AIBU to be concerned my ex left our eight-year-old alone?

[Hero54]

Ex husband took child (8) on holiday. Transpires that he left him on at least two occasions to go to the hotel gym for at least 30 minutes. Child said he put DND sign on door and that they had their iPad. I said what would have happened if there had been a fire, child said I’d would have used the stairs and gone to reception. I replied with thank goodness, you had discussed that. His reply: we hadn’t! Marriage was emotionally abusive so trusting my instincts and judgement is still an ongoing process but this doesn’t sit right with me. I get that going on holiday as a single parent is exhausting but I just wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving child 8 for that length of time in a new country.

What are the custody arrangements and are you happy with them?
What he did was irresponsible. In a hotel, a lot of people (staff) have access to all bedrooms.

Yes you are right to be concerned. Your poor son.

Ex sees child EOW and one midweek. Holidays are pretty fluid. I am nervous about even bringing this up but it doesn’t seem that he was considering child at all.

It’d be a no from me you can’t change what’s happened
just be aware and take steps to avoid it happening again a bit confrontation is pointless

It isn't something I'd do myself but we all know that it is seen as acceptable parenting to do this. I doubt you could change custody arrangements based on these incidents.

I don't think this would've been the end of the world if they were at home, but it feels a bit unsafe in a foreign country.

If your ex simply had to use the gym why couldn't your child have sat on the ipad there?

This holiday has been and gone, nothing you can do now and nothing to be gained from bringing it up.

Next holiday, before they go, say that your DC mentioned being left alone and that you are keen to ensure all is well. Then leave your ex to do as he sees fit.

My eldest daughter is 10 and walks to and home from school every day, she walks to the local park to meet friends after school and goes over to the shop.
I really can’t see a problem.
I have occasionally left her for brief periods while I take or pick up the youngest somewhere who is also 8 but autistic so I can’t compare there as she is mentally a lot younger than her years so while I wouldn’t be able to leave her safely, I would my eldest at the same age as she is sensible and trustworthy.
It depends on the level of maturity of the child and if they are comfortable.

It feels young to me, in an unfamiliar hotel in a different country. I don’t wish to have a confrontation - I am just worried for my son’s wellbeing.

The reality is that unless you are quite amicable, you have little say over these kinds of decisions after a breakup with a co-parent.

Such a sad view of parenting when I can’t protect my child and have to be told to just accept this disregard of their wellbeing. I’ve thought about it and I now definitely think that leaving an 8 year old in a hotel room, in another country, to gym is unacceptable. The bar is very low.
I recall having to visit reception to pick up a plug on holidays. Child was in their pyjamas - we were one floor up - I felt uneasy leaving them for around 3 minutes. I can’t imagine going to the gym and feeling okay about it.

@harshbit
Your daughter is 10 - the op’s son is 8.
Your daughter is in familiar territory- the op’s son is in an unfamiliar hotel in another country
Your daughter is meeting up with friends- the op’s son is on his own
Can you really not see the problem?

I agree with you, totally unacceptable.
It's not like he had to leave them for an emergency - he wanted to go to the gym.

My DF left me in a hotel room when I was 7 years old in a foreign country while he went off to the pub. I was asleep (afternoon nap after coming off a long haul flight) and woke to find him gone. I was scared and remember it well - it is not an acceptable thing to do.

I don't think anyone is saying you should disregard your child's wellbeing, just that there is no legal age before which you CAN'T leave your child home ALONE, so there won't be one you can't leave them in a hotel room either.

The reality is that legally your child's dad did nothing wrong so, unless you can simply convince him to think he made a mistake and promise not to do it again for a few years, there isn't really anything you can do.

Well, to be frank, this is why you have to be really sure the people you have kids with are aligned on the core issues. For me, something like this would be a core issue. I know that even if me and my husband ended up hating each other and hurting each other, we would individually never leave our kids in a hotel room and would be furious with a partner who did.

You and your ex obviously aren't aligned on many things. That is why you aren't together. This is just a further symptom of your incompatibility.

There isn't anything you can really do but let go

You’d want assurances that he wouldn’t do the same again before he took him on holiday next time.
Plus it may be useful if your ex knows that DS will tell you stuff.

Except it's a parenting decision that the ex is entitled to make. So she can't really put her foot down and insist on it not happening again unless she wants to become really obstructive and push him into taking her to court by refusing holidays.

I don't actually see any issue with what he did. He was in the same building, it was 30 minutes, the child knew what to do in an emergency. I started leaving my DS at home alone for short periods when he was 8. It's on the young side but I assessed he was ready, and it was fine.

@RoseField1
Did you actually even read the op’s post ??
The child’s father didn’t even tell his young boy what to do if there was a fire.

I've just Googled this, and this was the response when I asked about leaving a child in a hotel abroad:

'Leaving an 8-year-old child alone in a hotel room in a foreign country can be considered child neglect or abandonment under local laws. While specific age limits vary by country, child welfare authorities and police worldwide generally view an 8-year-old as too young to be left unsupervised in an unfamiliar, public accommodation'.

Personally, I would research the local laws to find out where he would stand if anything had happened to your son, and then if you still feel strongly about it, I would refuse permission for him to take him abroad in future.

Even in the UK this may not have been OK - this is what Google said:

Legal Guidance and Risks

• No Fixed Age: UK law does not set a specific legal age for when a child can be left unsupervised, but it is illegal to leave them if it exposes them to danger.

• Maturity Level: Guidance from the GOV.UK Law on Leaving Children and the NSPCC notes that children under 12 are rarely mature enough to cope with an emergency.

• Unfamiliar Environment: A hotel room introduces extra risks compared to a familiar home, such as navigating a strange building during a fire alarm, handling strangers or staff knocking on the door, and the child waking up frightened in an unfamiliar place.

• Hotel Policies: Many hotels have strict internal policies prohibiting minors from being left unattended in rooms, and staff are not responsible for supervising children.

TBH if he wanted to go to the gym he could have taken your DS who could have used his iPad there, at that she I’d be fuming at leaving him alone in the room

My ex did a marvellous job in hiding his selfishness until our child was born. He rarely puts anyone before himself. I am sad that I didn’t fully realise this before we married and had children but he played a very good game. Now my child and I are navigating the coparenting world which is quite frankly the pits. Leaving our child in the hotel room for more than 30 minutes in a foreign country goes deeper than just that. It’s the general disregard for anyone’s wellbeing but his. Those saying it’s fine. I’m not sure that it is.

You chose to have a child with him what do you expect us to say no 2 parents will ever agree 100% of every aspect of parenting even one's who stay together

You don't want to accept it so now what?

It’s absolutely not fine @Hero54 and do not doubt yourself.
Can your little boy use his iPad to contact you when he is not with you?

I can bring him up as a point of discussion.