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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really really angry and upset with my nanny?

52 replies

beforesunrise · 27/06/2008 18:13

nanny has been with us since sep 06, looking after dd1. she has been brilliant and has repeatedly said that looking after dd1 is a pleasure not a chore. dd1 has blossomed in her care. for my part, i think i have been quite good too, not only paying handsomely (incl tax and ni, and funding extra training), but being easy and not giving a hard time when she did things i disagreed with. just had dd2 and i let her know months ago i would be employing her full time till end of july and again from beg january, but only need and can afford part time sept-december. she seemed happy with this arrangement and asked me to help finding another family to do the extra hours, which i have gone out of my way to do.

today after much prodding and proofing she admitted she has started looking for a full time job from sept, she did give me some hazy motivations (around the fact that she doesnt want to work for someone for only a few months) but frankly I DON"T CARE, i am just so pi**ed off that she didn't think of telling me (thereby pot leaving me in a difficult situation) and had to wait till i asked her outright, and a bit hurt that she seems to think so little of us, of my dd who she claims to love and of her job here that it's not worth the temporary inconvenience of having to work for someone else for a few months.

i am really mad...

OP posts:

Chequers · 27/06/2008 18:17

Message withdrawn

callmeovercautious · 27/06/2008 18:18

If I told an employee at work that they would have to go PT but that they I would have them back FT in Jan I would be in an Employment Tribunal! Technically you are negotiating to vary her contract and she has every right to look for work elsewhere.

I do sympathise as a good Nanny must be hard to find, especially to replace one that has been with you for so long. Please just think about her for a minute - perhaps she can't afford the drop/does not want the inconvieniece.

So yes you are being a bit unreasonable - but understandable

OverMyDeadBody · 27/06/2008 18:19

I agree totally with callmeovercautious.

Also, she has a right to leave her job as l9ong as she gives notice and decide to work elsewhere, she doesn't owe you anything.

reethi96 · 27/06/2008 18:20

She has obviously taken everything into consideration and decided that she can't afford to work on a part time salary. She probably feels a bit embrassed about leaving it late to tell you which she why she has not been 100% honest with you.

OverMyDeadBody · 27/06/2008 18:20

so yes, YABU.

HonoriaGlossop · 27/06/2008 18:21

Trouble is as an employer you don't have the right to be told if someone is looking; they just have to give you the required notice period - so she has been very good actually to tell you that this is what she's planning. As Chequers said I certainly couldn't take part time money for four months so it would be better for me and many people I'd imagine to simply move jobs.

you sound as if you've been a good employer, yes; but that is what an employee should expect really.

i do see how it puts you in a difficult position but I really don't think you have any reason to be angry. Sorry - I know that's not what you want to hear.

Twiglett · 27/06/2008 18:22

I'm afraid I think callmeovercautious is spot on on this one

and of course she said "looking after dd1 is a pleasure not a chore" .. but that doesn't mean it isn't her job and she has the same rights as anyone else in work

waffletrees · 27/06/2008 18:23

She is an employee and can look for a new job if it takes her fancy. If I had an employer telling me they were going to make me part-time for 4 months I would have started looking for a new job ASAP. She has given you 2 months notice so she has been more than fair to you.

She may well love your DD, but that is not going to pay her bills.

lisad123 · 27/06/2008 18:24

She doesnt have to tell you that she is looking for work, just has to give right amount of notice.
Maybe she cant afford to live on PT wage for 4 months.
If you value her that much maybe she should have suggested a retainer or FT pay. Just because she is looking for new work doesnt mean she doesnt care about your little girl.
So yes YABU

Hecate · 27/06/2008 18:25

Money.

She's got to live!! Come on, be reasonable. She's not going to be feeling she's got job security, is she? You are asking her to go part time for a bit for financial reasons. BIG ALARM BELLS!!

She's got bills to pay and she'll be worried.

Original poster

beforesunrise · 27/06/2008 18:30

i understand all of this, but what really drives me insane is the fact that she has not told me the truth about her intentions, and i think that after two years i was hoping (on a human if not professional level) to be able to have an honest and open communication with her. obviously she has the right to leave and her motives are none of my business, but i think i ahve a right to be told the truth and not to find out like this. so that is what i am mad about.

i have spent a lot of time trying to help her find a temporary part time position to make sure she is not out of pocket during those months, and of course i know it is a pain to have to look for another job however i would have thought it was in her interest too to try and stay with us... but clearly i am wrong.

i also find the whole attitude quite hypocritical tbh, i never expected her to say that she loves looking after dd (i don't always, and it's my child!) so for her to say it repeatedly and then to let us all down is a bit rich i think...

OP posts:

lisad123 · 27/06/2008 18:31

your asking her to do 2 jobs for YOUR sake for 4 months. Takes the mick a bit IMO. Also how old is your DD? coming up for school age? Will you be going back to your job same hours?
Shes properly thinking her job isnt safe anymore.

HonoriaGlossop · 27/06/2008 18:32

but loving looking after your dd doesn't mean she will never leave!

And she hasn't 'let you down' she is an employee who is planning to leave and who has done you the unusual courtesy of letting you know at THIS stage, before she has even got to.

Blimey, if that's being let down then you are going to be let down alot in life...

2point4kids · 27/06/2008 18:33

if i was your nanny i'd keep quiet too, you sound a bit selfish from your posts and i wouldnt want to put my job at risk of a bad atmosphere

AbbeyA · 27/06/2008 18:34

I think that she should have told you earlier but I think that it is quite reasonable for her to look elsewhere. If it was me I wouldn't want to be told that I was having 5 months part time work and had to take on another family and then drop them in January!

Original poster

beforesunrise · 27/06/2008 18:34

should have metnioned that the reason i am asking her to go part time is that i am on mat leave, so it's not like i am financially unsound.

also completely agree she needs to live (perhaps op made me sound like a slave master!) but she AGREED with me that she would find another p-t position to complement this one for a short time. this is possible and feasible, and no more difficult than finding a full time job i think.

so again, to reiterate, it is the lack of communication and misleading info that annoys me...

but yes, on a purely professional/contract level she is perfectly within her rights so i am being unreasonable...

OP posts:

2point4kids · 27/06/2008 18:35

btw have you actually found her another job to bring her up to full time for the 4 months or did you just help her look and not come up with anything?

OverMyDeadBody · 27/06/2008 18:36

But to her, no matter how much she loves your DD, it's still just as job. Sounds like you are expecting her to put you and your DD ahead of supporting herself.

Also, you seem a bit demanding, expecting her to tell you, she has every right to look for other employment and only give you the required notice, and to put her interests ahead of yours.

2point4kids · 27/06/2008 18:37

because if you tried really hard and didnt find her anythinmg then it stands tp reason that she will be worried enough to go looking for a ft job elsewhere.
ft jobs are always easier to find than good pt ones, especially a temporary pt one!

Original poster

beforesunrise · 27/06/2008 18:38

i have found her several interviews, but i can't find her a job- she has to want it and the other person has to want her!

anyway- seems like the overwhelming verdict is that i am unreasonable .

perhaps my mistake was to think that a nanny relationship is not just purely a professional contract but there is something a bit more emotional about it...

(2point- i don't think i am selfish... food for thought though...)

OP posts:

Chequers · 27/06/2008 18:38

Message withdrawn

AbbeyA · 27/06/2008 18:39

Unless you have actually found her another partime job that dovetails exactly into the hours she is being asked to drop then I think she has no alternative except to look for full time work.

Wisteria · 27/06/2008 18:39

"not only paying handsomely (incl tax and ni, and funding extra training)"

Is this not a reasonable thing to expect from an employer? I don't think you are doing anything special there so I think you are completely out of order personally, sorry. She has admitted she is 'looking' for another job in September after you bullied it out of her possibly (that's what it sounds like from your op). Considering it's only June I think you're very lucky to know now - how much notice would you give your employer?

Good luck finding another Nanny tho'

Twiglett · 27/06/2008 18:40

honestly do you really think any nanny worth their salt doesn't constantly say how wonderful their charges are and how much they love their charges ... surely it's part of the job

I think YABU expecting her to 'have' to tell you what she's thinking

She owes you her notice, nothing more

She has told you now under questioning so you now have to either offer her full pay during the 4 months or find another way to incentivise her to stay

if you've loved her that much for 2 years I'm sure she'll find another job relatively easily

sorry but that's the nature of the game

HonoriaGlossop · 27/06/2008 18:40

she agreed at the time, but things change...i imagine it is alot easier to find a full time nannying post. If nothing part time has been actually really found, then she of course has to change things around and look for full time - she hasn't been misleading, just changing with the prevailing issues; misleading yes, if she'd found something, been for interview and accepted a new job while letting you search all that time; but that's not what's happened here at all.

I really think your expectations of her are unrealistic.

I can certainly understand that this is the last thing you need right now, but I think you're allowing that to colour your view of her.

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