AIBU to ask family members to leave for vaping in my house?

[NoSmokingNovaping]

I’m a non smoker / don’t vape. My house is strictly no smoking / vaping.

I don’t expect any guest to ever start doing either in my home and for those who I know smoke/vape I tell them that they are welcome to go outside away from the house.

AIBU to think that when a family member ignores my wishes and vapes TWICE in my home when I leave the room that I’m absolutely allowed to ask them to leave immediately?? It’s my home (I own it I purchased it before I met my now dh and yes we are married so if we divorced he could argue half was his but the reality is I don’t see it that way) he agrees with me anyway for context.

Id gone to the conservatory to grab something and then remembered I needed to ask dh something else so walked back and saw dsd1 vaping ?? I immediately said ‘stop that and get outside !’ And She threw the vape back in her bag instead.

About 30 mins later everyone else was in the garden I went back to run to the loo and saw both dsd1 and 2 vaping AGAIN in the house. I said to them that’s enough - go home now and held the door open for them. They left but immediately called dh - he came through and said no, you know the rules just go home (they are 14 and 16) he said as well he would be calling their mum as she needs to know they are still vaping (it has been an ongoing issue as dsd1 has asthma and they have been telling her to quit).

They are now saying they won’t come here anymore and that I’m unreasonable?

He did.
She said stop doing it. They ignored her. They did it again and she said please leave.
They went to Dad straight away and he said, no, you go home to your mum. And I am phoning her to let her know you have been vaping.
He did handle it.

That’s not parenting!! That’s sending them to someone else to deal with. Their dad should be providing them with a home, he isn’t. He should be dealing with behavioural problems himself. He isn’t. He handled nothing.

My house is strictly no smoking / vaping.

Very simple and straightforward rules.

They can either follow them or not. But breaking rules generally has consequences 🤷‍♀️.

How do you know he is not providing them with a home and paying in part for the home they live in with their mum ? You don’t. Don’t make assumptions.
And he did tell them what they did was unacceptable. They know their behaviour was wrong. They knew it was wrong when they started vaping the second time around.
If he had done and said nothing he would have not handled it.
Sorry, but he did. And told them off.

No, he sent them away. If you tell your child off twice do you then ask them to leave, throw them out, send them to someone else to deal with? They’re not adults to be thrown out when their behaviour isn’t great, they’re children. He did not handle it! He left the handling to someone else ie their mother.

If he lives with OP, so that the house isn’t his and he has no say in whether his own children will be thrown out, a place with their father in which they can call home then he isn’t providing them with a home - he’s offering somewhere they can visit occasionally.

I have bizarre allergies including to fragrance additives used to flavor food and cinnamates. We don’t allow anything in our home that could cause me to have a reaction.

If someone vaped in my home once they would be gone. It would be unforgivable.

it’s the equivalent of coming to a peanut allergy sufferer’s home and wiping peanut butter on the furniture.

People think vaping is benign, but it is not.

They don’t live with him. He sent them to their home. Quite possibly he cannot ‘keep’ them either. I would expect mum would have something to say if he tried !
He did deal with them and after telling them off said he would phone their mum to let her know what has happened. So she is aware of it. He has done the ticking off needed.
They are not tiny children. They are 14 and 16. And rude at that.
The house is as much the OP’s as it is his. They are married. He lives there.
If she dies he will inherit. If they divorce she will have to buy him out or sell the house to split the proceeds. It is his home. But no evidence either is about to occur.
They clearly live with mum. Which would not be unusual at all. It would be unusual if they didn’t.
And we do not know he is not providing money for his children’s home at all.
I think you can add things onto information told and then make 2 and 2 add up to 5.

No, I think mine and your priorities when it comes to parenting are entirely different. Thank god I have a husband that parents his child and who I know would fight til his death, in court, if necessary to actually care for his children, in the home he lives in.

Imagine thinking a man’s a dad when he packs them off to someone else!!

I think it’s unreasonable considering they are your DH’s children. If you had a biological child aged 14 who was vaping would you kick them out of the house? I’m not saying there shouldn’t be a consequence but a parent kicking a 14 year old out of their home for a minor misdemeanour like vaping is extreme, I imagine a huge proportion of teenagers have smoked or vaped in their home despite it not being allowed by their parents. I know I did. If you didn’t want your home to be their Dad’s home, where they should feel welcome, you shouldn’t have married him and moved him in with you.

All this language about kicking them out the house. As if they had no home to go to. They live with their mum. He told them to go home early.

People using the phrase kicking them out the house is usually reserved for when the child has nowhere else to live and the parent does show them the door.

Becoming personal is unnecessary. And unkind.
Insults devalue the points you make.

No, I just didn’t know vaping age as I’ve never been a smoker or considered vaping.

Now that I’ve googled it and see 18 is the age limit I think they both should have had them taken off them

I'm amazed that at 339 votes as many as 15% think you are being unreasonable! Ignore the lot of them. You couldn't be being more reasonable.

YANBU. Your house, your rules. But why aren’t their mum and dh addressing the vaping issue. It’s not even legal for them to buy vapes, so how are they getting hold of them?

There are 20 to 40 cigarettes in ONLY 1 vape. They are the next health crisis.

Couldn't care less about vaping but they are kids so yes, it is an issue for their parents to sort out (but good luck with that).

I voted YABU because the end result is the father is palming off his responsibility to discipline his children during his contact time onto the children’s mother. The children aren’t the OP’s responsibility but she is married to a man with DC and together they should have decided on a more responsible approach than simply throwing the kids out. What if we all did that when we had teenagers who were being a pain in the arse ?

This.

You are not being unreasonable. It’s very rude to vape in someone else’s house. NHS advice is that no one of 17 or younger should vape anyway.

Sounds like they have two ineffective parents and one effective step parent. If all 3 did this they wouldn't vape indoors but would also not opt to live on a park bench. Stick to your guns. They can flounce all they like but will probably flounce right back as soon as mum grows a backbone.

I say this as a vaper - you are absolutely in the right here. I would never dream of vaping in someone else’s house. If I feel the urge, I pop outside. Your house, your rules, and anybody with an ounce of common sense wouldn’t think of doing it in the first place.

Your house, your rules. Glad your DH backed you up.

Agree

send them back to mother to sort them out! Your husband sounds useless

I would have done exactly the same. I hate that sickly sweet smell from vapes. Even if I'm sitting in a field watching foster sons play cricket that sickly smell drifts across and I move immediately.

Hmm, why are you here then Tom? Don't seem to like its users. 🤔