AIBU to feel hurt after being left out of family gathering again

[AIBUfamilydrama]

I can’t sleep. I posted a few months ago about being the only one left out of a family get together and it’s happened again tonight. They all got together to watch the eclipse, and nothing was said to me about it. I only found out because I had a suspicion and when I asked my Mum directly she confirmed it.

Apparently my Mum invited herself to my siblings house and the other sibling “just showed up”. They’re not the type to just randomly show up so there must have been some kind of informal plan and I only live a few minutes away so a quick text “oh hey Mum and sibling are coming to watch the eclipse if you want to come too” and I could have gone over.

I’m so hurt and embarrassed and I don’t know what to do now. it’s clear what they think of me. They all knew how hurt I was when this happened last time and we all had a big massive talk to try and sort things out and I thought they had been.

It hurts most because my daughter is 2 and they’re okay with leaving her out. Shes too young to really know yet but she won’t be soon, I feel like I need to protect her from that, I grew up knowing I was the odd one out in the family and I don’t want that for her. She was singing a song literally this morning about how much she loved her Aunt and cousins, I feel so sad for her.

Should I say something to them, should I just fade out completely, should I brush it under the carpet and just pretend it never happened and carry on as “normal”. I don’t want to lose them, I love them to bits, they’re my two favourite people in the world (after DH and DC) but obviously the feeling is not mutual and I feel like such an idiot.

It doesn’t add up though op. They cannot be your favourite people because of how they exclude you. Either you are in denial about something but how do you describe them as being your favourite people and they do this repeatedly?

it also seems like your mum is quite manipulative here. She happened to just invite herself over on the one night the other sibling popped by? She was also the common denominator in the last issue. And she has a favourite child? Sounds like she is very much part of it.

For whatever reason, at at whoever's instigation ( your mum's, or one of your sisters) this is the pattern. They get together, they don't tell you, exclude you.

You noticed it, you remonstrated with them, they made excuses and led you to believe it wouldn't happen again.

And then carried on as normal.

For your own sanity, please accept that they exclude you - IT IS WHAT THEY DO - and stop expecting them to include you. They won't.

Cherish your relationship with your DH and DC, and protect your DC by letting your relationship with your miserable siblings fade - you're doing her no favours by exposing her to their rejection. See your mum on your own.

I'm sorry, sometimes families suck.

I just mean; when we do spend time together, I enjoy their company. One of my sisters I would have said was like a best friend to me, I would have said I feel like they both truly know me and understood me, we all talk every day (although only by text), I value their advice, if I was having a bad day or a problem they would always talk it through, and I would try and do the same for them.

Does it happen when your mum is not involved? Sometimes it’s the parent children dynamics that causes it all.

I would just distance myself, if they ask why say you didn’t include me again so I’m getting on with my life as best as I can.

This doesn't sound anything like what you have described in your OP and other posts though.

If you have a 'best friend', or any reasonable normal relationship with a sister, then you would say
"Oi, why didn't you invite me?"
and
"How come you've all completely ignored what we all talked about in April?"

Earlier in the thread I was agreeing with most - for whatever reason they don't want you there, so, accept it, mourn the relationship you wish you had, and make a friendship group elsewhere, but that doesn't fit at all with the way you have described the relationship in this post.

OP this is tough. I do think you need to start building a friendship network so you don’t feel this left out. Be the one to host (not your family!) invite over friends, parents of other dcs at your child’s preschool etc. build memories and events for your dd so she doesn’t notice family aren’t there.

Then couldn’t it be just what they said?

Last year. Relatives visiting from abroad as they do every year. Family has form for this, but it was last year that I had enough.

Me, parents, siblings all live within a few mins walk of one another.
Firstly, parent went to pick abroad relatives up from the airport. I rang to say hello when they were on their way back from the airport, and parent said they'd give me a ring as soon as visitors had unpacked so we could all have a cup of tea etc together.

Eventually I started thinking it was getting a bit later than I expected it to take for unpacking etc so I rang (on video call).
All the rest of the family were there. All having a chat, slices of cake and cups of tea in hand. I had just been overlooked. I later spoke to parent who said 'Oh well you know, we all just started chatting and you know how it is...'

"but you only have two daughters. Did you not notice that one was missing? Think it okay to contact one but not the other?"

I did say I would go over at that point but was told visitors needed to go to bed as were jet-lagged. The shenanigans had clearly been occurring for some time.

On that same fortnight-long visit, I invited parent and visitors over for tea and cakes on their way back from a day out which I was unable to attend. I had also baked them a focaccia (their favourite). They accepted, turned up, sat on my sofa for less than 5 minutes, refused a cup of tea and said they had to go.

Same visit, I walked my dog and called in at parent's house. Siblings also there. All nicely dressed and all apologised after about ten minutes saying they were about to go out as had a table booked for lunch. They offered for me to come, but I had already eaten lunch and was in scruffy clothes from walking the dog. I declined but this has stuck, they'd obviously arranged it without me.Parent's excuse this time was 'thought you'd be at work' but I had clearly said I had taken the week off for the visit, and had mentioned it to sibling the night before as part of another conversation.
They knew.

And I called them out on this too. Later on that trip we were all in the car on the way back from somewhere and they started talking about going for lunch the following day.

'Am I invited this time?'

Silence.

Aunt broke the silence 'Oooh silence!'

Someone else 'You were invited weren't you?!'
'No, I didn't know anything about it'

'We put it in the group chat I am sure!'

'No, I didn't know anything about it'.
I was quite proud of myself for not staying silent on that one.

I could give hundreds of examples from previous years. I once was running a few minutes behind to go on a minibreak with them all as I had come straight from work and they'd travelled together, but I am talking 5-10 minutes to park, not hours! When I arrived they'd all gone out to eat without me. I ate dinner alone in the hotel restaurant.

OP, how I have dealt with it is thus-THIS year, NONE of this is happening. We are all going on a mini-break together which I will partake in, but no other effort is coming from me. I am taking back control, and so should you. They can all kiss my arse. Being ostracised is awful and unless you are an absolute See You Next Tuesday who has done awful things to one's family (which I am sure you are not and nor am I) it is not acceptable.

I have just moved house to a much nicer, larger one and have a feeling relatives from abroad will want to come over and see it and have a look round. Not happening! I am busy that day/washing my hair that night.*

Any family meals, I will not be going, invited or otherwise. I have not booked time off work other than the trip, which I do want to go on as it is to a nice place.They often exclude me in things when we're away, and I always get the worst room despite paying the same as them, but fine. I can do with that. My AL is precious and is for me, not for me to take off for them to then receive this treatment.

Other than that, I will now only spend time with those who appreciate me, and if that has to be narrowed down to my dog, then so be it.

*I am half feeling that as I am the most skint one in the family(they're all wealthy) have never been married/had children and only lived in a small house last year, that snobbery may play a part in their dismission of me.

as Well OP, it’s harder when it’s not just you that’s being slighted, but your dcs. It’s much easier to cope with someone being rude to you than your child.

Fill your child’s life, be the hostess, the one who throws a Halloween party for the preschool friends, or random bbqs and invites their parents over etc. build your network and let your child see other adults.

Perhaps you can slowly fade away because they don’t want you. I’m sorry I know it hurts, been there, got the whole outfit, they are rude selfish people and why should you beg them to invite you. They don’t deserve you or your dd. Please don’t subject her to it.

Sorry to hear other posters' painful experiences. I have similar, always felt like either a scape goat or black sheep in my family. When I say not one of them's got my back or how hurt I've felt by the way they act, I'm sure it looks like I am the problem. From my perspective, I have tried but so many times they've just dismissed me, patronized and disrespected, blamed me and taken other family member's side. For what reasons I dont know, probably because my feelings are unimportant and they favour other people. It's awful really, and definitely a pattern.
A lot of it I've tried to let slide, but when I've said something... yeah, you guessed it I am the problem, or it's just swept under.
How I deal with them now? LC to NC, luckily I dont live near any of them. I didn't wamt to be creating drama (and feed a narrative), so I've just faded massively.
I dont care about blood family anymore, i treat them as I would any other person coming into my life. Some are a good fit, others not and that's ok.

Sorry OP. They are cruel and hurtful. I would arrange get-togethers with friends and family who love being around you. Dont waste anymore head space on your mum and siblings. They are unkind.

The same things happened to me and again recently but I managed to let it go over my head but then something happens and I think wtaf. My DM will go out of her way to not include me which is strange in its self. I have always hosted get-togethers, Christmas around mine. I love seeing my nephews and neices plus my dc's get on well with their cousins.
I cooked a father's day meal and had family over. Thought it was really nice but then a couple of weeks later it was my DM birthday and she had a party. We wasnt invited. I only phoned to see how they were and my DF told me about the gathering. Then my dm came on the phone and said, sorry you couldn't make it, we missed you. I should of left it but said, how could I have come along when I didnt know. She told my siblings I was busy. I am not surprised as she does did sort of thing all the time. For a second I could feel myself feeling hurt but gave my head a wobble, and carried on. I just think for her to act like this she is unhappy. Your not alone and keep smiling. Remember you are loved by your dc and dh.

I wouldn't be slowly fading or excuse this any longer.
I'd send a message to each of them individually, stating that you and your DC have once again been purposely left out of a family gathering. If they cannot explain why this keeps happening then to protect you and your DC's mental health you are taking a step back from the relationship and to only be contacted in an emergency.

I would make a point of not sending it in a group chat, as then one of them can respond to you without the others knowing.

I remember your earlier thread and thought that heartbreaking enough but the fact it’s still happening is just callous and cruel.
Your mum as matriarch of the family needs to sort this out once and for all - the fact that she hasn’t already says a lot about her.
In your shoes I would distance myself from them and nurture other relationships - your family sound the pits!!

Could they be leaving you out of family get togethers because they don't like your partner and if they invite you then your partner would go along too?

My daughters auntie is like this, just focuses on one niece and little time with my two. I've realised it's control games and I've decided I'm not going to be brought down by it. It's her problem not mine. I'm sad for my daughter's birthday actually she's just a very selfish person and as soon as they realise their is a difference then we won't holiday with them anymore. So he's the problem not my wonderful girls. So your family is the problem not you.

So very odd. What does she say when you point out that she couldn't have known if you're busy or not since she hasn't even asked you?
And what about the rest of the family, anyone you could talk to about this?

@MoodyMargaret11 she just brushes over it and makes out i am at fault. My dm has always been like this with me and I use to take it to heart. Since having my own dc's I thought i just cant give her anymore head space as it will take away the enjoyment of me watching my dc's grow up.
My siblings and df don't say anything, they know but I think because my dm helps out my siblings with childcare, they don't want to rock the boat. I dont really want them to as it will cause issues and I just want a quiet life.
I make sure I am the best mum to my dc's and I will never make them feel like my dm has made me feel.