AIBU to think neurodivergence across families should not be surprising?

[alkwjeoin]

I realise this might be a controversial opinion, and I say this as a neurodivergent mum of a neurodivergent child.

One thing I often notice on MN is threads where mums of ND children are frustrated by their husbands' behaviours—behaviours that sound very similar to those they describe in their children. It seems to come up again and again.
I'm not suggesting that neurodivergent people shouldn't have children—far from it. But if one or both parents are neurodivergent, there's a reasonable chance their children will be too, and that inevitably shapes family life.

What surprises me is how often this seems to come as a shock. People describe their partner's ND traits as a major source of stress while also discussing their child's diagnosis, without seeming to connect the two. Equally, there can be an expectation that becoming a parent will somehow change or lessen a partner's neurodivergent behaviours, when of course it doesn't. In fact, parenting and the associated stresses usually increases them.

As awareness and diagnosis of neurodiversity increase, I wonder whether we also need to become better at recognising that neurodivergence often runs through the whole family—and thinking about what that means,especially in terms of kids etc.

YANBU

There are so many MNetters complaining about the neurodivergency of the neurodivergent men they chose to marry.

Unless they married them very quickly after meeting them, I don't know why they couldn't work out how frustrating it's likely to be.

It is possible and in some cases even likely that neurodivergence is hereditary, both my brother and I have learning difficulties and my brother has aspergers. As i grew up and learned more about my problems i noticed similar traits in my Dad, I think he was nuerodivergent but in his school days these things weren't identified and he was never diagnosed. We also have a hereditary physical disabity from my Dad which can affect the brain so there is some debate between doctors about whether my brother really is autistic or is it do with the other issue.

I don’t disagree with you on the whole but I do think actually having kids is what can make parents realise that they themselves may be ND, it’s not something that they were really even aware of pre-kids. Until having children one of my best friends had never even suspected she was ND but quite quickly realised it once she had her first child and really struggled to cope with the sensory overload of constant touch & noise, the lack of routine or ever evolving routine around a tiny human, quick to overwhelm. Pre-babies I suppose she had almost subconsciously built her life to suit her, as we all do, and it wasn’t until her child was here that it became more apparent.

And so many people are diagnosed late in life as are their kids. My DD17 was diagnosed with autism at 14 and ADHD at 15. I was diagnosed with ADHD last year at 59. DD is an only child so I had no siblings to compare with and ND does not run in my family at all. I was classed as gifted in primary school and my mum says I walked and talked proper sentences really early but none of DD’s teachers ever flagged up anything that would have made me consider ND.

I think people are getting more educated about it now. It never occurred to me that my DSs meltdowns and echolia and insomnia as a baby and toddler were related to DHs urge to move around a lot and constantly going in and out of rooms forgetting things. I now know he has ashd and ds has autism. Even after DSs diagnosis I didn't connect the two, that was 15 years ago. The word neurodivergent wasn't heard of. DH wasn't diagnosed until he sought a diagnosis in his 40s, following from DSs adhd diagnosis about 9 years after his autism diagnosis. It was only when helping DS and reading up on it that DH had an inkling they were connected. Both have issues that manifest in very different ways, neither would have a profound version of their ND or appear disabled by it. It is more like a set of disconnected quirks. Maybe if DS was born today we would have realised sooner but it really did feel like comparing oranges with apples.

I dont mean a literal label - more that if you are in a relationship with an ND adult - firstly how do you not know that or rather you must be aware of their personality; secondly - yes, chances are your kids will also be ND and so how are more people not considering what it means to have ND kids, or even how many one can handle. Disclaimer - I chose to brake up with my former partner because he was also ND and I decided for myself that this would be too much for me and him to have kids together; I also chose to stop at one child in part because parenting an ND child is damn hard, especially as this child will always have at least one if not both parents who are also ND.

People are obviously totally able to make their own choices - I just dont get the surprise or apparently total lack of preparedness or consideration of any of this. But also total lack of consideration that if you happen to have three ND kids - then chances are one or both of you are also ND. And yes that will be damn hard and no - you dont stop being ND just because you become a parent - in fact it becomes even harder. And yes it's great that you can probably see why/how your kids struggle but it doesnt stop you from getting overwhelmed, struggling with the chaos and the noise of it all or be able to manage the mess or the scheduling of it all if that is something you have always found difficult.

You have hit the nail on the head. I have two ND sons. Only through the diagnosis process did I realise that I’m possibly ND myself and so is my husband. When I met him we bonded over common interests which I now know are probably hyperfixations 😆.

It also makes me think of the many threads on MN where a mum says, "My partner does X, Y and Z, and it's so hard because I'm also looking after a couple of ND children." My immediate thought is often: if your children are neurodivergent and your partner displays many of the same traits, then clearly your partner is neurodivergent too.

That doesn't make the situation any easier—it can be incredibly difficult, and I certainly wouldn't choose it. But if that's the family dynamic, then it seems inevitable that the same understanding and accommodations you make for your children may also need to extend to your partner.

Perhaps what surprises me is not the situation itself, but how often people seem genuinely shocked by it.

My husband is autistic. So is DS12, and DS8 had ADHD.
It’s not surprising to me that my husband functions in a similar way to our oldest, nor is it a shock that they both have very similar thought patterns and behaviours.
On the other hand, I am trying very hard to get DH to see/understand the mental load. Today for example we are home from holiday, we still have another day off tomorrow, and the children have gone to visit grandparents. I wrote into our family diary that today would be for washing/recovering from the plane journey yesterday and unpacking all suitcases. My DH saw it, mentioned it to me and then went upstairs. I’ve so far done about 12 loads of laundry (thankfully it’s really dry outside) but there’s no one around to help fold/sort it into the correct bedrooms. So far I’ve not seen him since 11am.
Things like that really make me stressy because I use his system (the family diary) and I try to write in it all the time so he has a visual clue, I put reminders on Alexa and his phone and he still ignores them/doesn’t see them. I get so angry, but that is part of his ND, he physically cannot do something he finds “boring”.

I know a family across 3 generations where all the men appear ND. I only noticed when the Grandma (my friend) was saying how much easier her daughter's family of well behaved little girls and a calm NT husband are compared to the muddles and challenges of her son, his wife and their two ND diagnosed little boys.
Having said the there are so many ND people (including my own DC) I think we should just extend the range of "typical". Perhaps it's society/education/work that's the wrong fit, not the people.

Interestingly, my autistic son says that Autism is simply the next evolutionary step and he is clearly more evolved than NT people because he sees things that others just don’t.

Me and my husband had no idea that either of us were neurodivergent before having our daughter and we had been together for 12/13years! After she was born it seemed to make our neurodivergence traits more obvious and everything went to shit in our marriage (turns out he’d been masking all those years and my traits had significantly amplified through the constant demand and sensory overload of looking after a tiny human) I’m a single parent now but things are getting better, albeit slowly

Maybe it's different because despite having never had a label - it was sort of always understood in our family - that a few of us were clearly a bit different, not in a bad way, just different. In turn, I feel like I can spot another ND person within a mile - and I love being friends with ND people. It's just that I am aware of the traits and realistically it does have certain implications. Those traits don't just disappear the minute a kid is born, they are amplified. A partner who needs everything to be on the dot, clean and tidy or who has limited emotional bandwidth, or someone who cant handle mess or last change of plans, or who cant do tasks that are routine and boring etc, or someone who is disorganised or another who does a million things at once while finishing none - that stays. And as the other parent - it means you are very likely to be juggling an ND child plus the ND adult who all have their own quirks.

Yes, DH’s nan was always a bit skeptical about autism (or ‘labelling’ children as she liked to say) and our DS’s diagnosis and would often say things like ‘But DH name used to flap his hands all the time like that/had delayed speech/repeat the same phrases over and over/had very random obsessions and fixations etc etc when he was little and he’s absolutely fine!’ as evidence DS didn’t need a diagnosis 😅

From what I have read -
Studies have shown that certain genetic variations are more common in individuals who are neurodivergent. For example, research has identified specific genes that are associated with an increased risk of autism spectrum disorders. These findings suggest that there may be underlying genetic factors that contribute to the development of neurodivergence.

While the exact causes of neurodivergence are still being studied, there is evidence to suggest a genetic component. Research has shown that certain genetic variations and mutations can increase the likelihood of developing neurodivergent traits.
Studies have identified specific genes that are associated with neurodivergence. For example, mutations in the SHANK3 gene have been linked to autism spectrum disorders, while variations in the DRD4 gene have been associated with ADHD.

However, it is important to note that genetics alone do not determine neurodivergence. Environmental factors and interactions between genes and the environment also play a role in shaping brain development and neurodivergent traits.

@bloblob I thin thats a harder issue or whether a label is needed. We are currently debating this when it comes to Ds - is a label worth it, would those same individuals without a label have done better with one - what difference does a label make. i am torn on this subject. Obviously what it doesnt change are the behaviours and traits - those are there regardless of the label.

The premise of this thread presumes a) that we know our dcs are ND, thus being able to make a link with our partners and that b) we are not ND.

Turns out dd is AuDHD, diagnosed at 17. I had already realised dh probably is a few years ago, well after having dd. And then I realised I am probably ND as well.

Tell me how I was supposed to know all of that. I’d never heard of ND until well into adulthood.

I had a boyfriend 30 years ago whose sister had autism and learning difficulties. In addition his mother’s sister had a son with autism. I thought it must be in genes and decided not to have kids with him. The relationship ended because I moved abroad

As I said upthread, perhaps I'm in the minority, but I was aware of Asperger's when I was growing up, and I'm now in my 40s. At school, people talked about the "boy genius" stereotype, hyperactive boys were often assumed to have ADHD, and the link between neurodivergence in girls and anorexia was already being discussed when I was a teenager. So maybe my experience is unusual.
Even putting labels aside, though, if your child turns out to be neurodivergent, surely one of the first questions to ask is whether one or both parents might be too. Realistically, I've yet to meet a neurodivergent child where I haven't thought that at least one parent would probably have been described in the past as "a bit different."

I'm not saying everyone needs a diagnosis or a label. But people generally know what their partner is like before they have children. If your partner struggles with organisation, constantly jumps between ideas, can't sit still, needs rigid routines, or finds change extremely difficult, those traits aren't suddenly going to disappear once children arrive. And if those traits are part of neurodivergence, there's a reasonable chance your children may inherit them too.

None of this is a criticism of neurodivergent people. I'm neurodivergent, my child is neurodivergent, and so are my parents as were my grandparents on both sides. My point is simply that it often seems to come as a surprise when neurodivergence runs through an entire family, when in reality that's exactly what we'd expect.

I’m pretty sure both myself and my DH are ND, it runs in both our families and is probably why we get on so well as a couple, we tolerate traits in each other that would probably drive someone else up the wall.
Our poor, now adult, DS is not, but at least he’s used to us. A while back in conversation I jokingly said to him ‘…well, it’s not like I’m normal.’
His completely serious and deadpan reply was ‘No, you’re definitely not normal.’

My XH, the father of my children, is autistic. I had no idea about this when I married him and had children with him. Back then (late 1980s) an academically bright and slightly eccentric adult was just taken at face value and looking back I absolutely understand what I saw in him. That he might be autistic didn't even occur to me until over a decade later, by which time our two oldest children had been diagnosed as having what was called Asperger syndrome back then and I started reading around the subject including the handful of books by and about autistic adults who were married and had children. The man I divorced bore no resemblance to the cheerful, energetic, unconventional man I had married 15 years earlier.

My second husband isn't neurodivergent, but before meeting him I had two brief relationships with men who have subsequently been diagnosed as being autistic, and one of my sisters is married to a man who is autistic and, like my XH, showed little evidence when they got together, so I wonder if we're following some sort of family script.

Ha, I could have written that!

This must happen to so many. I agree. I recognise aspects of this in my own life.

Genetic doesnt always mean inherited
My son has 16p13.11 microdeletion syndrome
This is thought to be the underlying cause of his autism and learning disabillities
Whilst it can be inherited from a parent
Its De novo in him.

In our case having the label opened doors to support. Up to that point it was clear to school we were just bad parents who couldn't/wouldn't get our younger child in to school (at that point our eldest regularly got attendance awards but it was obviously a parenting issue)