Struggling with husband after lost pregnancy

[2littleonesx]

Not sure where to post this or if this is right but I need advice

married 2 years been together 10, two children aged 5 and 7, was told couldn't have more babies due to health condition and husband told me after youngest he didn't want a third, knowing I always wanted a bigger family. I am not on BC and he doesn't wrap up, only pulls out. Found our was pregnant back in July, ended up with an ectopic, safe to say I am devastated.

when I found out I was pregnant he told me that if anything goes wrong I won't get another chance, so spent the few weeks worrying and stressed. Then when found out I would lose as it ectopic he said 'time to book that vasectomy' he has not been there for me at all.

i always wanted a bigger family, my mum passed away when I was 16 (now 31), his family do not bother and my nan and grandad passed away, so I always wanted to create a bigger family for my two children.
he told me he got his head around the pregnancy and is now flat out refusing to try again and I just am struggling to much with grieving the pregnancy , grieving the future, I was due on my late mums birthday and my twin sister is due two weeks before I was.

I am heartbroken and I just don't know if I can continue in a marriage where he sees what it meant to me and he wasn't there for me at all and then I will never have the future I thought I would with him. He got what he wanted and I am left living life what he wants

sorry just needed to vent

I usually never have any sympathy for the men described on MN but in this case I sort of see his POV. He should be much more diplomatic in his wording but if he is relieved youre not having a third then he's relieved- youre on totally different pages emotionally about this so its a stretch to expect him to empathise when he likely resents that you were wanting to get pregnant at all against his wishes. He should really take responsibility for having a vasectomy though so its good hes doing this now. Sorry for your loss OP- I hope you've got good friends/family or a therapist to lean on since he is acting this way. Its a painful situation

He is probably sad too and dealing with it in a different way.

He only wanted two. You ended up pregnant again. He got his head around there being a third. It wasn't meant to be so it is back to him being happy with just two.

Just because he accepted this baby would make 3, doesn't mean he then changed his mind to wanting more.

Sorry for your loss.

No advice to offer as its such a difficult situation, one that will take time to process for you
but just wanted to say Im so sorry you are going through this, and it seems alone.
His behaviour is very unkind.

Op I can empathise a bit.
I was never bothered about having a second ( DS1 from a previous relationship) but had a surprise pregnancy followed by an ectopic which nearly killed me.
DH was really cagey during the pregnancy, saying the “right things” but clearly not excited. Felt horrible being unsupported.
Although he would mention the ectopic from time to time he’s never talked about the pregnancy or losing his potential child. I still feel the loss even though I don’t miss the family we would have been

His lack of emotional support did really used to fuck me off actually. Must be hideous if you desperately want more. Sorry Op.

I'm really sorry about your pregnancy loss.

But you have 2 children and you really should focus on the positive of them.
Your H is perfectly entitled to not want a third child and I don't see why some pp are viltgyimg him - when you were pregnant he accepted it even if it wasn't what he wanted.

There are no rights and wrong in this situation. But the fact you already have 2 children surely is the biggest positive and their wellbeing should be the focus of you both.

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

You need to look elsewhere for support I think, he's just not able to empathise with what you've been through. He could have been kinder but he's in a very different place to you emotionally. https://www.sands.org.uk/ is an organisation offering support after the loss of a pregnancy or baby. Please give them a call. Sending you a hug 🫂

I totally respect he doesn't want a third, but when he said he got his head around it, I thought he was ok to have another
No, it meant that he had no choice but to accept fate. He is relieved now and wants to make sure he doesn't happen again.

It sounds like you were desperately wishing you'd fall pregnant despite knowing it was something he didn't want.

He should be empathetic to your loss, but then we're you empathetic to his grief when you told him you that were pregnant and made it clear you wouldn't terminate or did you just care about your happiness.

Sadly, this is a situation when you have no choice but to accept you want different things. One will get what they want, the other not, but a child should really be wanted by both their parents.