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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If another mum asked you to pick her ds up from school..

48 replies

Lovesdogsandcats · 27/06/2008 01:47

and take him back to yours for a couple of hours while she is at work...then later you found out that her dh was playing tennis and had chosen to do this rather than look after his own son...would it bother you?

Cos it's pissed me right off! I think whats bothered me is at the time she asked, it was made out to be a 'please help, I'm desperate, I owe you one' kinda thing.

Wouldn't mind if she was a friend! My ds is mates at school with her ds.

OP posts:
xlr8 · 27/06/2008 01:54

Does it matter??? Did you ask for full info??

madamez · 27/06/2008 01:59

Well if she has an arse for a DH she may well have been desperate. I think it's him you should be pissed off with, if you are pissed off with anyone.

Anna8888 · 27/06/2008 02:08

No, YANBU.

It is both parents' shared responsibility to care for their children. If the father wanted to play tennis and the mother was at work, she should have had the decency to own up to that when asking you, not "emotionally blackmailed" you into looking after her DS "because she was at work".

Nothing wrong in asking for the favour and nothing wrong in either saying yes or no, btw.

stuffitllama · 27/06/2008 02:13

Yanbu, but then you can always say somethihng can't you? Even if you say it as a smile, still say someting. You can say I can't believe your dh wouldn't mind x while you were at work..

of course she should have told you. I would say something.

Original poster
Lovesdogsandcats · 27/06/2008 09:21

The thing is I hardly know the woman. And no, I didn't ask at the time cos tbh it never crossed my mind that the need wasn't genuine. maybe I am being a bit harsh on her, if her dh is a nob.

Were she a friend, we might have both slagged her dh off in a 'what an arse he is but I'm desperate' and 'yes, the dickhead..of course I'll do it for you'.

But this woman who I have only known for a few weeks, seems to, after me having her ds back for tea after school once, have got the idea that I am some kind of free childcare. Since then, I have picked him up 3 times for her. And he has slept over and spent the following day here. My ds has been to theirs once, and even then she made it clear that her dh doesn't tolerate children too well (even his own!)

After the tennis thing, which she was laughing about, and saying he 'deserved' a bit of 'him time' I have decided I am not doing it any more. So, when she phoned yesterday to ask yet again If I will do it, I was quite glad to be able to (truthfully) tell her I am unable to.

OP posts:
2point4kids · 27/06/2008 09:23

Her DH does sound like an arse, but then so does she a bit if she is taking you for granted and not returning the favour!
Good on you for saying no!

flubdub · 27/06/2008 09:26

erm, no.

jumpingbeans · 27/06/2008 09:29

No it would not bother me, whats the biggie, if it's just a one off, if it become a regular thing I would just say no if I did not want to do it, I don't know why people agree to do things and then moan about them.

PinkChick · 27/06/2008 09:31

shes taking the pee as mucha s him, shes realsied your a nice persona nd like to help so shes trying take advantage!.

ladymariner · 27/06/2008 09:32

What a pity that she couldn't have come out with it and just been honest with you from the start. Yanbu, by the way, it all sounds a bit one-sided to me but I guess the boys get on well so it's a shame for them that the other boy's mum is spoiling things.

nkf · 27/06/2008 09:34

I'd think she probably has a selfish husband but beyond that I woudn't be too bothered. I like having children back to play.

waffletrees · 27/06/2008 09:37

YANBU. I do loads of favours for my WAHM friends but I know they are not taking the piss.

I would start saying "no" to this woman because it sounds like it will only get worse.
Her DH may be an arse but she is letting him away with it.

queen2shoes · 27/06/2008 09:39

sorry don't get this. I have re read the op about 3 times. it doesn't say in it that the dh did anything to make hime a "arse"

Love2bake · 27/06/2008 09:40

I think your overacting a bit. I wouldn't mind if my son was friends with this boy.

HonoriaGlossop · 27/06/2008 09:43

I'd be really cross about this! She is definitely using you as free childcare and it's really outrageous that her dh was available but didn't pick up his own child - poor kid, guess he knows where he comes in his father's list of priorities

the amount of pick-ups you have done, inc a sleepover, having only known her a few weeks, is HUGE - I think she is a user and she is trying it on with you, so be strong now - people like this only recognise STRONG boundaries IME.

HonoriaGlossop · 27/06/2008 09:44

I think it's being an arse to be available, know your wife can't pick up your child, but let some fairly 'random' parent do it instead - on what planet is that not being an arse?!

juniperdewdrop · 27/06/2008 09:45

Well done for being strong and saying no. Does her ds seem a happy kid? If not then if it were me, I'd probably have him over regular on my terms. He may crave some attention? I could be wrong and the boy could have wonderful parents but I see this a lot, kids who's parents can't wait to farm them out.

TheHedgeWitch · 27/06/2008 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Love2bake · 27/06/2008 09:48

Ok didn't read OP's 2nd post and therefore

YANBU

If it was a one off no-probs, but sounds like this woman IS taking the piss.

HonoriaGlossop · 27/06/2008 09:56

i think it does matter what he was doing - because of the way the question was asked, in a way that was "I'm desperate, can you help, there's no-one else" - I am sure the OP would have liked the courtesy of being asked honestly - as in DH wants to play tennis and I'm at work, can you help?

It's the parents' joint responsibility to pick the child up. If this was a pre-arranged playdate for the child, fine - the dad is free to play tennis. But that wasn't how this was!

chopchopbusybusy · 27/06/2008 10:01

The fact that her DH was playing tennis wouldn't really bother me, if I didn't know the circumstances. Could be a competition game for example that had to be played at that time. But from your second post I do think she is taking the piss. I have had experience of two different people who have done similar things in the past and I would strongly recommend saying no - at least most of the time. I am in a situation at the moment where I have only just started to say no. Genuinely helping out is one thing, but being used as free childcare is another.

Original poster
Lovesdogsandcats · 27/06/2008 10:13

Hmmm some things to think about here.
Yes ds is friends with this boy. And he would love to go back to their house occasionally too, yet has been once(he said he enjoyed it there) and I got the impression it can't be a regular thing because the husband of this woman doesn't like kids.

Maybe I should see it more as ds is friends with this boy rather than thinking of the 2 parents taking the piss. It just really annoys me the lack of shame in keeping asking me. If I kept needing someones help, I would make sure I return the tea visits at least part of the time, when I could.

Also I think the dad is out of work, so really not sure why he can't put up with 2 kids playing in the house for a couple of hours once in a while!

So, having thought about this, it's the imbalance and 'using' aspect that has got to me in combination with the lack of offers to my son to go to theirs. If she offered to have ds over more, I am sure it wouldn't bother me because it is really up to the parent to do what they want while their kid is having tea at someone elses.

Oh, and the fact that personally I don't know this woman and I am probably under her address book as 'pushover'.

Maybe I need to chill more, I do tend to let things wind me up.

OP posts:
Niceychops · 27/06/2008 10:13

yanbu

Original poster
Lovesdogsandcats · 27/06/2008 10:15

HonoriaGlossop you have hit the nail on the head with this :

" If this was a pre-arranged playdate for the child, fine - the dad is free to play tennis. But that wasn't how this was!"

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 27/06/2008 10:18

why thank you lovesdogs

That's certainly what would have annoyed me - his parental responsibilities come first! or should do; if the child is looked after,THEN you're free, not before!

I'd bin the playdates if I were you and don't agonise about it - the kids see eachother ALL DAY at school and get plenty of time to play with eachother!

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