MIL normal behavior?

[VCO]

Here's another one about PIL, sorry... A bit long for context
Both physically capable but show 0 interest in doing any sort of activities with GD. MIL is the only one that shows up when we invite them to come around during half term or school holidays for some quality time with DD. She never calls to come around, suggesting anything with DD. Every school half term or school holidays is the same, if I don't get in touch she's quiet and eventually have a rant saying we forgot about her. Just happened last week. Every year I say the same, please get In touch too as I don't want to be the pushy one. They are so out of touch that sometimes I feel that she's not interested and it's convenient for her using the "invitation card" because truly she can't be bothered but the excuse suits her, leaving us with a heavy conscience. She texts DP all the time, why can't she just ask if DD has time over the week to see her?! She's the only one that comes in the evening if we are out, when we request her help. GF never shows up and he knows she's not a confident driver. However, there's always something basic that she can't cope with like not finding the dish washer to put the dinner stuff away or the washing up liquid to wash the dishes! I couldn't care less about the washing, but she rinsed and dried everything and left on the side to put back on original place. It was clean enough I guess? Btw washing up liquid Is under the sink as usual and the dishwasher next to it... She didn't have dinner either as the food we prepared for her, she let it burn in the oven and didn't know how to use the hob to cook something for herself. We would be happy to order take away there and then if she had told us. She's a nervous driver, never takes GD anywhere. Since she was born they go for the same walk ending up playing at home. We are having work done in the house ATM so not the best place to be. Both working parents so our hands are full and our head all over the place for the past month. I am not sure which kind of opinion I am looking for here but, when she mentioned last week the "invitation card " again, and how we didn't care about her we couldn't even bring ourselves to answer back. I am furious and guilty at the same time. Is this normal behavior?

YANBU to feel disappointed and wish things were different.... but YABU to keep expecting them to change when you know they are like this. Better just to accept it OP.

Take a step back and leave DH to organise things with his parents.

I couldn't be arsed with her drama, she sounds like a toddler.

You are expecting too much. Why should she have to do activities with your Dc? The stuff about the dishwasher is irrelevant, and so is the stuff about the oven. Have you shown her how to use them, or did you just assume? If she’s a nervous driver, good on her for not putting your child at risk. Playing at home with grandparents is completely normal. Why are you requesting her help? What for?

Well of course there’ll be something basic- she doesn’t live there so she won’t know your inner workings! I thought it sounded good of her, and most people end up doing the same things with kids- she’s not a qualified childminder! Look if you both work ft with a small child you’re both exhausted and have to admit she’s not going to be able to do everything the same you both would. Invite her more if you want her more, be there for her, even when people have no health issues other people’s kids are tiring(and I’m only 46!!) She’s raised hers already, give her some leeway but similarly tell her you’re very tired and life is hard x

No, that's not normal in my experience. My late MIL was quite different, very competent and capable of re-arranging the whole kitchen during my absence. But I had no qualms about having her babysit. I wouldn't want to leave a child in the care of someone as dithery as yours.

Yanbu she sounds like a pain in the arse! Like everything revolves around her. Just as someone else said let your DH sort it out. If she wants to see your children she should make the effort and ask to imo otherwise sounds like less hassle if she’s not involved anyway.

How often do you/your DH take your DD to visit her?

If you read it right, I am NOT expecting anything from her. She's the one expecting us to call her when she can't me arsed to show any interest. And yes, it's like giving her a tour every time she's alone in my house. Leaving post it's on how ever appliances work. We have other options for childcare, but every now and then we Invite her to come and spend time with DD.

We have normal family gatherings, lunches mostly at our house or theirs. A few during the month. That's not the issue here. Is more one to one time that she complains about but then doesn't move a feather for it to happen. Total lack of communication. My parents live abroad. We call them regularly. But if they want to see more of DD they will drop me a message and I will make time for a video call same day. Since when basic communication became such hard work?

Pass the responsibility for contact with MIL to DH.

Why don't you just get your DH (her son) to make the arrangements? And arrange to drop DD off at her grandparents' house for a few hours sometime? They can feed her and entertain her there, surely? No need to do so in your house!

I'm sorry lost interest part way through the rambling post.

@VCO your MIL sounds irritating but also highly anxious. If she genuinely likes spending time with your DD I’d probably bite my tongue and go along with her. Or, more likely tell DH to deal with it. It doesn’t sound as if FIL is very nice to her and a nice relationship with a GP is a great thing if they have a nice time together.

Id try and make sure everything was super easy to avoid stress around appliances etc.

Why bother to post?

But you are expecting things from her! Or at least, you think things should be done as you want. Just the first three things you mention! Can’t be bothered to go through the rest of it.

“But show 0 interest in doing any sort of activities with GD.” ( you expect her to do activities with GD)

“MIL is the only one that shows up when we invite them to come around” (you expect the FIL to show up too)

” She never calls to come around, suggesting anything with DD.” ( You expect her to call to come round)

I told my mum the other day “ You can ring me you know!!” When she moaned we hadn’t spoken in a week. She said “but I know you’re really busy and I don’t want to get in your way”
So I told her that the worst thing that could happen is that I couldn’t pick up…… Guess what…., she’s started ringing!!!!!
Put the responsibility squarely back on her.

Tell her you’re not a mind reader….. if she needs or wants something she’s can ask!

Sounds like she wants to be involved though, which is a good thing. Has there been any reason or criticism from either of you in the past that makes her feel nervous to ask? You need a good chat to clear the air. I bet your child doesn’t mind doing the same thing every time and probably enjoys the chill aspect of it, no pressure to get involved in loads of activities etc. time with grandparents is precious x

@UrbanFan "I'm sorry lost interest part way through the rambling post."

I read the whole post but can't make much sense out of it. The grandmother visits, but doesn't - but does! She washes up a few plates and doesn't know how to use the oven. She's a nervous driver and only therefore takes the DD where they can walk. I'm not really getting the problem here.

I know right! But yes, I've said so many times, that she should definitely call or even drop a message when she's nearby as I know she goes shopping close to us. I strongly believe she's just being difficult and in reality she wants to be left alone.

My MIL is totally convinced phones only work one way.
that is for calls, texts, WhatsApp messages, everything.
She has refused to believe they do work both ways, so we never hear from her. It’s great .
And I stopped even trying a good few years ago and my OH, her son, will finally cave and call about once in three months.

I agree. And by activities I never meant trips to Peppa pig world or water parks. But I offered to pay for cinema, or a lunch out just them two or with GF... But no. DD has to take a pack lunch on the rare occasions they are not around the house. They are very comfortable money wise, so going out for an ice cream even would be sweet. Nothing against having them playing in the house, but I work from home so it gets difficult. Suddenly I am downstairs making coffee and chatting. Regarding clearing the air, we spoke about this, we do still every year. Same complaint, same answer "please call me too wheneber you want" She says things then she pretends everything is fine and nothing was ever said. But we never had an argument really. Just this, when every holiday I have to repeat myself, please call too. As I never know if she's really keen or is just words to make her look good and me a neglecting DIL

I think you willjust have to go with the flow and try not get upset about it . You’ve tried to clear the air and it’s not really happening. Could it be your FIL making her feel she can’t ask to visit?

😂 sorry, this made me laugh. My DP already gave up, it's up to me. He thinks she's just too difficult and problematic. Her husband feels the same I believe, that's probably why when she shows up after being invited she shows up on her own. I guess not every family has the caring dedicated Grandparents we see in the movies.

Just invite her. She is clearly afraid to ask, bit annoying but she's maybe read too many threads about people complaining about pushy in-laws, and figures a working couple with kids are busier than she is.