AIBU to be concerned my ex left our eight-year-old alone?

[Hero54]

Ex husband took child (8) on holiday. Transpires that he left him on at least two occasions to go to the hotel gym for at least 30 minutes. Child said he put DND sign on door and that they had their iPad. I said what would have happened if there had been a fire, child said I’d would have used the stairs and gone to reception. I replied with thank goodness, you had discussed that. His reply: we hadn’t! Marriage was emotionally abusive so trusting my instincts and judgement is still an ongoing process but this doesn’t sit right with me. I get that going on holiday as a single parent is exhausting but I just wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving child 8 for that length of time in a new country.

No. Thanks for the reassurance.

It isn't that it is fine. It is that the law says what he does with his child in his time has nothing to do with you. The time where you parented together is over

Really?

Yes. He's unlikely to challenge any safeguarding thresholds with those actions and so he is entitled to parent as he sees fit. As are you.

Ah yes foreigners. Shifty types. Unsafe.

I think PP was referring to the country being unknown to my child.

@HumberSquid
Maybe language would be an issue for the child? Signage on doors?

Hm, I've done this with my DS, just to wait down reception for our takeaway delivery or to pop to the vending machine. 8 is a little young but it's not really that big of an issue if she's just chilling in bed and has access to an ipad. If I leave DS at home to pop to the shop 3 mins away I always stay on facetime with him.

Absolutely crazy leaving a child that young. I would feel the same way as you.

You can’t though? Unless you are planning to use it in court to get his custody time reduced?

You aren’t in a relationship any longer so what he does in his time is not a point of discussion. If it was the other way round you would not expect him to be discussing it with you surely?

edit, I don’t think you are wrong and he shouldn’t have left him.

In a hotel room with a locked door for 30 minutes is definitely fine for an 8 year old, so long as they don't have any other issues in play.

He should have, however, discussed emergency options like calling down to reception if someone knocked, or what to do if the fire alarm went off etc.

And you are right to be concerned. Just one more shit father, selfishly putting his wants (not needs) before the safety of his own child.
You can point out the risks - fire - any hotel employee having closed door access to your child etc, - but doubt it will do any good. Men don’t listen or care.

I discouraged my ex from taking ds on holiday because I caught him lying twice and 7yo ds rang me once to go and get him because he was scared.

They started holidaying again when ds was 12 and more responsible than his f.

This comment makes it seem that you are unable to assess risk. Nobody is going to know there is an 8 year old alone in the hotel room for 30 minutes behind a locked door, unless they are a predator already following your child, in which case you have some serious problems and are also the unluckiest traveller ever known. So other people having key access is not relevant, staff do not want to come into your hotel room to work, if there is a do not disturb on the door they happily keep moving, and nearly everyone will assume there is an adult in the room when they see the sign.

The risks from a fire are no more than the chances of a fire in the house when they are together and the kid is in another part of the house. Almost zero percent chance this will happen.

A locked hotel room, assuming it's not the sort of hotel room where people pay by the hour is a perfectly safe place to leave a child of 8 for 30 minutes. No, I never did this, but it's clearly not problematic. However, he should have discussed the "just in case" scenarios, even though the chances of anything happening are microscopic.

Does one need to know a country to spend half an hour in a locked room? He was playing on an ipad not navigating home cross country.

I think you are over inflating your own ability yourself there, to be honest.

No, I gave perfectly valid reasoning leading to a perfectly reasonable risk assessment. Which is why you didn't address the facts I gave 😊

Yes. The law is clear that unless threshold for significant harm is met, people are entitled to parent how they see fit, up to and including a level of neglect. It's hard for many people to comprehend but the state can only intervene without consent in parenting decisions if the child is suffering significant harm. This is a difference in parenting approaches and not something you can override him on, just as he cannot override your parenting decisions.

We stayed in a club med (French) resort recently and every single child in the 8-10s section of the mini club was given the ‘independence’ option (could see because there was an extra wrist band) to move around the resort on their own meaning they could if they wanted just walk out of kids club and go wherever on the property including back to the room, on their own. So I really don’t think he’s that out of whack with his parenting unless there’s a local law prohibiting it or something. It wouldn’t be illegal in the UK. DC seemed fine about it and happy to have the ipad. Dad should have checked but DC did know what to do in an emergency so all fine there. I think this is just one of those he’s entitled to parent his way and you yours type of things.

It's all very well saying that the DC knew what to do in an emergency, but should a fire have actually occurred, the hotel wouldn't have remained calm and quiet as he had previously expected, and he probably would have been far too scared to have done what he knows to be the right thing. He may have opened the room door to be faced with people running this way and that, shouting in foreign language, etc., ANYONE faced with that would be in a panic, a CHILD faced with that would have been TERRIFIED!

I definitely would be giving consent for your ex to take your child abroad in future OP!!

I think it’s very different moving around a public hotel geared up for families and children than being left in a hotel (not family centred) on the second day of being there. Quite a few floors up as well.

Don’t think this is an issue at all. If he had his iPad I guess he could message or call your ex if necessary? It was also only 30 mins and he was safe.

Insane! Has he not heard of Madeline McCann… a bit older yes but 8 ffs - hw
could have at least put him in the kids club!

I know it’s unlikely to be what you want to hear but children often tell you half a story. Sometimes they also amend the story, or misremember what happened.

There is a possibility that if/when you ask your ex about this, it turns out that he did intend your child to be on his iPad in the gym, but your child said he would rather stay in the room so his dad agreed.

Personally, I wouldn’t have agreed, but plenty of others would and it wouldn’t be deemed a safeguarding issue. As others have said - again, not what you want to hear - this is what happens when you separate. You just don’t get to make joint decisions about things like this any more. His time, his way, and vice versa

Think that was different. They had an apartment on the corner next to the street for starters and they left the door unlocked at night, they were also gone for hours. Sounds like OP’s DS was left alone in a locked hotel room for 30 mins on his iPad which presumably he could use to FaceTime dad who was in the same hotel still.

I personally wouldn't do it but 8 is one of them borderline ages depending on the individual child. I don't think what he did is horrific take him back to court level but I do agree it would make me uncomfortable