Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

[Greenhairedmonstor]

My late FiL who I never met, left school at 15, fell into the right crowd while he was doing a labouring job and ended up with a little empire.

There is something in place that is not quite a trust. It allows SiL to choose to live frugally without working, and has enabled my husband and his brothers an income which supplements their incomes.

Their children will benefit after their parents’ deaths when whatever is in place will be dissolved.

My husband has his own business as well.

My stepchild is 18 and will go to university next month. I also have another stepchild who is 13.

The eldest has asked that now that they are an adult that they want to look at my husband’s finances. Essentially they want an account of any money that is spent on my children and they wanted my husband’s estate to be reimbursed from my share of the house when he dies.

Now Mumsnet always asks, no I was not the other woman, my ex meets more than his share of his financial responsibilities and I also work and rent out a house that I own in my home country that I will eventually return to. Husband’s ex is comfortable and I don’t believe this has come from her.

Inevitably my husband subsidises our life.

This has been a bitter blow to my husband and he doesn’t see how his relationship with his child(ren) will recover.

Of course his dad is entitled to spend money on himself. I very much doubt his son would have questioned that. He’s spending money on a child who isn’t his - big difference.

I don’t think that blended families generally work without someone having to give him something and they generally get no appreciation for it.

i strongly feel all parents loyalties should be to their own children.

The child that isn't his is his wife's child. It's his money, he has every right to be generous to his stepchildren.

They have every right to think whatever they want, however this has gone a long way beyond merely holding an opinion.

It would be naive of anyone to expect DSS to like the situation. But an 18 year old talking about the income of a probably middle aged person (and DH could be under 40!) as something they're entitled to have sight of and partial reimbursement for when they die isn't just dislike.

Go nuclear, kick him in the goolies, entitled little shit, obnoxious little prick, grabby little scrote, (he does always seem to be "little", for some reason, maybe they haven't forgotten that he's still really a kid when it suits them) cut him off, give everything to the step children... This is how they talk about kids who don't always do what they want in general, is it? Especially kids with a complicated family background?

It's fucking madness. There's less spite in threads about children who are actually downright abusive and physically attack parents and siblings. And spite is what it is, really hateful and horrible. If the son is guilty of caring too much about money, what the fuck do these people care about that's sparking such a crazy level of venom towards an unknown 18 year old? And they're mostly women, although I did see a man advocating for giving everything to the stepkids if the son ever mentions it again (so can I assume he values his own children that much? You really don't have to disinherit your children to show you're cross with them.). Fabulous parenting all round. And it seems the children of attitudes like this don't always turn out to be perfect saints themselves, secure in their parents' love, and put certain connotations on money too... who'd have thunk it?

When you use money as a different kind of currency, or even as a weapon, how can you be so outraged when a youngster will respond as if it is indeed those things?

And I'm still waiting to hear if the son has actually explicitly said he will cut Dad off if Dad doesn't agree to this.

Mmm some of the language in this thread is bemusing.

I feel deeply uncomfortable with the notion that my kids feel entitled to share an opinion on how I spend my money - be that on the neighbour's cat, my aunt's tree - it doesn't matter, it's not their money and if they did start to express an opinion I'd be reconsidering my will. That's not to say I'd go postal on this kid but he needs to be gently reminded that the money is not his.
Seems lots of inheritance threads on MN and lots of AC who think their parent's money belongs to them. It's a disgusting level of entitlement.

if they did start to express an opinion I'd be reconsidering my will.

My kids would have to do far more than express an opinion for me to disinherit them, or start punishing them financially. I never thought I was the unusual one in that, but this thread has made me wonder. Money makes madness but I did think the parental bond was somewhat stronger than that. Evidently not, for a startling number of people. How scary.

Your SS is behaving abominably but I think your DH needs to be the one who lays down the law.

I would never do it. My children are the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m surrounded my people that can’t have much longes for kids. I’d never move other children in with me while my kids were still kids and play happy families. It’s a horrible selfish thing to do.

Except the bit that he has actually focused on in the money his dad is spending on SC, the money the Op casually refers to as subsiding their lifestyle.

The same child the Op wanted to leave the family table at a wedding to facilitate her DC. She wanted him to leave his own dad & aunt to go sit at a random table so her child could be looked after. I’d say that pretty much sums up his situation.

That's not 'except'. That's further information about why he's gone a looooong way beyond merely having an opinion.

And you're not summing up his situation when you leave out what is a pretty extraordinary request in any circumstances.

It isn’t a request I’d agree too. But neither would I start talking about cutting my children off.

This man hasn’t prioritised his kids. And yes, I do think that situation at the wedding sums up a lot of things, that the DS was expected to just step aside because a 9 year old who wasn’t even initially invited to the wedding wouldn’t sit down.

Is the 18 year old being bratty - yes. Should his own father be talking about going nuclear or whatever - absolutely not. He should be examining very carefully how this situation has come about and what his role in it was.

Agree!

he feels his and his sibling’s inheritance from their father will be diminished.

So eldest SS doesnt understand how the grandfather's legacy works.

Your SS just doesn't approve of how your DH is spending his money, IMO, but that is none of your SS's business.

Your DH needs to have a frank conversation with SS, along the lines of "I'm not dead yet, son".

OP has said that the SS will be supported through university by her husband

Support could mean something like a £100 a month right up to paying for everything

I've read people on here criticizing their parents for eating out, going on holiday, buying nice clothes, flying business class. An AC who feels it's their place to question my decisions on how I spend my money on the things I want - like above because I'm spending their inheritance is an AC I am not feeling very happy with - this kind of control and entitlement will not have me restricting my spending or going non contact but it will have me telling them it's my money and if they chose to continue to try to control how I spend it then I'll remove the need.

I spend far too much time her and I haven’t come across this. I don’t doubt it exists.

But it’s quite a broad issue compared to the nuances of step families. They are not the same thing.

Why does the SS have a right to say how his father spends his own money. The SS s well supported it doesn't sound as though he is wanting for anything. His father can spend his money anyway he wants he could gamble it away, spend it on drugs or give it all to charity if he wanted to. He has chosen to spend some on his step children and his wife why is that the son's business?
The assets are protected and not affected in any way. The grandchildren will inherit the assets eventually.
But meanwhile how OPs husband spends his income from the assets and from his own business are none of the son's business.

I wouldn't either. That's not a defence of anyone's behaviour, but it's of no benefit to DSS for him to be allowed to think that's in any way realistic, reasonable or acceptable. They definitely need to talk this through and be examining roles, yes. That includes DSS and XW too. This all seems to have gone extremely nuclear.

Why do people expect so much of children. His father lives with two other children. Married women wouldn’t accept a man moving another woman in but children are expected to just to tolerate whatever.

It’s rarely just about money and even if it was, a child is entitled to have a conversion with his father about how he feels about his father living with and paying for other children.

But no he is not entitled to bank statement ms etc of course. Nor do I think he’s even entitled to an inheritance. But he is entitled to express to his own father how he feels.

I don't doubt you'd be displeased but to actually disinherit or financially punish your kids from beyond the grave for it, is to me far too much. Not the legacy I'd want even if my kids had annoyed me.

I'd say a parent who does that probably created the fucked up money situation that led to the kids having these sorts of connotations on money. Treat it like a weapon, a method of control, and guess what...

The best place to start would be DH ensuring DSS fully understands the way the trust and inheritance from GF work, what they entitle him to and what they don't. Then ensuring everyone's aware how much support he's going to receive at uni.

Every behaviour that your AC displays doesn't come down to what you did as a parent - that's taking things a little too far, imo. They are entitled to be proud of their achievements and sad about the things that go wrong without attributing all to their parents.

Re your last paragraph - I'm sure your friends spouses actual children are delighted about that?