AIBU to wonder if I should have sex more often, even if I'm not interested?

[bedroomworries]

I have NC as I don't want this linked to my usual account. But I am a regular MN user.

Pretty much I have zero sex drive anymore

I have been married 8 years together 15years. We are 37(me) and 41(DH). 2 young children. My mother is an alcoholic and I am very stressed by it all right now. I have ADHD, had sever post partum depression and now have been diagnosed with PMDD which is sending my hormones insane!

When I was diagnosed with PPD after DC1 I was put onto sertraline. But I came off it again when pregnant with DC2. I was then put onto a higher dose, my PDD was severe.

I am sure it is the sertraline that was killed my sex drive. I know young children/ exhaustion etc are factors. But it's not like I want to but I am too tired. I just have zero inclination to have sex. Prior to children I had I would say a reasonable sex drive.

I am seeing a PMDD/ gynaecologist consultant in a few weeks to discuss getting that under control and changing medications.

I worry that DH will get frustrated with lack of sex. He says he understands, but still. I would say we have sex once a month.

AIBU to think I should have sex more even if I am not interested?

YABU - only have sex if you are interested
YANBU - have sex when DH initiates

I haven’t read the other replies but could it be a combination of sertraline and perimenopause?

perimenopause often hits adhd women harder it seems. Might be worth getting your testosterone and other hormones checked too?

Tbh I've been on both sides of this and it's really hard for each person.

My advice is try to have it a bit more, even just once a week. Its really only 20 minutes, which isn't a lot for a better relationship and should see you through the hump until your sex drives catches back uo.

I know this sounds a bit 😐 but I've been on both sides at different points and it's really crap for both of you, especially if you love eachother and fancy eachother but hormonally you're out of synch.

It does tend to ebb and flow for some people

Sertraline bloody Sertraline eh.
Id stop too but its keeping me alive
I absolutely feel your pain.

How's your fitness? I got way more into sex when I started working out and feeling comfortable in my body. Strength training is also known to help manage ADHD and PMDD.
Do you have a menstrual cycle and if so do you notice any difference when you're ovulating?

Nobody should ever have sex they don’t want. That said, I think it’s unreasonable to force someone to live in a sexless marriage if they don’t want to. Sex also has a number of other benefits- it promoted bonding and closeness, relaxes you and helps with high quality sleep, and makes you feel attractive and good about yourself, so it’s important to find ways to get your mojo back.

I’m a big fan of erotic fiction to get the libido perked up (there’s no end of Bridgerton style romps on Kindle Unlimited) though if you choose to listen to them on Audible make sure you have your headphones in (and that they can’t connect to the car speakers!).

I think Sertraline can have that effect. Id go back to GP.

Was going to say exactly this, the more you do it, the more you'll want it. And view it as something 'for you', in a life and a world at the moment where you are having to deal with lots of awful rubbish, its something for you to enjoy, part of your self care and meeting your needs.

Disgusting. Its not the dark ages.

Seriously shocked at the vote count. WTF.

OP, you are NOT being unreasonable!

Tf

A good man would never want to have sex with someone who is only doing it to try and make him happy and/or feel better.

No one is obliged to have sex and no one is owed sex. I'd go back to the doctor if you believe it is due to your medication.

Your poor friend having a mother like that.

Well this happens all the time when people are trying for a baby, you read it on here all the time, bit too tired, not really up for it but got to do it because its the right time so dont want to let a chance slip by.

I'd say that's a very different scenario to one person having a lower sex drive, likely due to medication for post natal depression but is considering having sex to make the other person happy. The pressure is all on one person.

I should just like to clarify that I am responding to the OP, who is in a loving relationship. I am not talking about those who are coerced, or relationships where sex is used as a weapon, or those with unkind husbands who reject a wife’s right to refuse. I am talking expressly of two reasonable people who love each other. All I’m saying is that, as in the case of the OP, if her DH wants sex and she feels she can’t be bothered or is not in the mood, and is also worried about her relationship, maybe just sometimes it’s worth making the effort. There are many things we do because we love our husbands, and it may be that sex when we are not absolutely fired up about it might be one of them - and I agree with a PP who said that it can happen that once you get going you find you’re not so averse to it after all.

Thanks so much for all the replies I have read them all.

Yes I still fancy my husband and find him attractive. I am pretty sure he still fancies me too, he's forever sneaking a squeeze of my bum! We kiss every time we see each other and ever time we part. Cuddle in bed every night. He often says I love you so much.

I would say in general we have an excellent relationship.

I have managed to get a cancellation appointment with the PMDD specialist for this week. So hopefully I can get working on it.

I do exercise, I do spinning and weights twice per week. But I do think I should up this.

Not sure if I have started peri but it is possible. The consultant will hopefully explore that. I don't have the symptoms really.

I agree with you if I dont want penetrative sex then I give him oral and that has to be mutual to finish off in a good place