Accidentally pregnant with 3rd child, don’t know what to do

[unexpected5]

Hello

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant and have no idea how far along I am due to being on the pill back to back for 3 months. I’m guessing the pill failed when I stupidly took 2 lots of antibiotics for a tooth infection and completely forgot that it can make the pill less effective.

I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, they currently share a bedroom. We are in a 2 bed new build so luckily pretty spacious but we do not have room for a 3rd.

We run our own business. DH is out 5-6 days a week 12 hour days, DD is in pre school 3 days a week 9-3 and 1 year old will be going after Easter next year 3 days a week also.

Financially right now, we can afford an abroad holiday once a year, we can afford food and heating and we always do a day out like the zoo or similar for kids birthdays without it being an issue financially BUT having a third would change being able to take them abroad. I realise what a privilege this is seeing as the poverty in this country is rising and I feel very fortunate to be able to pay for food and heating let alone a holiday.

We would have to move house, we’d have to buy a bigger car, we would have to say goodbye to holidays and I just feel so sad about this situation that we are in.

The two children we have are miracles, I had recurrent unexplained miscarriages in double figures heading towards 20 losses now we feel extremely blessed to have 2 healthy, beautiful children and the life and family I have.

What on earth do I do? I don’t know if I can go through with an abortion, I think I’d think about it a lot, I’d wonder if they’d be like their siblings, I’d feel a lot of guilt (this is me personally and I am completely pro choice by the way).

I also don’t know if realistically I can cope with the mental load of 3 kids, the age gap is hard enough as it is.

If you were ever in this situation, what did you do? Do you regret whatever choice you made?

Have you spoke to your partner about this? I'd say first thing you need to do is make an appointment to see exactly how far along you are then decide what to do.

We have 3, and I'd have more if time had been on our side.

However, the world is geared to a family 2 adults 2 children in a way you don't quite realise until you have more than 2. Family tickets, seating in restaurants and attractions, hotel rooms, even daft stuff like larger meal deals. From age 2 they all need adult plane tickets. You'll need a bigger house and a bigger car.

Will you survive with 3? Yes, you kind of have too, if you decide to have them. However, surviving is no fun. Not for you, not for them.

If you can comfortably afford 3, I would really recommend it. If you can't, then prioritise the 2 you already have, and give them the best life and opportunities, that they would likely miss if resources had to be stretched over 3.

I’ve not been in this situation so can’t say for sure what I would do (although I feel I would have a termination but obviously our situations are not the same)

Right now the embryo is a few cells, if you choose an abortion it’s not ending a life it preventing the cells from growing.

It feels impossible now but Whatever you decide will be the right choice . Have you told your partner?

I was in this position and I now have 16 year old ds 3 who is wonderful. My dds were the same age as yours are now. It was hard but it worked out.

OP, if you have had so many miscarriages, how do you know this one will “stick”? You could just wait and see what happens - and you will manage once it’s here.

What do you want to do? That's all that matters. You have a home, you have an income, so what do you want?

How is a 2 bed spacious? And where will you put the 3rd child…in the cupboard?

It won't be the antibiotics unless you had severe vomiting or diarrhoea. Thats one of the biggest myths going so I wouldn't be so certain on your dates yet

What a stupid response. Try reading the OP again, she said she'd move house.

You don't have the space or money for a 3rd child and having one is going to negatively impact on your existing children.
I do have three children and I wouldn't continue with the pregnancy in your situation.

Yes... they'll buy a bigger house and then put the baby in the cupboard 🙄
Funny how you can pick and choose what yiu want out of the OP just to be nasty but not bither reading the full post.

I was in your position and I had a termination, no regrets, my children are adults now. I couldn’t have been the parent I wanted to be with three, the teenage years were a push with time and money as it was and we would have really struggled with another child.

Ask yourself what you would be able to live with better; an abortion and your current lifestyle, or another child and a different lifestyle.

There isn't a simple answer I'm afraid. How does your OH feel?

What does your partner think? Write out a list of pros/cons.
Speak to your GP about a referral to EPU to check dates. How far along do you think you are?

Not the exact same scenario @unexpected5 but I did have a termination a good few years ago. We knew we weren't in the position at the time to give a baby the life it deserved (we worked but were just starting our careers so pretty low paid and had the instability of renting). We subsequently had a number of miscarriages and now have 2 beautiful children. We absolutely do not regret our termination. It was the best decision for us.

However if I was in your position I would consider the following:

• If you already have 2 young kids but only a 2bed house, would you eventually look to move to a bigger place? In the meantime baby would be in with you, and then all 3 could share the bigger bedroom for a few years.

• You could look at getting a bigger car but older than your current car or lower spec so that the immediate cost wouldn't be huge.

• What other obstacles are there? Aside from holidays and childcare?

• What is your partners opinion?

Don't jump into decision making. Get more information. First find out how far along you are gone. I would also think what I would regret more in future, not having holidays abroad or having a third kid. What is your support network like? How flexible is your employer?

She quite clearly says they run their own business.

I had 3 under 5 at one point, and it was seriously hard work. There is 20 months between my younger two. We had to get a bigger car, holidays/days out became way more expensive and things like hotel rooms became an obstacle. However it wasn't until they went to secondary that we really felt the financial hit. I don't regret it for a second, I would add, but those early years were very very hard.

The jump from 2 to 3 is quite severe for some reason and significantly more work than 1 to 2.

With all things being equal in your position I would have an abortion. But before any decision is made you need to find out how far along you are as this will affect this decision considerably. Under no circumstances do what a PP sesquapedalian suggests and wait and see if you have a miscarriage. That would becoming a mother by default and not taking control of your own life (I stupidly did this and had a baby at 43!)

I have been in your position and I chose a termination, of course it wasn’t an easy decision but I have absolutely zero regrets at all. I had to prioritise the child I did have and my own health, it was also a contraceptive failure.
The staff at the clinic were really really nice, it was all dealt with quickly and wasn’t painful or difficult at all.
Have a chat with your partner, take your time and see how you feel in a few days.
All the best to you x

Step 1: find out how far along you are.

Step 2: if possible, find time away from your children to have a really good heart to heart with your partner about it all.

Step 3: try to separate your anxieties about the practicalities from whether or not you would like another child.

I will say though that things that seem really daunting often have a way of working themselves out.

All the best OP ❤️.

Having suffered all those losses there’s no way I could terminate. I wouldn’t in these circumstances anyway. It’ll be hard for a few years, but joyous as they get older.

I really feel for you but I'm not sure asking what other people would do is going to help you?

I, for example, would immediately get rid of it no questions asked. You aren't doing great financially, you're in a two bedroom property, you have a one-year-old, your dh is barely home, you aren't sure about your mental health...

I understand you're saying you'd wonder what it would be like but (gently) it just sounds like you'd be making everyone's lives worse. You went through a lot to get the family you have. They deserve the best you can give mentally and practically. It doesn't sound like adding another child will do that.

9 years ago I wrote a really really similar post......we now have a beautiful boy and all is perfect. Yes it's hard, but honestly you don't know what you are missing out on to be honest, it's not like we account for every penny we spend on him and compare what we could have spent it on! Things do have a way of working out for the most part so try not to catastrophise.
But every circumstance is different, and if I suddenly fell pregnant again I don't know that we could financially recover from it so our decisions may well be different, maybe work out which decision you will be able to live with and work backwards from there. Good luck OP, happy for you to dm me if you need to xx

I've been in this situation, had a termination, no regrets at all. Does your husband want another child? You were on the pill for a reason.