AIBU am i over reacting tell me please

[Waytoohothot]

I need to know if im over reacting as im upset but had a horrible year with very ill parent so im emotional, so a friend of mine ive known 4 years and see a lot shes a fun friend, she likes entertaining and cooking in the garden for people, she invited me round for dinner and there were 4 of her other friends she has known 20 years, it was a good night, we were talking about each hosting a dinner and taking it in turns, anyway get home and i get added to their dinner wattsapp group by my friend,.

So fast forward 2 weeks and im removed by someone else in the group and get a notification saying removed!! My friend messages and says someone in the group just wants to keep it as them and not to be offended! Well i am bloody offended and very upset but im also aware im upset because of my ill parent, i feel completely rejected and pushed out, we did all have a lovely evening, im seriously upset with my friend but dont want to lose the friendship , am i over reacting?

Was this the first time you’d met her friends?

It isn't your friends fault IMO, she has tried to bring you into her friendship group and there has been resistance. Whatever way it was dealt with would have been hurtful to you, you would have realised a slow fade was happening. Your friend may have had words about they way it was dealt with, with the person that removed you. It has put her in a shitty position, I think losing your friendship over it, is being unreasonable on your part.

It's made things really awkward though. I'm not saying it's a case of breaking off the friendship but for me personally it would make me see it a bit differently. Like if I had friend A whose other friends also seemed to like me and friend B whose other friends didn't I'd hedge my bets on friend A.

Whilst its not your friend fault this person removed you from the group,it is her fault that she didnt say thats not on ....
As for saying "dont be offended" ask her how she would feel if she had been removed by one of the group.

But most of us have more than one friend! It’s not an either/or situation!

That’s ridiculous. No one person can compel her friendship group of 20 years to accept a new member after a single meeting!

It's not but I think most of us have friends who are more or less of a priority. That's not wrong but I think it's better to be aware of that and be aware of any friendships that may have a real imbalance. In the OPs situation I would expect her friend to prioritise her group friends over her so it's best that the OP has other friends that are more of a priority.

Personally I would rather not be invited into the group in the first place than invited in then booted back out, but I do think that it was a mistake of your friend's to invite you to join the WA group in the first place. Your friend should really have discussed it with her friends first, as a courtesy to them. They probably feel the same as the other PPs who feel that their online group of long standing friends is a safe and cosy place where they can vent or remind each other of shared history. It's a very different thing spending a random single evening together than joining a close chat group like that.

I don't think you should take it personally (although you will because you're already feeling emotional), it's just one of those things. Seen from the perspective of the other friends in the group, they've known each other a long time and all gel together really well. It's a rare soul who can join and blend seamlessly after all that time, and even rarer to be equally so to all the parties already in the group. Don't take it to heart.

I didnt say "compel her friendship group" to "accept a new member"
I said her friend of 20 yrs who invited her should have spoken up when 1 member removed her .
Honestly playground bullying at its finest! She cant play with us vibes!
Mean girls....

Agree with the WhatsApp, there could easily have been a separate one for planning the dinners and another close friend's one. This was poorly handled.

I dont think its your friends fault you were removed. But I do think its just cruel to say - its not personal when it is.

I think its reasonable to ask her does she agree and decide if you want to continue this friendship

There’s no way I’d allow my friend to be excluded from my group of friends like that, so I understand why you’re upset with your friend vs the person that removed you.

My friendship group years ago tried to exclude a new person, the best friend of one of us, and a few people had to be told to grow up and get over it. There’s no way we would’ve accepted them removing her or ignoring her.

I think your friend overstepped by adding you to the group. With a long standing group like that you just don't do that unless everyone is in agreement as it totally changes the dynamic. She can keep inviting you to things that involve the others but you don't get to be their immediate best friend becuase you've met them once. Maybe say that you valued meeting everyone and would like to get to konw them better and perhaps you could have a different group with you in, so they can have their personal one too?

Exactly, i wont lose the friendship but i am going to back away for a while

So you’d tell your friends “you have no choice! You must accept this person as a new bestie! You have no say!” ?