"This could be outing"

[TalkToTheHand123]

Is it me or are people not seriously paranoid? There are millions of people in the country so people getting jittery believing they could be outed over personal statements seems a bit daft.

She is clearly living in Kensington Palace and it’s a scrap with the relatives

I wrote about a mundane event that probably happens several times a week across the uk and the person involved saw it, recognised it and messaged me.

But people do advanced searches and combined with other threads it could be outing.
As a one off post mentioning cycling or golf , I agree.

It isn't about the nature of the piece of information it's about having two or more data points. If someone knows you they already have a large database of information about you in their head and so even two separate bits of data might be enough. But once it gets to three the odds of being recognised by someone who knows you are apparently 60-80% rising to 90% for four or five bits of data. So if you know one of the millions of Mumsnet users on here they are likely to recognise you through too much data in one post or by cross referencing.

I think it's I'm the centre of the universe syndrome.
Having said that, though, if a person thinks somebody posts here they probably can do an advanced search in topics that are quite niche to that person and confirm who that person is.

But you'd have to know who you are looking for and things about them beforehand.

I can't be bothered to do this.

I like the spirit of anonymity.

I can’t keep up with the details of my own life on here.

sometimes I have 2 boys, sometimes 3 girls.

sometimes a dog lover sometimes a cat person.

sometimes it’s my granny that died other times my auntie.

change user name loads and details too.

never post the really revealing stuff but keep it general as you can still offer support and advice even if the truth is it is your brother who has psoriasis when you write about your uncle having it

It's an understandable concern when participating in on line forums. It's smart to want to try to maintain privacy. The statement is a socialy polite way of saying "although I'm posting this to discuss that, I can't provide all the relevant details".

It does happen. I was recognised before on another account. I was extremely distressed about a rather niché family situation and I was so desperate to get it off my chest and get support that through caution to the wind and posted it on Mumsnet going into great detail.

Someone replied and they knew extra details about the situation which I hadn't disclosed in my post so it was definitely someone I know. I then had an acquaintance I hadn't heard from for ages coincidentally send me a "How are you and X (referring to a family member involved in the situation)?" message on Facebook a few hours later.

I've never said "this could be outing". But my marriage ended for a relatively uncommon reason. I've been through quite a specific career change. And if you knew where I was going on holiday then putting those three bits of information together would be enough to identify me.

So, because I'm.not a nurse whose ex had an affair and likes to holiday in Mallorca, I name change a lot. Even when I comment on the occasional Relationships posts about people in the situation that ended my marriage, I tend to be quite careful what I say because I think people who know me might recognise me from a couple of extra details about how I coped financially and managed childcare after divorce.

I live in a very middle class area and reckon that most other mums I've come across are on here, whether posting or lurking.

Recently had a conversation with a school mum while waiting to pick my DC. Im sure they were hinting it was me I just didnt react when she was saying things. She never mentioned it since

My ex H outed himself when we were married as someone who used to read MN to try and work out what was going on in my life and my head (rather than ask me).

He basically told me he’d read quite a long thread about something quite personal to me and my MH.

He wasn’t remotely sorry about it and seemed to think it was quite normal that he’d gone on to MN to see if I was posting on there.

He knew I used MN a lot (at the time) I didn’t have a set username so I guess he used to keep an eye on the main board to see if I posted on there. Which I did.

He couldn’t get his head around why. I found if so creepy. I left him three years ago and wouldn’t be surprised if he still does it.

I’ve recognised someone a few times based on their family situation and things they’ve told me. I’ve never told them and clicked out of thread as soon as I’ve realised it’s them. I figure if they wanted me know what they were posting about they would have told me themselves. Pretty sure they’ve recognised me.

Also don’t forget there was a run of threads being picked up by newspapers on slow news days so that the story would end up in the daily mail or whatever, giving it much greater reach.

It's the ones where the OP can't possibly tell us which city or country they are in because it's "too outing" despite being one of millions of people that are the posts i find ridiculous.

I’ve recognised a couple of people on here over the years so I think it’s sensible to hold back some information.

Nope. I have ended up in the Daily Mail twice. First time I was newish to MN so didn’t know it would go viral so didn’t name change. Meant that those who knew about the incident I had posted about saw it on the DM and were able to find all my other posts as they knew my username.

Second time I had name changed so apart from the embarrassment of people who knew about it seeing it online, no real harm was done, apart from DH wanting to know why I sought the advice of strangers rather than him which was uncomfortable.

I now name change every month or so as standard and very rarely start my own threads.

ETA that for a while, I would change details about my family to avoid it being outing (eg change a son to a girl, change the age or number of children I have), and MN picked up on that and thought I was a troll! They reluctantly accepted my explanation but after that, I just comment, not start threads, even when there are times I really need advice on something.

I posed a picture of my cat once and within one day teo people messaged me to say they knew who I was 🤣

Obviously that’s different as it was a visual image but the knowledge I had outed myself and the two people had probably gone all through my previous posts to be nosey made me feel sick.

I am now so, so careful about what I post and I always change any details that are personal to me…. I.e where I live, my children’s ages, how long I’ve been married for, what my job is etc. If I’m writing about my sister I change it to having a brother (which I don’t), and I throw in random comments that would also be impossible for it to be me… for example I don’t drive, so I would make a comment in my post that makes reference to me having driven somewhere etc.

Sometimes I might make reference to suffering from a minor ailment that I don’t have (an allergy for example, or maybe limping sing due to recently breaking my toe) 🤣🤣

I keep the problem/question true to what my actual problem is, but I always change little feature and add in little unnecessary bits and bits in a way that means if someone who actually knew me read it, it would have absolutely have no idea it was me.

Indeed. Some people on here have a very recognisable posting styles so even when they name change you can tell its them (not you btw!)

Things like the sorts of phrases, exclamation marks, vocabulary.

If i am relating something I'll often change key details

Depends on what. There was a thread the other day about parking and loads of people demanded parking thread tax, most saying that nobody here will be able to work out what road OP lives on based on a diagram. Whilst that might be true I suspect she was more worried about said neighbour working out she’s talking about them.

I name change, change a couple of details mainly because I don’t want people ‘outing’ my username by piecing things together, or my mum friends who I know use MN suspecting I’m the one that’s posted. MN is one of those things people don’t like admitting they use regularly aside from browsing.

No because there is a small minority who think its 'funny' to out people as it makes them feel smart.

Nobody I know has ever heard of Mumset, let alone uses it.

To be fair, it's a public board, so anything posted here is fair game really. It's available to everyone in the world. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my husband coming into 'my space' really, but I wouldn't post anything I wouldn't want him, or my children in future, to see.

It depends what it is. Usually it’s not so much “my random friends might recognise me” and more that the people directly involved in the scenario would. I’ve wanted to ask advice about things before but known that the other person involved would 100% certainly recognise the situation because the important details were so specific.

Also, people can see your post history. So it’s not that the scenario in one post is completely outing, but it could be combined with past posts casually mentioning your general location, job, family set up or even just another anecdote you’ve shared etc.

I’ve been spotted on Mumsnet before.

I am much more guarded now than I used to be.

Some people take it to ridiculous extremes, ie disguising the fact that they husband is into cycling which is absurd as about 50% of the Mumsnet husbands cycle.

But I would always name change if posting about a recognisable situation. Just not worth the fallout.

Somebody on MN once posted what I'd consider a very, very specific experience - about working at a hotel where a famous slapstick comedian did his trademark fall down a flight of stairs for her after learning she was a big fan of his work. This had happened to a close friend of mine.

I actually sent the poster a message asking, "If this happened at the XYZ Hotel in Town E, is that you, [RL First Name]? If so, don't worry - this is just [My First Name] from [Hobby Group]."

To our mutual astonishment, the poster wasn't my friend and the experience had occurred in an entirely different hotel in another part of the country. We had a chuckle over it and concluded the comedian in question was a very obliging man who liked to entertain his fans!