AIBU to wonder if I should have sex more often, even if I'm not interested?

[bedroomworries]

I have NC as I don't want this linked to my usual account. But I am a regular MN user.

Pretty much I have zero sex drive anymore

I have been married 8 years together 15years. We are 37(me) and 41(DH). 2 young children. My mother is an alcoholic and I am very stressed by it all right now. I have ADHD, had sever post partum depression and now have been diagnosed with PMDD which is sending my hormones insane!

When I was diagnosed with PPD after DC1 I was put onto sertraline. But I came off it again when pregnant with DC2. I was then put onto a higher dose, my PDD was severe.

I am sure it is the sertraline that was killed my sex drive. I know young children/ exhaustion etc are factors. But it's not like I want to but I am too tired. I just have zero inclination to have sex. Prior to children I had I would say a reasonable sex drive.

I am seeing a PMDD/ gynaecologist consultant in a few weeks to discuss getting that under control and changing medications.

I worry that DH will get frustrated with lack of sex. He says he understands, but still. I would say we have sex once a month.

AIBU to think I should have sex more even if I am not interested?

YABU - only have sex if you are interested
YANBU - have sex when DH initiates

I would say I’m rarely in the mood however I allow myself to be persuadable, sometimes it’s a definite no I’m not in the mood and never will be sometimes it’s meh I could be, the onus is then on DH to get me in the mood. He’s very good with foreplay so I’d say 99% of the times I’m a bit meh he gets me in the mood and I enjoy it! But he knows that if I’m still not in the mood he’s not getting any! I would never have sex when I really didn’t want to!
If DH waited for me to instigate then we’d rarely have sex!!

I think if you start viewing sex as an obligation or chore, you'll want it less not more.

I doubt any loving partner wants to have sex when their partner doesn't want it.

My experience is the less you have it the less you want it, and vice versa. Would you ever consider getting a toy to get you in the mood? Or a book with positions to try something new? I’ve learned it requires active effort to keep the things going. I think without it relationships eventually fall apart.

From past experience I think you are probably correct about sertraline.

Also personally I find that even if I don't feel in the mood before sex about 75% of the time I manage to enjoy it once we get going. It is actually very good for my mental health too and seemsto balance my hormones or something. Afterwards I am grateful that I made the effort both for myself and my marriage.

Previously I would have been like that - not in the mood but with a bit of effort got into it.
The mood just doing really seem to materialise at all. And an orgasm is out of the question

I do agree with doing it more = want it more. So I think I will try more.

I have told DH is 100% is not him and I am sure he believes me but it still must feel like rejection for him

Glad you have reassured him, for his sake. I don't think many of us going through this do that. I didn't at the time when at its worst.

Don't mean to get too personal but possibly changing things up could help. Can seem like a lot of effort but often isn't. About 18 months ago we introduced a little kink and that has been a revelation. Nothing too weird or scary just some toys and talking more about what makes us tick these days. We have been married for long time so like everything else our sexual needs have changed. Just thought I would throw that out there because I never realised what I needed had changed since I had kids, not until we experimented!

To be honest, I can take it or leave it these days, you do need to ensure you’re communicating with your DH about it though.

Sexual dysfunction is one of the common side effects of Sertraline -so low/no sex drive and inability to orgasm.

If you decide to change antidepressants don't use citalapram, that made me incapable of having an orgasm

From my experience
Every single antidepressant I've tried,killed any sex drive with zero chance of finishing
Then it becomes a choice of mental health or marriage
Difficult

I am hoping to talk this through with the consultant when I meet her. I don't feel I need to be on them anymore at all. But that's not a decision I would make without consulting her first.

I take sertraline too and I have no interest in sex. We have started again but it was a dry spell for along with, funnily enough I enjoy it when I do have sex. There was a point when I did think we’d have dec ever again.
I hope someone comes along with a tip that helps as in the past I enjoyed sex.

OP, a friend of mine’s mother’s advice to her daughter as she was shortly to be married was, “Never refuse your husband”. It’s not a huge thing for a husband to expect, and even if you don’t feel like it, you are doing a loving thing for him.

Obviously no one should be forced to do anything. But if it's "meh", as in you don't mind, then in your situation I would. Because sometimes, when you don't want to do something, you can end up very much wanting to in the end. We do lots of things we don't want to everyday, but ultimately they can make us happier long term.

WTAF?? It's not the 1940's you know.

Women are absolutely within their rights to say no to their husband. Jesus.

@bedroomworries Honestly - if you start having sex due to obligation it could be the beginning of the end of your relationship. it sounds like an easy fix to begin with - but then slowly sex becomes a chore and over time you will start to resent it rather than enjoying it.

Hopefully a chat with your consultant will help - either by offering an alternative that doesn't kill your libido - or if your ready stop taking anti depressants altogether.

Keep open communication with your husband about it. You can still create moments of loving closeness with your husband without actually having sex. make time for those moments/times and hopefully your sex drive will return. Good Luck.

Do you think your partner wants to essentially just fuck a disinterested body so he gets his rocks off? Is he the kind of man who'd be happy to have sex with someone who doesn't want it?

Jesus fucking christ.

Sometimes I gfindcsex painful. We might start but then I'll stop him cos it hurts. But I should just lie there, ignore the pain and let him fuck me til he's done?

I had 2 c sections, it took time to feel ready. But according to you if I'd got home on day 4 and he'd asked i should just brace myself and let him fuck me? And presumably when I was 36 weeks with said twins and even sitting down hurt? Just have at it mate, I'm here for your pleasure.

Repeat after me.

I am not a slab of meat.

I'm allowed to say no.

A man who will fuck his wife when she doesn't want it is abusing her.

This lack of sex drive on sertraline thing has happened to me and my partner too. We’ve only figured it out recently - he started on sertraline more recently - and we’re getting around to making appointments to hopefully sort something out.

For me, sex has just felt like a workout, my brain drifts off and I just feel like I’m going through the motions.

As someone who'd been on the other end of this, please be wary about having sex you don't want.

DP went through a very long period of having no sex drive (think multiple years). We'd have sex every couple of months or so. And yes, it was incredibly hard, and yes, I felt rejected a lot of the time.

But realising you're having sex with someone who doesn't want to be having sex with you feels worse. It only happened a couple of times, when DP was feeling particularly bad about the fact we hadn't done it in months, and I realised very quickly both times what was going on, and stopped straight away. But god it made me feel gross about myself. I told her after the first time that I never wanted to have sex with her unless she actually wanted to have sex, and when it happened again a few months later after it led to the biggest argument we'd ever had and nearly the end of our relationship.

@ NewAgain26 -
There’s a huge difference between being in pain and just not really feeling in the mood. You don’t need to swear at me - I was replying to the OP.

Do you fancy your husband and does he still fancy you? If you don’t ‘fancy’ him then let him go..the resentment will soon set in. If he fancies you then you are blessed and have a starting point. My DH has openly said he doesn’t find me sexually attractive anymore, he likes me as a person but he wouldn’t have sex with me. This crushed me but I have stayed and no longer see myself as a sexual woman. It’s been over 6 years. Don’t be like me.

Ew 🤢 🤢

It doesn't seem like you actually don't want to have sex. You do want to want to have sex, your drive just isn't there. Its like you really want to eat the chocolate but your appetite isn't there.

Could you try just cuddling, watching a nice film and him playing with you? With no expectations of sex or orgasms. Even put those off the table. The game is to play with your body, finding what tickles you but you're not allowed to have sex and you're not allowed to orgasm.

Our bodies change and what makes us feel good changes. Especially with kids and hormone changes like what antidepressants cause.

(I did put a paragraph about how I had experienced this personally then read it back and though "some internet creeps are going to love that!")

Take the pressure off and just see what your body DOES like now. Even if you think you don't like your nipples played with, see how it feels now.

I struggle big time with this too, I don't have any medication or conditions to blame I just have a very low drive. Like pps say, I can be persuaded sometimes but sometimes the very idea makes my skin crawl. It's hard on Dh I know but God knows I tolerate other things from him. Sometimes I am so so tired and my body and mind are too exhausted. Sometimes a stupid thing he did or didn't do is bugging me and I can't drum up affection, I feel bad about this but he also shouldn't do things that annoy me either. It's not a matter of withholding as some sort of punishment to make a point it's more a genuine feeling that I wish he would just go somewhere else and give me some peace. On those days sharing a house and a room is hard enough, physical intimacy is a step too far. When we spend positive time together where we relax things work much better and even if I don't have the urge I can warm up with a bit of help and it's enjoyable.

I prefer to give oral if I don't feel in the mood. It feels like a more authentic way to be intimate in the absence of a sex drive.