AIBU am i over reacting tell me please

[Waytoohothot]

I need to know if im over reacting as im upset but had a horrible year with very ill parent so im emotional, so a friend of mine ive known 4 years and see a lot shes a fun friend, she likes entertaining and cooking in the garden for people, she invited me round for dinner and there were 4 of her other friends she has known 20 years, it was a good night, we were talking about each hosting a dinner and taking it in turns, anyway get home and i get added to their dinner wattsapp group by my friend,.

So fast forward 2 weeks and im removed by someone else in the group and get a notification saying removed!! My friend messages and says someone in the group just wants to keep it as them and not to be offended! Well i am bloody offended and very upset but im also aware im upset because of my ill parent, i feel completely rejected and pushed out, we did all have a lovely evening, im seriously upset with my friend but dont want to lose the friendship , am i over reacting?

Why are you so mad at your friend, it isn’t her fault? I’d be offended too, but the person who removed you doesn’t even really know you and they’ve been friends for a very long time. Stupid to loose your actual friendship over it

Not nice to be dumped from a group, but I think you should look at the bigger picture - your friend tried to include you and obviously really values you as a friend; her friendship group weren’t ready for the dynamic to change. It’s not nice but it’s not a terrible thing. I think you should forgive your friend and try not to be too disappointed - after all you’ve only really known these people for one night x

It wasn't your friends fault but the group as a whole. Twenty years is a very long time for a friendship group.

It wasn't your friend's fault, it was the other person in the group.

Try not to be angry at your friend. She wanted to include you but it wasn’t entirely her decision to make. She tried to do a nice thing but really she should have made sure everyone else in the group was ok with it first.

I expect it’s not personal and the person who wanted to stick with the original group probably has their own reasons why they don’t feel able to welcome someone new. They aren’t wrong for feeling the way they do, it’s just that you joining in isn’t compatible with where they are at right now.

It wasn't your friend's fault, she didn't remove you
How long have you known her? Leave them to it and meet up separately with her

I would be upset too and it was rude to just remove you from the group. It’s not unreasonable for them to want to keep it just them but there are ways to go about it - they would have been better just making a new group and letting the one you’re in fizzle out. Making you feel excluded and without even an explanation is just unnecessary.

Incredibly upsetting, but if it were me I wouldn't be upset with my friend as its not her fault. Once I'd calmed down I'd realise that I probably couldn't be doing with cooking a meal for a group of people on a regular basis anyway.

It could be a chemistry thing, sometimes people just don't gel.
Your friend has tried to include you, not everyone enjoyed that, so it is going back to the original (20 yr friends) group, and a you and her thing separate.
Can be hurtful to be rejected, but not a reason to be mad at your friend who was trying to be inclusive.

Ouch! I can see why that stings, @Waytoohothot but it's not your friend's fault.

I would put money on it being an awkward situation all round and whoever removed you being the one ballsy enough to take the step. I'm sure she advocated for you but a twenty-year friendship is a hard thing to break into.

It doesn't mean your friend doesn't love you. It doesn't even mean that the others don't like you! She might have been a bit trigger happy including you but unless everyone was on board, it wasn't really her place.

I'm a 'the more the merrier' type when it comes to including people but not everyone is. As weird as it sounds, I'd agree with her that it's not personal, even though it obviously feels like it is.

I have a similar dinner WhatsApp group with a group of friends. One of the members added another couple into the group. I didn't mind personally but another group member didn't want to add these people. They weren't rude enough to remove the new recruits but the next time dates were thrown out they just didn't agree to anything and the whole thing died a death and we haven't got together as a full group for almost 2 years now.
I'd have been mortified at the time of removing them from the group, but given that keeping them in and saying nothing destroyed the whole thing, maybe it was the better option.

Obviously very hard not to take personally but it's just dynamics people want to protect.

It sucks OP but they've been a close group for 20 years so have all those years of shared experiences.

A new person would change the group dynamic.

It doesn't mean they didn't like you, just a "closed shop" - never any new members.

Try not to take it to heart.

Ouch, that would really hurt. I admire the balls of the person who removed you, I have to say - I could never do that, though if I'm honest I would probably want to in the same situation.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but as PP say, try to swallow your hurt as far as your innocent friend is concerned. 😊

Ah, that's hurtful. I can see why you are upset.

But as others have said, your friend was trying to do a nice thing for you, but she probably shouldn't have added you to their WhatsApp thread without checking with the others first.

I have a couple of long standing friends and we have a WhatsApp group just for us three and it's a safe space to say whatever. We trust each other not to repeat personal stuff. I wouldn't be happy if one of them added one of their friends. It would totally change the dynamic and I would think twice about using it apart from anything bland.

Don't blame your friend.

I am sorry you are having a hard time at the moment 💐

You're upset about other things OP, so it's hitting you hard, but don't fall out with your old friend who invited you for a nice dinner with another friendship group. They enjoyed meeting you but some of them want to keep their group small and familiar. It's nothing personal.

Yes i completely agree thats what i would have done

I also think its a shes my friend not yours which is why i just feel like walking away(i wont) but we are not young and its stupid and pointless

Personally I think its childish. Its like when kids at school say you can't play with us. She's my friend not yours. They are meant to be adults. Regardless weather they have been friends for 20 years or not. I doubt very much they would like to be singled out. To be honest though your better of out of the what's app group. They are just drama.

Maybe have a friendship with your friend outstde of the group? It saves you feeling more hurt.

You’re massively overreacting! Your hosting friend overstepped by adding someone the rest of the group met once to a longstanding social setup of 20 years. Someone else said they preferred the status quo.

It’s not remotely childish to prefer to keep a friendship group of 20 years as it is. These people had met the OP once. Far to soon to decide she was henceforth added to future plans.

Try not to be sad - it was very harsh but better for them to rip the bandage off than slowly make you feel unwanted. I mean, obviously never socialize with those bitches ever again, but keep your friend. Remember this wasn't about you, it's just a friendship group that's closed to new members.

This, have had the same, new colleague of 1 friend tagged along to group dinner, friends since p1… was then added to group chat, totally changed dynamics, and felt couldn’t talk about shared history, anything really personal as that excluded new person, pretty rubbish really

I think your friend adding you to a 20year old friend group is rude. They might also be going through difficult things and don't want to share with someone new.

Don't lose your friend because of this, that is cutting your nose to spite your face.

It's one of them where you can't really blame the original friend as it wasn't her that did this but I think it would make me feel a bit more distant from her knowing that I'd never be accepted into her wider friendship circle.

It's a bit of a personality thing, I know that some only really do one to one friendship while others prefer being part of a group. I imagine that will dictate how you feel about this friend going forwards.

I think that’s an overreaction — no one’s saying the OP will ‘never be accepted’, only that after a single meeting is too soon.

Also, it would be completely self-defeating to withdraw from the original friendship because of something that is completely out of the friend’s control. She shouldn’t have overstepped by adding the OP in the first place, obviously, but she was probably pleased everyone seemed to get along and got overly gung-ho.