AIBU to feel hurt friend picked the gym over our farewell dinner?

[ditchedforbarbells]

There's 4 of us. Known them for 5+ years but we've grown especially close in the last 3 years as we started playing doubles padel together. Used to meet twice a week to play but stopped in may after one got an injury, and never really got into the groove to start back up because two of us were in new jobs much further away. All mid-30s.

I'm relocating to Australia next week. We agreed to have a sort of farewell get together this Friday.

Yesterday morning she messaged in the group that she'd be cancelling because she signed up for a HYROX challenge at her gym where they'd have to attend every single evening session. This means that she would not be free for dinner for the rest of the month.

She's not avoiding us or anything it's genuinely as she said. Know a few other people who go to the same gym and they're there every single day for the challenge thing too so it's something that people really get into.

I know it's her choice and all but I'm sad.

AIBU to be a bit miffed? One last dinner for the foreseeable future and she cancels for a gym challenge?

You can be miffed of course but I suspect you think that you are closer than what you are. Looks like she sees you all as a group of gym buddies and no more.

She is focused on the gym, I think thats fair enough. I can understand you being miffed but on the other hand, why should she give this up for someone she may never see again?

Ah fair enough. Just thought we could all get together one last time because twice a week + dinner for almost 3 years is a lot for a group of adults (to me at least)! Oh well it is what it is.

Why should she give up something she enjoys for someone she will likely never see again? Sorry to be blunt you could always see her in the day to say your goodbye.

Have you offered to meet her for a coffee before you go?

How well do you know her? And can you see her a different time?

Yeah I’d be hurt, but I think you were probably more her friend than she was yours, but that hurts.

It sounds like you have different priorities. BUT given that she initially agreed on the dinner including the time, I'd expect that she'd be a bit apologetic (to everyone in the group) for cancelling last minute. And I'd expect her to at least try to meet up with the group before or after or, if that's impossible, to propose a time for the two of you to get together briefly before you leave. None of that, and I'm going to assume that (1) she's a little bit rude and (2) her "friendship" was more of an interest in having a group to do things with than a particular connection to you.

She'd argue you're the one who is leaving, which is your choice. But she has to get on with her life here, and maybe this new group will be her gym friends going forward?
I suppose it depends whether you would be staying in touch and staying close? If not, you can't blame her prioritising people who will still be in her life.

If you are planning to stay close, try to book something at another time, lunch or whatever.

Pretty well. Someone in the group moved earlier this year, all 4 of us went over to set up all the IKEA furniture and DIY painting. Another was hospitalised last year, we took turns house sitting to take care of her dogs. We're not really gym buddies more a group that played padel together cause it was better than drinking.

Timing won't work as I'm working up till my last day Wednesday to Sunday that's why we all decided to have a group dinner initially cause others do Monday to Friday.

Think the initial post didn't really do a good job in illustrating that we all weren't gym friends. We've met each other's families, we all went to one of their brother's weddings, she's even stayed over at my place for 2 weeks when she was arguing with her ex!! It's just that the padel was significant in that it showed the frequency of how often we'd hung out.

It's sad but don't let the person who won't be there pull focus from the people who will be there. It's her loss. Enjoy the meal with your other friends and hope the move goes well.

Yeah, it's sad you didn't get the chance to say bye in person.. but life goes on for some I guess. Try not to dwell on it, treasure the memories you guys had as a group and enjoy your new adventure in Australia.

This is slightly strange logic. You wouldn't say the same about someone that was about to die. "Oh, there's no point going to see them and say goodbye because I'm never going to see them again" That would be a very psychopathic way of thinking.

You are very unreasonable for playing Padel.

I'd be hurt .Can she join after the gym or is it too far away?

If I were her, I’d suggest to pop round for a farewell drink after the gym.

Oh that is a bit different then. Yes I would be hurt. Sadly though there are some people who put the gym ahead of everyone and everything.

Good luck with the move to Australia.

Yes, I’d be hurt also, especially at such short notice. Bit different if she’d arranged farewell coffee or drinks after the gym session or at another time.

I think i must live in a parallel universe sometimes, some of these posts are unnecessarily harsh!

People tend to write you off when you move away. Realistically, she will never see you again. Maybe a few whatsapp messages here and there and a drink in 5 years. Why would she cancel her plans for it?

I've moved abroad, I've experienced it myself. It hurts but it's what happens.

Yes I’d be miffed.

and I think those pretending they wouldn’t are lying!

Ues, she may well be doing this because she knows she needs new friends because your being. Avoiding going through the missing you emotions?

Yes she has every right to make choices about her own life.

But anyone who’s been in a friendship group for 5 years who is going away would feel upset their friends didn’t think saying goodbye wasn’t important.

it human emotion.

I'd be hurt too. The idea being proposed by other posters that you wouldn't say goodbye to someone because you're not going to see them after that is also very very odd to me.

Agree!
Same with the people encouraging op to go out of her way to meet up with her when
A) its already rude of "friend" to have cancelled an event shed agreed to attend. Who is to say she wont just ca cel again!
B) trekking over to her to beg her to meet up for a drink at the most convenient time and placs for her starts making op look a bit desperate
C) if shes that into her fitness she might not even want to go out for a drink (or have time if she's training constantly) anyway
D) presumably OP is already pretty busy packing up her entire life to move to the other side of the world, thus why she organised a group meetup rather than 1 to 1s with everyone she knows in the first place!

I'd be miffed she didn't suggest a separate goodbye - otherwise, just be glad you know where you stand with her and don't ever need to send her happy bday messages or invite her to Australia!