AIBU to give my 6-year-old 45 minutes in her room?

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DD has got some serious attitude going on at the moment, lots of refusal or negotiating of things we’ve asked her to do. Simple things like “go get your pyjamas on ready for bed” turns into “IM NOT DOING IT UNLESS I GET TO STAY UP LATE/HAVE A TREAT/GO TO THE PARK TOMORROW” ect.

Last night DS started a programme and had to end it in the middle of it to go to bed, he was promised he could finish it this morning after breakfast. Breakfast done, DD grabs the remote and starts screaming and crying about not wanting to watch what he wants and that it’s ‘lame and boring’ 🙄 at first I said something along the lines of, you don’t have to like it, you can go and play or read a book until he’s finished and then you can pick something to watch (they usually very much agree on the same programmes so this hasn’t been an issue before) she continues to scream and won’t give me the remote, eventually i tell her she has to go and spend 5 minutes in her room to calm down and have some reflection in her behaviour, she throws the remote at me and and screams no. So I give her 3 seconds before I increase to 10 minutes.

We do this occasionally and she usually gets to 15 minutes then goes up begging for me to reduce the time. I don’t.

Anyway, she was stubborn this morning and kept refusing to go to her room, she’s ended up with 45 minutes. I told her she can make use of the time by tidying her room or reading. She’s very upset, begging me to only give her 5 minutes.

I feel bad for the 45 minutes, is that too much for a 6 year old? We really need to crack down on her bossiness, she’s constantly refusing and demanding, her attitude just really sucks at the moment and I feel a bit out of depth on how to handle it while also being fair. DS is 4 and although he is quite emotional, his behaviour isn’t bad, he tantrums over toys not working/standing up the way he wants ect and rather than asking for help he has a big meltdown and runs away to the stairs to cry and generally just need reassurance that he needs to ask for help rather than immediately getting upset.

I feel like I’m being unequal, or unfair on DD and I’m afraid she feels like she’s getting all the heat from us, I try to be as fair and as calm as possible and explain everything to her as to why we tell her to go to her room, or why she can’t have a treat that day ect. I’m just finding it really hard at the moment.

Far, far too much negotiation and deal making here. You shouldn't need to buy their compliance by making a deal regarding some future activity. You tell them, they do it, end of.

45 minutes is fine

So what would you suggest? Wishy washy child focused pandering and chats?

A 6 year old does not get to say ‘no’. She has to do as she is told

She did the 45 minutes, she has tidied her whole room within 25 of them then asked to come back down. I stuck to it and she stayed in there the full 45.

generally, once she’s told to go have 5 minutes in her room I give her 3 seconds to start leaving the room, otherwise I add another 5 minutes on. If she sits trying to reason with me for 3 more seconds, another 5 minutes added.

We do have lots and lots of conversations about her behaviour and how much happier she is, and how happier everyone is and the family just feels nicer when everyone is behaving nicely. She can have really good moments… but she can also have really awful ones.

Well done to sticking to your guns. And well done to her for tidying her room. Hopefully, the whole incident does not repeat again.
And it may well be worth having a conversation with her about why she struggles to regulate her emotions in the moment and coming up with some solutions together.

I'm really not meaning to be harsh but you surely cannot be giving other people parenting advice while describing your own ineffectual parenting of a difficult child. All described behaviour might be developmentally normal for a six year old - that doesn't mean that it doesn't require authoritative action from the parents. I would advise you to stop threatening your child with consequences you have no intention of following through with as you are teaching them that you are not a person whose word can be trusted. I would be very surprised if they had any respect for you as an authority figure.

"Not doing punishment as a rule" is absolutely shocking and everyone can see the results of this lazy parenting philosophy when they go outside. Stop negotiating with your child who relies on you for guidance and boundaries and start punishing disobedience. If the word "punishment" makes some uncomfortable, I would point out that so-called "natural consequences" are a form of punishment (and usually the correct one).

Maybe try positive re-enforcement, a star or move up a ladder every day if no bad behaviour other than typical 6 yo behaviour. Then a small treat at the top of the ladder or 7 stars - a trip to cinema/a new book (something you were probably going to do anyway).

Also consequences related to the poor behaviour, arguing over the tv - no tv for the day/two days. 45 mins in her room at age 6 isn’t awful but after the first five minutes, she’ll be happy as has lots there to entertain her I’m sure. 10 minutes sitting on a chair or step on the stairs would be more boring. Nip the bad behaviour in the bid quickly, gently lift her out of the room or leave the room yourself taking the remote or whatever it is that she’s fighting over. Giver her a warning, I’m counting to three, if you don’t stop then the consequences will be xxx, then stop trying to reason or cajole her. Ignore her until she calms down.

You know you don't have to see your child as your adversary and in the long children who receive unconditional love have much better outcomes.

That would be a bit long with my 7 year old. She has had similar reactions like the one in your OP. A technique I've found is to call her out on her behaviour "I know that you are angry about X, it's ok to be angry but it is absolutely not acceptable behaviour to throw a remote because it'll hurt someone or break something. How can we best calm down? Do we need some quiet time in our bedroom? Time outside? Or a hug?". Over time when pulled up on her behaviour she'll now tell us what she needs. She has on occasion come back from her room ten minutes later and apologised and we've talked about it calmly. I find it incredibly hard to do it though as I am a natural aghhhh shouty person myself. I'm sure it'll change as she gets older but for now it works. Whenever I've threatened to take things away it's only ever escalated the behaviour.

One key sign of love is teaching appropriate boundaries.
No adversary nature about it.
She shouldn't have been protesting and saying no. It's not her place to do that. 6 year olds don't make the rules and mum as the parent has to teach her that (and it sounds like she tried).
Are you a gentle parent by any chance? 😂

Sounds like you are doing well, just keep being consistent with the boundaries and following through.

It is 45 minutes in her comfortable bedroom , absolutely fine for a school aged child.

Eventually she will respond quicker when you have consistently embedded that boundary.

45 minutes for a child her age is way too long. We always had a ‘thinking step’ on our stairs and DDs had a giant egg timer that correlated a minute for every year of their age. They weren’t allowed to leave the step until they’d thought about their behaviour and I’d had a chat with them. Sending them to their room is quite harsh imo …

Sounds like the strategy of increasing time wasn't working on this occasion. It sounds as if she was too overwhelmed to choose rationally, so you should try to consider strategies for de-escalation

DS is 7 and has ADHD so I am well versed in the combative refusals. I don't put a time limit on it now as he has expressed in calmer moments that the best thing for him is time alone to calm down. So the rule is now you go to your room you can read or write (it helps him) until you have thought about how you behaved, how that's affected other people and how you could do things differently, sometimes he's in there 5 minutes , sometimes much longer (probably up to 30+ minutes), he came out after a longer one a few weeks ago and he'd drawn a comic of someone getting angry and someone else being upset, and then said he was sorry and talked about how he was feeling before he shouted and we talked about how we can avoid getting to that place while still showing how we feel. It's very 2 steps forward 5 back but progress is there.
Enforced 45 minutes does seem quite long

Unconditional love absolutely, tolerance for bad, rude and violent behaviour absolutely not. It’s not treating your child like an adversary to teach them appropriate behaviour and boundaries.

Teaching children boundaries then helps them in adulthood to set and hold their own boundaries which I’d argue is essential for women particularly. By never holding a boundary you teach them that other people’s needs are irrelevant to them, or worse that boundaries are wrong in some way. Unconditionally loving a child doesn’t mean never correcting them.

Sending to room is a massive no no from me. Evidence suggests not beneficial.

So effectively, she pushed the boundaries and you argued/pushed back, 8 or 9 times before she went to her room? You need to find a new punishment or be much more assertive, that’s not how rules/punishments should work. You let it go on for far too long.