Struggling with husband after lost pregnancy

[2littleonesx]

Not sure where to post this or if this is right but I need advice

married 2 years been together 10, two children aged 5 and 7, was told couldn't have more babies due to health condition and husband told me after youngest he didn't want a third, knowing I always wanted a bigger family. I am not on BC and he doesn't wrap up, only pulls out. Found our was pregnant back in July, ended up with an ectopic, safe to say I am devastated.

when I found out I was pregnant he told me that if anything goes wrong I won't get another chance, so spent the few weeks worrying and stressed. Then when found out I would lose as it ectopic he said 'time to book that vasectomy' he has not been there for me at all.

i always wanted a bigger family, my mum passed away when I was 16 (now 31), his family do not bother and my nan and grandad passed away, so I always wanted to create a bigger family for my two children.
he told me he got his head around the pregnancy and is now flat out refusing to try again and I just am struggling to much with grieving the pregnancy , grieving the future, I was due on my late mums birthday and my twin sister is due two weeks before I was.

I am heartbroken and I just don't know if I can continue in a marriage where he sees what it meant to me and he wasn't there for me at all and then I will never have the future I thought I would with him. He got what he wanted and I am left living life what he wants

sorry just needed to vent

Sorry you’ve been through this.

Your H was U not to use contraception. As were you when you knew you disagreed over this.

He’s not U not to want DC3, his reasons for not wanting DC3 are as valid as yours for wanting DC3.

I’m awfully sorry for your loss, he doesn’t want a third baby clearly and if you do and its not something you can get passed it’s not going to work out is it💔

I'm so sorry, OP. He sounds emotionally illiterate and unable to support you.

I totally respect he doesn't want a third, but when he said he got his head around it, I thought he was ok to have another

I'm sorry for your loss
I'm unsure why you weren't using contraception if you have a health condition and were advised against it??? 😕
Sounds like the reality of not using contraception and you having an ectopic has made him think he might have lost you and is now taking steps to prevent that?

If you need to speak to someone, this site used to have a live chat and lots of support online.
https://www.miscarriageuk.org/

If you split, you may be faced with the scenario of sharing custody of your DC on a 50/50 basis. Think carefully.

Thank you, no sorry as in I couldn't have anymore due to not being able to because of my health condition, not advised not to just advised that it would be very hard
thanks for this

I think what I am struggling with is how he has acted over it, the lack of empathy

It wasn’t clear from your OP if you have a health condition that means you were told you couldn’t actually get pregnant or if you were advised not too, because of the health condition. Either way I think most adults are aware the pull out method isn’t 100%, so I’m surprised he is shocked you are pregnant if he was dead set against it.

I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine the anxiety in first trimester plus your DH putting pressure on you about being your “last chance” it’s also unfair that he didn’t support you during your ectopic loss. Even if the pregnancy wasn’t really what he wanted, not to support his wife through a traumatic event is unforgivable.

I know it’s really hard as he knew you wanted a big family, but some people do just change their minds. I always wanted 3 kids. But after having 2, I was and am done. I’m allowed to change my mind on such a huge deal. I know it’s really hard for you but I understand his feelings here.

I’d suggest counselling together and really think about the future going on. You are understandably grieving and emotional right now, you are totally able to leave someone that you don’t want a future with but if you act too rash you may split your family up and have a knock on affect with your 2 kids. I don’t condone him not being there for you but if he is otherwise a good husband I’d get therapy to move through this. I personally wouldn’t have left DH if he didn’t want anymore children as I would consider my already existing children. But if there are other issues in the marriage, then I would

But that’s not what that means? You need to realise here how selfish it is to expect him to change but not feel the same the other way.

Yes it’s horrible and I’m so sorry you’ve been through what you have, but you can’t force him to have a third.

I'm not forcing him at all, which is why I am venting here. I have said above I respect that he doesn't want anymore, that doesn't take away from my feelings

TBH if he didn't use contraception, he had no right to complain when he made you pregnant. His behaviour since you lost the baby is cruel and uncaring. He is obviously delighted that there won't be a third child while you are grieving the baby you lost and recovering from an ectopic pregnancy.

I'd be re-thinking the relationship and your marriage.

He should be there for you more emotionally absolutely, but it’s really unfair to blame him for not wanting a third.

Getting his head round & accepting a pregnancy that already existed is very different to actively wanting to try for another baby.

This is exactly how I feel, he is carrying on happy that it ended the way it did, while in grieving alone

He is probably relieved deep down, and I know that’s so hard to hear but he didn’t want the pregnancy. I still think it’s mean of him not to support you though, and think it’s crazy to use pull out method if you really don’t want to get pregnant

He said he is, and it hurts but nothing I can do about. Just needed to have a vent

I'm sorry for your loss.

Pullout is not contraception. If he was so dead set against having a 3rd, he would have wrapped it up or gotten a vasectomy.

You went through an ectopic and that's horrific. He's showing you he's happy about the loss when he was too lazy to prevent it in the first place and that's not a man I could be around.

I am going to suggest you go for some grief counseling and try to take care of yourself.

it’s poor he’s not been more emotionally supportive of you, but his thoughts and feelings are very different from yours and he’s been honest - he’s relieved and doesn’t want DC3.

It was unrealistic to think that because he was coming round to this pregnancy (having not used contraception) he’d now be open to ttc DC3 later.

If aside from your different wishes about the number of DC your relationship is otherwise good, would seek to accept it.

It's a bad situation but he's not wrong for not wanting a third. However he should take responsibility for birth control now and get a vasectomy.

Sorry but he’s right. You’ve been told pregnancy is unsafe and your partner doesn’t want a child. It’s absolutely his right to get a vasectomy. You can accept that or divorce. It’s OK to grieve but you are risking your children growing up motherless

I am so sorry OP, but I would urge you to focus on your existing children.

Yes it is hard to lose a pregnancy (I lost four) but it is crazy to lose your marriage over a short-lived pregnancy that you never thought would happen, and that could have killed you if not found in time.

Get counselling if need be but you need to sort yourself out for your living children, not derail your life and theirs because you lost an early-stage pregnancy.

He is a piece of work, isn't he? Is he like this in general, or just had an empathy bypass with regards to the pregnancy?

I am so sorry for your loss

I would also be reconsidering my marriage if my husband was so cold and cruel when I was clearly going through a loss.

He sounds horrible. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person? Any marriage or partnership is based on kindness/compromise. He absolutely does not have to more children but then you can make a decision to move on in that's the case. He doesn't sound as if he is very nice to you which is pretty fundamental.

But you have been told not to have another for health reasons, if I understand your post correctly. Do you really want to risk leaving your existing children motherless?

I'm so sorry. You need to grieve your loss. But this situation is unfuckable. If one person doesn't want a baby, that's it. You will, in time, need to reconcile this or choose to leave the relationship to have another baby with someone else but it will be more complicated and not the perfect family you had in your head.