Dh cannot stick to a budget

[Kindareadyforautumnnow]

We’re all off work and school for the next three weeks. The first two weeks we’re doing a staycation (live in a beach area and lots to do)
The third week we go a few hours drive away.
I’ve set aside money for each week, already done a food shop for this week and petrol. We had some left over for small things-coffee and ice creams at the beach, local pool and lunch and either one bigger day out for Dc or a lunch/dinner out.
Today he’s spent £70 of it in one day, went to the shop for breakfast-a few pastries I didn’t even see, ended up getting Dd a toy and magazine. Took her to an event this afternoon which was only £6 which I thought was great, told me they got a Kfc, he got her something and put petrol in the car (we didn’t need it) and got tobacco.
Money just slips through his fingers. He thinks nothing of getting regular take away pizzas etc, doesn’t seem to understand how expensive it is now and how much a weekly food shop is nowadays.
I end up having to be the boring one as he tells me to leave him to enjoy time with Dd on his holidays.
I spend the whole time stressing about money

Aibu

Op he needs guard rails.
You need all your money sorted down to the last penny and his spending should be coming out of a spefic pot .
You need joint pots like starling where you both pay into monthly and spend from each pot accordingly no matter how small

Each need is broken down and saved for

Once you have lots accumulating he will get steadied. At the moment it's a free for all

Good luck.

It Sounds as if you have done all you can to make things clear. Does he have ADHD or a learning disability?

Whatever the reason it does sound as if you are being treated unfairly if he is out spending £££ and you are counting the pennies.

I wonder what he would suggest to ensure you all get a fair share of “fun budget”

I’d be gone. I spent years checking we were compatible with stuff like this before we moved in.

In that case, have you sat down and budgetted together so he is bought into the budget itself? I think if he is for whatever reason (crap with money, head in sand, whatever) not aligned the first step is collective agreement to a defined budget - and that conversation will also give you a chance to point out the obvious like "yes dear, but if we spend like that we'll run out of money 2 weeks before payday" or whatever. Even if you're logically "right", if you share finances tou need to agree a shared budget really.

We both think Adhd

I don’t do financially irresponsible men after having a dad who lost our house from under us and died penniless. Thing is, I’m actually quite like him in some ways. But I have learned to fight it.

Get your budget spreadsheet for the year out (I’m assuming you have one) and sit down with him every day to look at the money down to the penny every day. Accounts, income, outgoings, what bills you will pay this week and what can wait, the Christmas budget tab, the holiday savings, haircut and school uniform plans, predictions on when you’ll need to fuel the car, everything. It’s like weighing yourself every day.

When I was younger and online banking wasn’t around I used to have to build in a 10% contingency on my spreadsheet because I was so bad at thoughtless overspending. That’s got better as the access to realtime information has improved. But only by putting the information in front of my own face every single day did I start to get a handle on it. BTW I am considering asking for an ADHD assessment myself, though I have to say I think it would be borderline in my case.

It’s annoying. I am a strict budget this month, DH can be less mindful about it. He spent 20 on a toy and bought ice cream for himself and DS when I said ice cream only.
At the same time, money disappears these days, you’re not long burning through it while just having the basics and the odd coffee on a day out.
I fill my Stanley cup with tea.
It is tough.

You could pay cash only. Take put the amount of cash for the week, make sure he doesn't have access to any cards and then he can't overspend. It's easier to see how much money you've got when you can see the physical pile of cash.

Ah, consequences! Yes! He might sulk, but he needs to learn that if you spend all your money on this, there won’t be enough left enough for that.

It is good to have an explanation. It doesn’t make it an excuse- he might need to see his budget in a more concrete way. I would be sitting him down and telling him that his current spending is selfish. He needs to have his monthly spend in real money. When it is gone it is gone. Y

Some people have no sense of direction, others always late. So the notion of money blindness be it ADHD or another cause is perfectly possible.

My DH can be like this. I opened Monzo and made 20 different budget pots. He’s still not great a budgeting and arising to it but what I love about Monzo is standing next to my DH at the checkout knowing he hasn’t bothered to look in advance how much is left in a specific pot - and it rejects his payment. Then he gas to grab his Apple Watch or phone and scroll through each digital card matched to other pots to see if he can find extra money elsewhere. This has half hit home. He’s not great but dear god I thank Monzo every day. I wished I’d moved to Monzo years ago.

I couldn’t get worked up over this . He’s given your DD a nice day out that is perfectly normal, and on his annual leave where he can spend quality time with her . Micro managing money is boring .

It’s very boring, but what happens when the money runs out? Then it becomes boring…and very stressful

The thing with consequences (ah, shame you spent £30 at the shop, now we can't afford MonkeyLand tommorow) is the speed at which they work!
Yes it is very hard on the other family members but hopefully only for a couple of times.
He needs to realise his thoughtless spending has an impact on the ones he loves- You being constantly stressed about keeping tabs on everything and/or dissapointing his children.
Every tiny thing is so expensive so parents have to be a team to have any chance nowadays!

It’s a luxury afforded to the rich only that they can avoid having to micromanage money

i agree with PP that a pretty instant response - cancelling the next set of planned activities - is the only one likely to work

It also sounds really wasteful. I have quite a high income but I wouldn’t buy both breakfast and lunch out in a single day unless I was away from home and there was no other option.

Yes this is it, he is wasteful, just doesn’t think, it’s all sort of excess. Dd told me what she had in Kfc, it wasn’t a kids meal for example-do they do those, i’m not sure, never go to Kfc! She was saying she had a chicken burger, chips, drink, then chicken covered in something and something else! If I was with her we just don’t do that, she said she couldn’t eat it all-she’s very slender and gets full easily, there’s really no need

The thing is, impulse issues do make a difference. But when you’re aware of it you need to plan around it. Only take some of the money. Know where you’re going to feed the children.

This

like his Tabacco

He’s probably only going to learn the hard way when the money has run out. My hubby used to be like this & I let the shit hit the fan a few times, he soon realised and we are on the same page much more now, it’s much less stressful and less arguments about money when you can discuss it.

Would the money actually run out? There’s a big difference between having a big savings cushion and dipping into it a bit to relax and enjoy the holidays and being stressed you won’t actually be able to pay the mortgage/bills as a result of the overspending. I’d hate it personally if as a grown adult I was being told I couldn’t have a croissant or buy DD a magazine but if things are really tight for you and he doesn’t listen to reason I get how your strict approach makes sense. Monzo is good for budget pots- might be worth taking a look. My SIL has ADHD and swears by it.

I would try to sit down with him and resolve to put this blowout £70 day behind you and try to stick to the budget going forwards. Perhaps next time you get ice cream, maybe get it just for your dd (disclaimer: I don’t even like ice cream!). Or cut the coffees down as they’ve become hideously expensive. To offset the 70.

I come from a large family and so as kids we absolutely never ever got coffee/icecream “at random” on days out because there were so many of us it was unaffordable.

this country has become miserable though with just existing becoming so expensive. Two working people with one child ought to be able to have coffee and ice cream.

my ex was like this - but worse. He would get paid his monthly salary and by day 3 his direct debits were bouncing.

He wouldn’t agree to a joint bank account and joint finances mainly because he didn’t want me to see what he was spending on. In the end I’m glad we never did that.

The thing is that even though he had spent his money you might think that I was fine, but it was me bailing him out and so it was just as hard on me financially meant I was worse off for the rest of the month through no fault of my own

im afraid he will never change op some people are just not wired that way to be financially responsible - just protect yourself as much as you can from it!

What drives the budget and did you agree it together? If you agreed it together and/or not budgeting will mean you cant pay bills or eat yanbu, but if youve just arbitrarily decided it because you want to keep money for other non essentials yab a bit u because ideally you would decide together and agree whats important that way. Do you have joint accounts? Contribute equally? Etc these are all factors imo. My ex was like you but it became controlling - he decided ice cream van was too expensive so we would get a pack of ice creams from the supermarket on the way home for example - for me yes its cheaper but id rather pay more and have the ice cream there and then when I was hot - we would argue because my point was why does one person get to decide over another.

I am not saying this is you, just that there is not enough information