is ridiculous for anyone let alone a child.

Looking at sexualised content online is not remotely the same as a child playing doll families and you know it.

It's right that she is worried, she wants to save him from impending mental illness that the vulnerable boy is likely getting because of the phone excessive use. It looks like she is the only one in the boy's life that sees what's happening. In what world might anybody think that his behaviour and 12h phone use is normal in 10-year old boy? Parents often give a phone just to have peace, they don't think about the consequences.

I said you have to age verify AND every single time you log on you have to use an Authenticator app to prove who you are. So yeah, age verification once and 2FA every time 🤷‍♀️ what do you think 2FA is, it’s authenticating who you are via a code on an Authenticator app

@Boreded
He has had a phone and unrestricted internet access since he was 7.

Yeah it is ok to be concerned, it isn’t ok to ask for help to gain full custody of her step son

Supposedly…how would she know whether he was supervised or not? She isn’t living at the mum’s home.

Yes, I agree.

I'd be really worried that a 10-year old is so sexualised - no ten-year old should be obsessing over finding a potential sexual partner. Then there's roaming parks in the dark. That's really inappropriate. I do think this needs reporting or flagging in some way. Or (there's the danger that) someone will pick him up, in person or online and prey on him. He sounds lonely, neglected and seeking a connection.

You are not wrong to be worried about grooming. That's too much unsupervised time online and if he's posting he will get targeted.

Possibly his viewing is directing what he thinks his sexuality is, that's not a big deal, if he is not really gay it won't take him long to realise it.

All you can do is educate him to be safe online and to get off screens and do things in real life. It's unlikely his mum will agree to cut screen usage, if the social media ban comes in it'll help.

I also don't see what him being gay had to do with it. He definitely shouldn't have unrestricted access to a phone or spend that long online. But it's not your place to try and enforce those rules on him when he's at his mum's.

You enforce them while he's in your care. Try and do nice things with him without phones and then at least you know when he's at your home he's not online all the time.

There seem to be a number of posters who've not come across the need to safeguard primary children so I'm just attaching a useful link with some basic info about online child abuse. This is a site for parents so I make no apology for challenging the casual dismissal of potential safeguarding concerns by a small number of posters:

https://www.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/caa/child-abuse/online-child-abuse/

I think it's worth flagging to the safeguarding lead at his new school. They'll decide if any further action is required, but at the least it flags up that he is in a vulnerable position and is the starting point if future issues arise.

He is young for this type of behaviour and that could make him suceptible for damaging negative behaviour from others.

Yes. There is so much to worry about here. My heart goes out to this young boy. He’s so young and it’s likely he has already been exposed to so much online. The fact he was roaming outside in a park so late makes me feel v sad.

I think I might be one of the people you are referencing. I do think that we need to be very careful what a child can access. But what we also need to be careful about is a step mum trying to remove a boy from his mother’s custody because his screen time is high.

There has been nothing from the OP to actually confirm what the screen time was broken out into. Was it 10 hours on social media, or was it 1 hour on social media and 9 hours playing an educational game.

Unsupervised internet use is a potential risk, however it is not worthy of wasting the time of social services, warning the school about him, and definitely not changing a custody arrangement. They need to educate the boy on the dangers that are online, and when with them ensure he is accessing appropriate content only. They also need to check in with the mum to see what he is actually allowed or not allowed access to at her house and try to come up with a solution that gives a good set of rules across the homes, not turn it into a war about whether she is a bad mother or not.

And to the poster further up who talked about him and used the word sexualised a couple of times…why have you decided that he has sexualised language…why have you decided that he is looking for a sexual partner…the poor kid talks about having a boyfriend in the future, not finding someone to have sex with. If he was looking forward to finding someone to have sex with then this would be an entirely different and serious issue.

With respect, stating that "Unsupervised internet use is a potential risk, however it is not worthy of wasting the time of social services, warning the school about him....." is not a judgment that anyone without having deeper knowledge of the situation should make. It's potentially dangerous to dismiss what the OP has said without probing further.

Evidently that's not up to posters on mumset to do which is why I suggested that they speak to the NSPCC helpline after his father has looked further into the nature of any contact this primary aged child may be having with adults online.
Safeguarding children means being aware of risks and sadly being prepared to consider the "unthinkable". I appreciate that you've been enraged by the OP's comments about custody. But that's not a reason to dismiss the other concerns about a 10 year old's online activity.

The safeguarding process is designed so that adults can raise concerns& discuss them experienced professionals. Sometimes serious red flags are identified and interventions necessary. Often it goes no further.

It's much harder to safeguard children from sexualised / adult porn / age inappropriate issues in our online age. But children are entitled to be protected and allowed to develop safely as children before having to navigate adult sexuality.
That's what the OP & her DH are trying to do.

I removed the sole custody bit as I had worded it wrong. I clarified that in a comment. It’s not just because of the school holidays and his mum doesn’t check the phone at all and it has no parental controls or screen limits on it. He has face ID set up and a passcode.

You can simply scroll on by just because i’m his stepmum i’m clearly more concerned than his bio mum. If I posted in a few years about something I’d have comments like “why didn’t you step in and do something” which would be fair enough. Hes only 10 now so what will he be like in 3/4 years. I’ve never watched drag race but I did a quick search and some posters on here on old threads were saying it’s not suitable for a 10 year old. I googled “is pretty little liars suitable for a 10yo” and it said no. Stranger things maybe at a push but ive never seen it in full so I don’t know.

His iphone updated and needed ID verification to use the app store and things and his mum verified it, his tiktok account thinks he’s an adult so it doesn’t do any of the time limits it has for under 16s.

Him being 40 minutes away after 9pm wasn’t a one off and his mum wasn’t concerned at all, she just said that he “probably didn’t want to see DP” but SS actually said he thought he was coming here today not yesterday and said he was doing “nothing” at the park but all his friends had gone home so SS likely would’ve stayed out longer if DP hadn’t gone to pick him up

And no of course we shouldn’t stop girls playing with dolls but i’d feel the same if a girl was constantly talking and a boyfriend and searching hot boys, and if a 10yo girl/boy searched hot girls. The searches were just a quick look DP hasnt yet had a proper look through the phone and this is the first time he’s seen it as he usually leaves it at his mums

It’s much harder to access porn now than when I was a teenager FWIW.

I agree that if the boy has been talking to people online then yes it is a safeguarding issue, but there is absolutely zero evidence of this. You can’t just start involving the authorities because someone has internet access, all 10 year olds do. If you suspect he has been speaking with people or accessed inappropriate content then 💯 you can raise this, but in the absence of any evidence of any chats online what is it you would raise.

It would be like phoning social services because you heard a parent shout, so maybe potentially possibly there could be a chance there being abused at home…you wouldn’t do that. But if you observed a pattern of behaviour that actually indicated a risk of abuse you would call.

Anyway I agree with you on speaking to people for advice, once it has been established that there is real or potential risk of harm. Until then there is nothing to say. But his dad can check by looking through the phone, mum too, and make determination from there. And definitely someone who can provide an advice service like NSPCC is better than social services who need to use their time trying to save kids who are currently facing harm

We're going to have to agree to differ.
After years of experience working in safeguarding I'm of the view that we don't discourage parents / responsible adults from raising concerns or queries, whether it's with the NSPCC or their local social services (or a school when they're not on holiday).

We encourage the sharing of concerns - that's the whole point of all our safeguarding system. Adults raise concerns and professionals assess & if necessary, investigate. If people had to be definite before referring a concern, many children's issues would never be raised.

The thresholds for intervention are rightly high and the system is far from perfect. But if a child is at risk of significant harm - and the OP raises a number of troubling concerns about potential neglect and potential access to age inappropriate sexual issues for a 10 year old - then she's being responsible and caring for his welfare.

I hope she's found the thread useful, despite some of the pointed personal comments made.

He wants to join stagecoach but it's £350+ for the term (from sept-november) and he's not with us all the time, DP suggested to his ex to go halves but she fully refused and has said he’ll be the one taking him if he signs him up even during her time (or he goes on his own which just feels mean)

During parents evening school mentioned how he doesn't always bring his home in and that he's behind in maths and english and he often rushes through the work and the work is then messy/unreadable and they said he often answers back with comments trying to sound smart but his mhm brushes it off with being “sassy”

Every child in the world has ‘potential’ access to age appropriate sexual issues just by having a phone - do we report all of these?

I’m not disagreeing with you, all real concerns should be flagged, however, this OP doesn’t have real concerns, she has just decided that she doesn’t like something. Every child of divorce would have to have contact with SS if we work this way.

I do think though that you are being intentionally obtuse though, so I’ll stop engaging.

Do everything you can to get him away from his mother. That's my worst nightmare. Having a kid and having to watch some incompetent A hole mess up my kid because they don't know how to raise children.

The amount of screen time and the quality of what he is watching would definitely concern me and it shows you care that this concerns you too. I don't think there is much you can do though and it won't meet the thresholds for social services involvement sadly.

As a consultant psychiatrist dealing with parents whose children are often put at risk, I agree with everything you are saying here.