AIBU to give my 6-year-old 45 minutes in her room?

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DD has got some serious attitude going on at the moment, lots of refusal or negotiating of things we’ve asked her to do. Simple things like “go get your pyjamas on ready for bed” turns into “IM NOT DOING IT UNLESS I GET TO STAY UP LATE/HAVE A TREAT/GO TO THE PARK TOMORROW” ect.

Last night DS started a programme and had to end it in the middle of it to go to bed, he was promised he could finish it this morning after breakfast. Breakfast done, DD grabs the remote and starts screaming and crying about not wanting to watch what he wants and that it’s ‘lame and boring’ 🙄 at first I said something along the lines of, you don’t have to like it, you can go and play or read a book until he’s finished and then you can pick something to watch (they usually very much agree on the same programmes so this hasn’t been an issue before) she continues to scream and won’t give me the remote, eventually i tell her she has to go and spend 5 minutes in her room to calm down and have some reflection in her behaviour, she throws the remote at me and and screams no. So I give her 3 seconds before I increase to 10 minutes.

We do this occasionally and she usually gets to 15 minutes then goes up begging for me to reduce the time. I don’t.

Anyway, she was stubborn this morning and kept refusing to go to her room, she’s ended up with 45 minutes. I told her she can make use of the time by tidying her room or reading. She’s very upset, begging me to only give her 5 minutes.

I feel bad for the 45 minutes, is that too much for a 6 year old? We really need to crack down on her bossiness, she’s constantly refusing and demanding, her attitude just really sucks at the moment and I feel a bit out of depth on how to handle it while also being fair. DS is 4 and although he is quite emotional, his behaviour isn’t bad, he tantrums over toys not working/standing up the way he wants ect and rather than asking for help he has a big meltdown and runs away to the stairs to cry and generally just need reassurance that he needs to ask for help rather than immediately getting upset.

I feel like I’m being unequal, or unfair on DD and I’m afraid she feels like she’s getting all the heat from us, I try to be as fair and as calm as possible and explain everything to her as to why we tell her to go to her room, or why she can’t have a treat that day ect. I’m just finding it really hard at the moment.

Sorry but I do think 45 minutes is too long.

Press reset and go up shortly for a chat and focus on positive behaviour rather than negative. Very hard to do when she’s being so difficult.

Also, removing a treat later in the day for rudeness at breakfast time is probably too much as well and likely to reinforce her anger.

No, it’s not too much. She’s behaving terribly and needs an appropriate punishment. She needs to learn boundaries and appropriate behaviour. She also needs to learn that you mean what you say, so don’t capitulate on the 45 minutes.

And your son deserves the time you promised him so he could finish watching his programme, without his sister interrupting and complaining!

I don't think it's awful or anything, and I can see why you don't want to back down. But I'm not sure it's the most effective. 45 minutes will feel extremely long to her. Does she have a way of knowing the time? If not I'd go in after 20 minutes and tell her it was 45. It will still feel like a very long time from her point of view.

I just want to add, you sound like a good mum, don't be downhearted. It's the middle of the summer holidays and they're going to be acting up. Sometimes it does feel like you're being harder on one of them, but as long as you try to be fair it'll all turn out ok. This time next year your DD could be an angel and her brother could be the one who's always acting out! Mine used to go through phases.

Have a cup of tea and don't be too hard on yourself. Then get them outdoors and let them run it off!

I feel that regardless of whether 45 minutes is too long, you now need to follow through. Because if you back down, next time your boundary of extended time will have zero effort as she will know that it's an empty threat.
Hopefully, this will only need to happen once.

45 minutes in a low stimulating environment is absolutely fine for the child of this age. Remembering myself at that age, this would actually be more of a reward than punishment (we had a busy household and everyone lived on top of each other so having a room to yourself for the whole 45 minutes would be amazing!)

Sending a child to their room is ineffective.
One second you are saying go to your room to play/rest/have your own space and the next that room is a punishment zone

Get a naughty step

45 mins is too long but her answer of NO when being told to go to her room is not acceptable.

You need to do it supernanny style and take her to her room/time out space for 6 minutes then if she comes back out then take her back. She then needs to apologise when she has served her time.

1 minute per year of their age is appropriate.

She will probably spend ten minutes sulking and then get distracted by a book or a toy and start playing.

She probably won’t do any tidying, if you want the tidying done you will have to go up after about 20 minutes and say “how’s the tidying going, do you need any help”, Or just forget about the tidying and stick with the 45 minutes.

I never used the kids bedrooms as punishment spaces as their bedroom is supposed to be relaxing and safe - not somewhere to go when being sent away as they have been naughty.

Kids can be arses - I’ve got three.

The increasing the time doesn’t matter when she is in full fuckery mode - time to a six year old means nothing. 5 mins or 50 mins she won’t be able to regulate herself quickly enough to bring herself down before extra time is needed.

6 & 4 year olds are going to be patented differently as their needs are different.

At six I would probably just ignore it then revisit when she’s calmed down and discuss why she acted like that and how it made you feel. six year old girlies are demanding and bossy I’ve had three of them 🫣

I'd say it depends on whether she will spend the time in her room quietly playing/reading or whether she'll continue the strop and throw all her toys on the floor/strip the covers off her bed and try to fling them out of the window etc.

Hopefully she'll sit and sulk for a few minutes and then start to play. Then I'd go in after about twenty minutes, tell her time was up and carry on with the day.

I’m a teacher. It’s often suggested that the language of choice can be more effective, and also giving them a way to back down while saving face. So “You’re choosing to prevent DS from watching his programme, which means that you have to [consequence]. But, if you choose instead to read/help me tidy up/play something while he’s watching his programme, that would mean you could [whatever nice thing] instead of [consequence].”

Maybe while she’s calm you and she could talk about how she’s behaving at the moment and how both of you feel at those times? Kids can be quite astute and aware, it helps to name the feelings, and she might tell you how she’d like you to deal with things. Or at least how she’d expect you to deal with her brother if he were behaving as she is! Doesn’t need to be a shaming conversation, just an open one.

I say kindly & without judgement, as 6 years old comes with very 'big feelings' & it's bloody hard for you especially in the holidays. YABU I do not believe been sent to their bedroom should be used as punishment.
Quite willing to be shot down. As I am long in the tooth & there may be more 'modern' practices that I am unaware of.
The attitude does need to be nipped in the bud. However 6 is also old enough for consequences. 10 minute time out in a boring place, we used to use the hallway, bottom step. I would say is max, or until the wailing stops. then an apology for the behaviour. Removal of privileges- screen time for that day etc etc. We always started afresh the next day, grudges/punishment not carried forward. I always chatted at bedtime, setting up what the next day would bring, what behaviour was expected, if they have been good, wasn't today lovely with us all been nice taking turns etc, or let's try harder tomorrow to be kind as it makes everyone sad when there is shouting & in kindness & then reminded at breakfast, ie ok DC's remember today we are going swimming this afternoon, this morning X is watching the end of his programme, Y you can watch with or play Lego/ colour in or help me in the garden. We are going to have a lovely day.
The absolute trick here is confidence & calmness, which is a feat in itself when you are exhausted & want to go hide under the duvet. Bluff it, until it becomes second nature.

Well as a punishment/deterrent it’s not very effective if she managed to escalate from 5 minutes to 45. How many times did she push back to get to that point? She’s 6 years old, at that age mine were told very clearly to pack it in, and physically removed from the situation if need be. She’d have found herself folding laundry and dusting in my house - busy work alongside me rather than chilling in her room.

Super nanny is a women who has never raised her own kids. Most of the people she visited had fucked up families and anyone with half a brain cell could offer advice. I cringed when I saw her programs.

The naughty step is hideous

I don't think it's too long, sometimes a reset is needed. And at that age they really need to know that the boundaries are firm and that what you say will actually happen. Sounds like it's not a regular occurrence for her to push it this far, and that it usually works as a behavioural management strategy.

I would say that if this does happen a few times and behaviour isn't changing perhaps it's no longer an effective strategy and you might need a new system.

I think it is a bit long but I can see how you got there and it’s not terrible. Does she respond to praise/rewards for good behaviour?

So she can be angry. Removing a treat later in the day is perfectly fine. Actions have consequences, that's real life.

You’ve said it so you should follow through.

Id give her some structure to it though. Explain this is a chance to calm down and
then reflect. Maybe come in at 30 mins and sit down - listen to how she was feeling and explain why this wasn’t going to happen and discuss how those feelings can be expressed/ managed in future. That sounds long as she’s 6 so try to keep it brief

I always told my kids do they treat me disrespectfully or tantrum about stuff then i can’t give in to them. Even if I want to. Even if was our plan - as soon as they behave like that i am not able to move position as it will reinforce the idea that having a tantrum
works.

She threw a remote at you.

She’s lucky the only consequence is 45 minutes time out.

Best to learn now at 6 rather than throw something at someone in 20 years time and get a much longer sentence at HMP!

She's disregulated in the moment and you are expecting her to behave rationally to do what you say. That's an unreasonable expectation. My DD is a similar age and we get lots of negotiation and point blank refusal. It's hard to know what to do in the moment but I don't send her to her room or do punishment as a rule. Try to be calm. I threaten removal of pocket money as a last resort but I don't actually do it. In your case escalation won't help if she's really disregulated and if she's upset about 45 mins I wouldn't enforce it. 6 year olds can have a lot of issues with attitude and I think it's typically developmental rather than something they can control especially in the moment when they're upset.

I don’t think 45 minutes is too long at all. Especially not for a child who screams and throws the remote at you. 45 minutes is pretty lenient. In some households she would be sent to bed!

Six is just exiting infancy so yes, it is too long but I personally don't think banishment is morally correct. She's not a teenager, she's a very young child, 'attitude' is simply not a thing at that age.

Perhaps, forget TV after breakfast and take them out or teach them how to play with their toys properly.

'Sent to bed' at breakfast time? Where do you get your child rearing tips from - The Brothers Grimm?

At the point where she got physical and threw a remote I would have physically picked her up and put her in her room. How many times did she disobey for it to get to 45 mins (9 time of going up in 5 min increments)?... if so that's just far too long to be having the conversation with her and isn't effective.

Yes 45 minutes is too long but you shouldn't let it get that far.

It's hard not to feel guilty but she evidently needs a stronger hand than your son needed. No two kids are the same.

See it through because undermining yourself might have longer term problems.

Then work out what you would do differently next time.

Then have a good old heart-to-heart with your child about how neither of you want to repeat what happened. You can apologise if you feel that’s right (I would) because we as parents are fallible!

Then talk through what could be done differently and what the consequences should be. It can be collaborative and is more effective than coming down like a tonne of bricks.

Not unreasonable, she needs to know you are serious. Lying on her bed with a book isn't a horrible punishment but hopefully will encourage her to think.