My husband became my boss professionally, and I don't know how to feel about it

[pohju]

My husband and I both work professionally, but in completely different fields. Recently, our companies started collaborating on a major project, and yesterday I found out that my husband is actually leading it.

It's a big project, and financially it's going to be very good for our family. I'm genuinely happy about that, and I'm proud of him. But at the same time, it means that for the next 4–5 months, I'm going to be working under him.

Our roles are also very different. I'll be working longer hours and handling a lot of the day to day work, while he'll mainly be involved in decision l l making, important meetings and meetings with clients. So even though we'll technically be working on the same project, he'll have authority over the work I'm doing.

And honestly, I'm finding that a little difficult to process.

I know my husband. I know he's not going to intentionally disrespect me or treat me badly. But I also know that when he's in a professional role, he can be very direct and demanding. There will probably be times when he has to tell me to change something, redo something, work longer, or do something differently.

Hearing those things from my husband is probably going to affect me differently than hearing them from another manager.

I love him very much and I have no problem with his success. This isn't about being threatened by him or thinking he shouldn't be my boss. It's more about the strange feeling of having the person I come home to every night suddenly having professional authority over me.

I think there's a small part of my ego that feels uncomfortable with it, even though I know that's probably something I need to separate from the actual situation.

It would be unprofessional to treat you differently than anyone else but he shouldn’t be a dick about it - is he direct and demanding in a professional high standards kind of way or a demeaning kind of way?

Also are your companies aware you are both on the project together with your husband having authority over your work? It may be a conflict of interests and something to declare depending on your organisations policies

I think you're both going to have to raise this as a conflict of interest with your respective employers and they may decide to move one of you to another project, or they may decide to have you report in to someone else, or have someone else lead the project. You do need to flag it up though formally even if some are aware informally.

Hm. I'm surprised that your company is okay with this, although I suppose if the same company does not employ you both, there isn't the usual foresight.

Could you ask to be moved to a different project, or is this the only project that fits you right now?

Yes this conflict of interests needs to be declared and mitigated appropriately, ideally via different line management arrangements.

change project. you must know this

Most organisations Ive worked for wouldn’t be ok with this. Pretty much for all the reasons you've listed. The dynamic can mess everyone around.

Is this actually allowed? We can't be a direct report for a husband/wife in our organization.

I used to work "for" my husband before we were married as a direct report in another organization (the relationship was fully disclosed) and it could be awkward occasionally, but we had put our heads together beforehand to plan what would be our areas of responsibility, how we would take decisions, who would get the say on what, so we had relatively independent areas to work on, so it would OK.

More of a problem was bringing office talk home, we really had to clamp down on that.

I do think it's better to have these conversations beforehand though.

I work for a large company that has dozens of marriages between staff. This wouldn't be allowed here. Somebody would have to change role, either temporarily or permanently. I'm also aware of similar situations to you, where some of our staff report internationally to another body, and the same thing happens. Someone has to step aside for the duration of the collaboration. If neither of you has raised it with your own management, you need to.

Its a potential liability for both employers, do they know you are married to each other? Id be looking for a move to another project if at all possible, or a different management chain. There will be particular issues if he has any input to your pay and bonuses, perceptions of unfair treatment from others in the team and how would he handle criticism of you from others?
I briefly worked with DH and it was nearly marriage ending. Waking up grumpy at something the boss said, and hes sleeping beside you is a killer.

Is this AI? Very interesting writing style.

Anyway, in case it isn't, was your husband aware that he would be your boss? What's he said about it?

I can’t see your companies being ok with it. I’d both raise it. I suspect you’ll be moved off project.
I’ve worked with husband for a short period both same level and it’s not easy. I very much kept my distance in office (to extent a new hire shared gossip we were having an affair on basis she’d seen us arriving in same car - someone did put her straight, I use a different surname at work)

This is a clear conflict of interest. No company should allow this.

Put on something sexy and seduce him at the office xxx

My husband and I are in very similar situations. When we met we both worked for the same (massive)umbrella company but in different companies.

He then left and went to work for a company that we work with exclusively - think I'm a developer and he runs our local planning office. Thats just an analogy thats not actually true!

It means I indirectly answer to him. Its been weird and it took some time to get the hang of but we worked out a good rhythm. Never talk about home at work and never talk about work at home.

And he might be the boss at work but home is my domain 😂

Yes both of our employers were given all the necessary notice, they came to the wedding

Why would he be asking you to work longer as your boss??

As the more senior role, your husband should raise that it is a conflict of interests.

I love my other half but there is no way I would want to work with him and live with him😂

That’s hilarious. I bet she felt a right prat.

I suspect so - there's even an em—dash.

Surely your DH should have raised this from the outset of the project planning?

This can’t be a real scenario. No firm I’ve ever worked for would permit this. The conflict of interest is clear. If your management hasn’t already spotted the issue you both need to raise it immediately.

I think you need to declare a conflict of interest so that one of you gets moved
to another project.
relatives where I work wouldn't be allowed to work together like that for all
kinds of reasons.

Yes this. Wouldn’t be allowed at my employer. Just as well because I would HATE it!

Entirely understandable and a nightmare in practice. I am my husband's boss every day.

I treat him like any other member of staff, he treats me like his wife. If I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do, he tells me and bitches and whinges. Or he'll tell me the client is being completely unreasonable and we shouldn't do x, we should do y. Basically most interactions are difficult and unprofessional and it's not me, though I appreciate how hard it must be for him.

So now I get my business partner to make requests I know will go down like a bag of sick, and he just gets on with them.

Don't assume it's your husband's professional manner that will be the problem - make sure your responses are professional too. Good luck.

4-5 months I could just about cope, any longer or the new norm, no way! Just make sure any bossy behaviour doesn't happen at home and he knows when to switch off!

I came to say too - seems very AI