AIBU to feel hurt after being left out of family gathering again

[AIBUfamilydrama]

I can’t sleep. I posted a few months ago about being the only one left out of a family get together and it’s happened again tonight. They all got together to watch the eclipse, and nothing was said to me about it. I only found out because I had a suspicion and when I asked my Mum directly she confirmed it.

Apparently my Mum invited herself to my siblings house and the other sibling “just showed up”. They’re not the type to just randomly show up so there must have been some kind of informal plan and I only live a few minutes away so a quick text “oh hey Mum and sibling are coming to watch the eclipse if you want to come too” and I could have gone over.

I’m so hurt and embarrassed and I don’t know what to do now. it’s clear what they think of me. They all knew how hurt I was when this happened last time and we all had a big massive talk to try and sort things out and I thought they had been.

It hurts most because my daughter is 2 and they’re okay with leaving her out. Shes too young to really know yet but she won’t be soon, I feel like I need to protect her from that, I grew up knowing I was the odd one out in the family and I don’t want that for her. She was singing a song literally this morning about how much she loved her Aunt and cousins, I feel so sad for her.

Should I say something to them, should I just fade out completely, should I brush it under the carpet and just pretend it never happened and carry on as “normal”. I don’t want to lose them, I love them to bits, they’re my two favourite people in the world (after DH and DC) but obviously the feeling is not mutual and I feel like such an idiot.

I’m so sorry OP I remember your last thread. My family exclude me too, it’s heartbreaking .my adult DC no longer sees any of them after years of this hellish behaviour from all of them. So DC has missed out and i have missed out, we’ve never done anything to anyone. It’s just the two of us now and my DP and a couple of calls with one parent each week.

Organize something with your friends and if there's any family member that don't leave you out and then afterwards make sure the ones that leave you out know about it

Two favourite people - do you mean your mum and one of the sisters (and her children)?

I think for your own mental health, and your child for when she’s older, you need to disengage and look elsewhere for support and good times. You don’t get it with them, even if it superficially seems okay you must be looking over your shoulder all the time, wondering when it’ll happen again.

You deserve a lot better, and you can find this, but not with them. I’d just fade them out, don’t reply or if you do, leave gaps before replying etc.

Lots of people don’t have sisters, cousins etc, and they have great fulfilling lives, you can have that too.

I Empathise. It’s so hard but you need to give same level energy back. Don’t engage more than you need to.

They have shown who they are to you and you need to really see them.
Disengage and focus on those that care for you. That’s where you should direct your energy and love.

I’m sorry you’ve gone through this too. I’m constantly racking my brain, what have I done wrong, why am I just wrong, it makes me hate myself, there’s something wrong with me, etc. I’m just so tired of it all and wish I could stop caring but how do you do that when it’s your siblings

it makes me hate myself, there’s something wrong with me, etc.

This is why you would be better off disengaging. You shouldn’t feel like this, and it is these people making you feel like this, you’ve done nothing wrong.

You don’t. I love all of my family with all of my heart. I just want them all to be healthy and happy and having great lives. But I hate how they have treated me and cannot forgive them.

And I have to put myself first and protect myself. I have very bad days, this has been quite a few years now, where I don’t want to carry on if there’s anything else. There’s always something else needless to say even though I’m NC will all of my siblings I’m LC with my parents so I’m forced to be told stuff I don’t want to know about.

But I do carry on and I try to enjoy life. i have to focus on my mini world which is my home, my rescue pets, my adult DC who is the only blood relative I currently see (heartbreaking just to type that as the worst bit for me with that sentence is the only person DC has is me so if something happened to me DC would be alone) and time with my DP when they aren’t at working away. It’s a very small world and not what I would have ever chosen but the best I can have with what’s available to me.

oh and I had to have therapy. I had a massive nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with some awful mental health illnesses. The symptoms like panic attacks are terrible.

I remind myself daily it’s not me and the last time you tried to see some nephews the parents refused to open the door to you. You left and collapsed….no one deserves to be made that ill.

hugs OP put yourself and DC first you don’t want to end up where I’ve been.

It’s not you. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. You need distance to protect yourself.

It[s nothing that you have done. t[s their decision. Find your own circle of friends and just ignore them. It[s their loss.
I moved out of the UK to Switzerland years ago and have built my very happy life here. You can do the same without moving. As ppl say, just drop the rope!
All best wishes.

Sorry Op, my mum does this to me as well. We have family come over once or twice a year from Australia, or birthday dinners for grandparents. Myself and my sister are never told about it, we find out from fb pictures or like last year, they went to the pub a 1 min walk from my house and we walked by on our dog walk to see about 20 members of my family sat enjoying a pub dinner!!
I've given up being bothered by it now its gone on for that long, and I think that's the best way to try and be for your own sake. The only thing that bothers me is I hope my aunts/uncles/cousins don't think I'm not there because I'm rude and can't be bothered with family.

How awful. Did anyone see you..?

I doubt you've done anything wrong, not anything that would deserve exclusion. You sound very thoughtful and you're a very caring mum.

What was said at the last family meeting when you discussed it? What did you say to them, and did they offer any reasons for you being excluded before? Did they seem genuinely concerned that you were hurt? What was agreed?

This is a heartbreaking situation for you, if one of my siblings, or children, felt like you do i'd be really upset and going out of my way to make it up to them.

I've only said YABU because you know what they're like and think it'll change. It's very hurtful and I get it but the best thing you can do is detach

It really sucks.
You deserve better
Focus on building your own life with friends and your dhs family.

I also said YABU simply because you alredy know what they are like, its not going to get any better. Are you close to your siblings generally?

Its often the case when there are 3 that 2 of them are closer. Are the other 2 closer in age or got kids the same age?

Have you spoken with them @AIBUfamilydrama ?

“I grew up knowing I was the odd one out in the family”. In what sense? How were you the odd one out? I haven’t seen your previous post so I don’t know the background.
But if the same thing happened before and they knew you were upset but did the same again, there’s a reason for this. Why do you think you are excluded?

We had a big talk after the last time and it became apparent that there had been lots of misunderstandings where they thought we did X and we hadn’t, me and DH helped my Mum to sort out some things in her home for example but they didn’t want my Mum to do it and I think we became sort of the messenger who got shot, I think my Mum tries to tell each of us what we want to hear sometimes and we all brushed things we were hurt about under the carpet.

I thought we had completely cleared the air and straightened everything out though, and this was only in April, we all promised to communicate better with each other so I’m baffled as to what has gone wrong between then and now.

OP, I genuinely don't understand why you want to spend time with people who upset you. Just concentrate on the friends and family that you have good relationships with. Lots of siblings don't get on or see each other, it's perfectly normal, so there's no reason for you to treat them as something special.

Basically one sibling was quite clearly my Mums favourite, the other my Dads. I was made to be quite independent from an early age whereas my siblings weren’t, i would argue with my parents a lot as a teen and my siblings didn’t, etc. i got on better with my parents once I moved out though and we lost my Dad a while ago and me and my Mum got much closer then, we spend a fair bit of time together now.

I would have to say something. I would text and say that something like - I’m really disappointed that dd and I were left out of family gatherings once again especially after the recent discussions about the impact this related behaviour has on us. I need to protect myself and dd from being hurt again and so will be stepping back with contact from now on.

You’re not alone. I’ve had this and felt terribly sad for my children. I’ve gone low contact and tried to make as many friends as possible to create a chosen family. With time, things have softened a little with my sister. I’ve kept my side of the street clean, stills sending birthday cards etc. I was so very upset about it at one time but that has eased over the years. Hugs to you. FWIW, my children don’t know any different so don’t miss what they have never had .

No excuse but is your toddler Full On ?. Are any other family dc older and less dependant?

Because I love them, because like I said in a previous post they’re two of my favourite people. I miss them when I don’t see them.

I don’t have a massive circle of friends, just a couple of really good ones but I do a couple of hobby groups I have acquaintances at which I enjoy.

I have a lovely life, I’m very happy and I’m lucky in so many ways but it really breaks my heart this situation with them and I know what I should do but I desperately wish I didn’t have to.

@AIBUfamilydrama i can hear your pain in your posts. It's really hurtful being rejected and excluded by anyone especially family.