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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really really angry and upset with my nanny?

52 replies

beforesunrise · 27/06/2008 18:13

nanny has been with us since sep 06, looking after dd1. she has been brilliant and has repeatedly said that looking after dd1 is a pleasure not a chore. dd1 has blossomed in her care. for my part, i think i have been quite good too, not only paying handsomely (incl tax and ni, and funding extra training), but being easy and not giving a hard time when she did things i disagreed with. just had dd2 and i let her know months ago i would be employing her full time till end of july and again from beg january, but only need and can afford part time sept-december. she seemed happy with this arrangement and asked me to help finding another family to do the extra hours, which i have gone out of my way to do.

today after much prodding and proofing she admitted she has started looking for a full time job from sept, she did give me some hazy motivations (around the fact that she doesnt want to work for someone for only a few months) but frankly I DON"T CARE, i am just so pi**ed off that she didn't think of telling me (thereby pot leaving me in a difficult situation) and had to wait till i asked her outright, and a bit hurt that she seems to think so little of us, of my dd who she claims to love and of her job here that it's not worth the temporary inconvenience of having to work for someone else for a few months.

i am really mad...

OP posts:

AbbeyA · 27/06/2008 18:40

It has to be a professional contract, emotional attachments won't pay her bills!

Blu · 27/06/2008 18:44

Between you, have you managed to find p/t job that fit exactly?
She may have been getting jittery because the time is looming and nothing is yet secured.

I think you are taking it a bit personally, really. However strongly she feels about your child has no bearing on how far she should accep a significant job sacrifice - and i'm not sure how it is that she has left you in the lucrg, exactly - since as you say, you will be on maternity leave, and if a new job can be foun for her in the time, then a new nanny can be found for you.

Understandable that you are sorry that she is leaving, upset that your plan of how it could work out to your advantag is not working out and would rather not have the hassle of re-recruitment. But try not to turn tha into something s personal about how she feels about your child- or tak it ou on your nanny.

Original poster

beforesunrise · 27/06/2008 18:44

i didnt bully her wisteria- although my op might be a bit aggressive, i agree. i am upset, as i said.

btw- i agree that fair pay with all the trimmings should be standard, but trust me it is not...

anyway it is very helpful to hear such an overwhelming agreement that i am unreasonable- helps me put things into perspective! so thanks

OP posts:

edam · 27/06/2008 18:45

Look, of course it's reasonable for you to change your childcare requirements, but it is unreasonable to insist your nanny falls into line and moan about her if she doesn't.

You forced this situation by deciding to downgrade her job. Effectively you've made her position redundant. So it's a bit rich for you to be complaining about her! And questioning her devotion to your dd is not fair, either - she may well be very fond of the girl but you have forced her to look for another job. Maybe she's very sad about having to leave but just can't do two part-time jobs temporarily to suit your convenience?

Sounds as if she was embarrassed to tell you, or perhaps you were so wrapped up in your own plans you failed to notice any non-verbal cues.

lilolilmanchester · 27/06/2008 18:45

I appreciate this is inconvenient for you, but sorry, YABVVVU. Nannies are real people, with real lives to live and real bills to pay. Not just there to make your life easier.

Wisteria · 27/06/2008 18:49

I understand why you're upset completely and this forum is good for things like this, where you need an objective viewpoint but I think it is worth remembering that in any other profession, being 'prodded and proofed' (not sure what proofed means tbh) about your future plans would not be viewed in a favourable light by an IT - if indeed acceptable at all.

At the end of the day iof your child has had good care and you have been happy overall with the service she has provided then it is a shame to let this affect the relationship you have - I feel sorry for her, we all need to earn a crust

Original poster

beforesunrise · 27/06/2008 18:50

ok - as i said thanks for making me see sense. i truly appreciate it!

but there is no need to paint me as a horrible selfish person who doesnt think "nannies are real people"!

OP posts:

Twiglett · 27/06/2008 18:51

good for you sunrise

maybe you should try to consider whether you could pay her a retainer so that any additional work she got as a part-time nanny meant her salary was increased .. maybe 50% of the savings you've made? In your sums you may wish to include the cost of recruiting new nanny?

of course that might be totally unfeasible

I wish you luck ..

Chequers · 27/06/2008 18:51

Message withdrawn

Wisteria · 27/06/2008 18:52

don't take it personally, you asked for opinions and you generally get the full gamut of them in this topic , your OP does come across like that but it's because you're upset, I'm sure we all would be x

Original poster

beforesunrise · 27/06/2008 18:55

wisteria thanks. i think i may have been a bit unfair and perhaps my op was a bit too aggressive.

i still think her attitude wasnt great (difficult to covey in a forum while typing one handed due to baby sleeping and watching charlie and lola) but i accept that my reaction is OTT

OP posts:

edam · 27/06/2008 18:56

hey sunrise, that's a very gracious response. Good luck finding a new part-time nanny.

lilolilmanchester · 27/06/2008 18:57

sorry sunrise, I honestly didn't mean to offend you. I don't think you're a horrible, selfish person - just someone who perhaps hasn't looked at it from your Nanny's perspective. That's the way you came across to me and sorry if I got it wrong. I see colleagues treating nannies/cleaners etc really badly and always feel for them as they are just doing their jobs. Hope you work it out...

shouldbeironing · 27/06/2008 19:01

Normally whilst on maternity leave for first 3 months or so you still get paid? Maybe not in your case. I paid my nanny whilst I was home on mat leave just so as I could keep her. She helped me out of course and we agreed she would take some of her holiday during that time. I guess if you really cant afford to keep her on you have done the best you can and she is entitled to look elsewhere.

CrushWithEyeliner · 27/06/2008 19:06

I am sorry but you sound like you are doing her a big favour from your posts. You are paying her and providing training, that is within the law so good.
But YOU changed the arrangement. I am stunned that you are ped off that someone who you changed from working full time to PT is looking elsewhere and maybe deliberated for a while to decide to do so. YABU.

nametaken · 27/06/2008 19:10

Why don't you pay her anyway and keep her on. If it was only from Sept to Dec that you wanted part-time hours is there no way at all that you could cut back spending on something else in order to keep her on.

I think I'd even sacrifice a family holiday one year for continuity and in order not to lose a brilliant nanny.

callmeovercautious · 27/06/2008 19:10

This is the problem with employing Nannies etc. You also build a personal relationship with them and it is that which hurts. Sit down and have an honest chat with her. Tell her how much she is valued but you really need to be the bigger person in this and let her know you will understand if she has to go. She must be going through a lot of sleepless nights as well.

cory · 27/06/2008 20:44

You have already graciously accepted the consensus so I don't think we need to dwell on that.

But on a personal level, would it be less hurtful to consider that maybe your nanny did agree at first in all faith because she didn't realise how difficult it would be to find a part time job? And now that the time is drawing closer the reality of the situation is hitting her- part time short term contracts are hard to find?

Surely this doesn't make her an underhand person? Just somebody who has come up against reality.

paros · 27/06/2008 20:53

But hold on a minute are you not on 90 % pay for being on maternity .

BetteNoire · 27/06/2008 20:58

Your behaviour has made it necessary for her to protect her income by looking for a position elsewhere.

It is a business relationship, therefore I think it is rather disingenuous of you to act all wounded when you effectively cut her pay in half, and expected her to stick around.

Did you consider her feelings when you did that?

tori32 · 27/06/2008 21:06

YABVU. Its her living! She may love your child but if she can't afford to live on part-time pay (and why should she when her contract is full time!) then of course she will leave.
If you want to keep her I suggest you do lots of grovelling and pay her full time pay.
How would you feel if your employer said sorry I can't afford to pay you full pay for 2mths when she is doing the hours. You are taking up her chance of decent pay and expecting her to faff on between 2 families, which if she had wanted to do, she would have done in the first place by advertising as part time
She is your nanny, you don't own her.

Original poster

beforesunrise · 27/06/2008 21:09

only for 6 weeks paros. i am keeping her until end july but my money is running out, the part time was my best option, but it is probably just too hard

bettenoir, it is funny that you say 'it is a business relationship' in one sentence and 'have you considered her feelings' in the next one. this is exactly the problem- i feel that a relationship with a nanny cnanot, and probably should not, be 100% business, clearly it is someone you trust so much you leave your children with them... it is hard to remember that it is just a job and you are just an employer, i know i don't feel towards her the same way i feel towards my colleagues at work, it is much closer than that.

cory- i think you are probably right.

after dds are in bed and a pizza i feel much better about it all. also thanks to mnet... anyway- off to bed now...

OP posts:

Marina · 27/06/2008 21:10

For six weeks only paros - then beforesunrise drops to 50% like the rest of us.
Hope you find a solution that suits you and your nanny, beforesunrise - good luck.

BetteNoire · 27/06/2008 21:27

"bettenoir, it is funny that you say 'it is a business relationship' in one sentence and 'have you considered her feelings' in the next one".

That was my point, really.

That you haven't considered her feelings in changing her working terms, yet you are "angry and upset" because you feel she hasn't considered your feelings.

You think she "seems to think so little of us, of my dd who she claims to love and of her job here that it's not worth the temporary inconvenience of having to work for someone else for a few months".

It's more than a "temporary inconvenience" - it's a total change to the terms that she agreed to when she originally started work for you.

You say you went out of your way to help her find another family to fill up the other hours - did you find anyone?

BetteNoire · 27/06/2008 21:30

sorry, just seen this " I have found her several interviews, but i can't find her a job- she has to want it and the other person has to want her!"

which answers the question in my previous post.

Can't you see how this puts your nanny in a very difficult position that is none of her making?

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