AIBU to think my friend needs to stop telling me how I should feel about this man?
The background to this happened years ago, but it is still causing arguments now.
I don't like my friend Claire's close friend Mark.
I had known Mark socially for nearly 20 years (this is now 30). We'd slept together a couple of times when we were about 20, but it was purely casual. We both went on to have serious relationships with other people and would still chat whenever we happened to meet on nights out.
In my 30s I moved to another part of the country which Mark passed through every so often. He started messaging when he was going to be nearby and we'd meet alone for coffee, go for a walk, get something to eat etc.
Nothing romantic was happening but this went on for a few years and I got to know him much better. I really looked forward to seeing him. We both had other romantic lives going on during this period.
Eventually we were both single.
One day he contacted me and asked me to set aside some time because he wanted to talk to me properly.
He took me for dinner and launched into this huge romantic declaration. He brought up things I'd said and done over the previous few years, said he had five things he looked for in a woman and I'd smashed all five and more, that he'd realised he'd fallen hard for me, that he'd spent ages thinking about the risks and implications and had finally decided, after talking to a mutual friend, that he had to tell me because his feelings weren't going anywhere.
It was extremely intense and romantic, utterly unexpected.
We talked for hours, got completely caught up in it and ended up in bed. Under normal circumstances that would have been far too fast for me but we'd known each other for years and had this existing friendship and yes a short sexual history, so it felt right.
Then the next day was very weird.
He stayed for a few hours, then left awkwardly. No kiss goodbye. I heard absolutely nothing from him, messaged him once then left it.
I thought, brilliant. What a tosser. I certainly read him wrong. We're pushing 40 here, I'm really not interested in someone making a massive declaration of fake feelings and then disappearing without a conversation.
My friend Claire was abroad while this happened. I didn't tell her about it.
When she came back, she said to me one evening, completely out of the blue, "Oh! I saw Mark yesterday. You didn't tell me you'd had a sneaky shag with him. He was worried because he hadn't called you afterwards and said he'd realised he wasn't in a place for a relationship, but I told him not to worry because you'd be cool about it."
She said it in a very jokey "haha, you've been up to mischief" way.
I said actually, no, I wasn't particularly cool about it and I wished she hadn't spoken for me. I also hadn't told her because I regarded it as private and between Mark and me.
I said I thought he'd behaved like a dickhead.
She became really argumentative. Mark was apparently a great guy, I was being uptight, it had only been casual sex and I was making a drama out of it because I was "obsessed with finding a husband".
I told her to leave it because I was getting upset and didn't want to discuss my sex life with her.
I also really resented the fact that Mark had discussed it with her rather than just speaking to me himself.
Anyway, Mark and Claire have since become very close friends.
And this is where the current problem is.
At least a couple of times a year Claire invites me to do something with the two of them. I always decline.
I don't make scenes if Mark is at a bigger social event. I've seen him plenty of times over the years. I'm friendly, say hello, make brief small talk and then move on and speak to somebody else.
I simply don't want to spend a rare night out sitting having drinks with him.
Every single time this comes up Claire gets offended. She'll say I'm insulting her friend. I'll say, "I'm not asking you not to be friends with him. I don't like him because of how he treated me."
She then demands to know exactly what happened between us and why I still dislike him.
I've never given her the full blow-by-blow account above because frankly I don't think I should have to submit evidence for why I don't want to socialise with someone.
Over the years she has also made pointed comments like "not every casual hookup is a potential husband" and "sometimes a ride is just a ride".
Which irritates me enormously because, whatever anyone thinks of Mark's behaviour, he very specifically did NOT present that night to me as a casual hookup.
So the present day problem -
Last weekend Claire and I had lunch in the city. Afterwards she suggested going for a drink. I said I'd come for a very quick sodt one because I had to drive home.
Then it transpired as we were walking to the bar she was going to meet Mark.
I said no thanks, I'd head home.
She completely lost her temper with me.
We ended up parting on really bad terms and I was wiping away tears walking back to my car.
Mark and I are both married to other people now, by the way. There is absolutely no lingering romance or hope of reconciliation here.
I just don't like him.
I think he behaved badly towards me, never addressed it with me himself, and I'm perfectly happy being civil when our paths cross while not actively choosing to socialise with him.
AIBU to maintain that boundary without giving Claire the entire intimate history to justify it? We haven't even exchanged texts since last weekend.