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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If another mum asked you to pick her ds up from school..

48 replies

Lovesdogsandcats · 27/06/2008 01:47

and take him back to yours for a couple of hours while she is at work...then later you found out that her dh was playing tennis and had chosen to do this rather than look after his own son...would it bother you?

Cos it's pissed me right off! I think whats bothered me is at the time she asked, it was made out to be a 'please help, I'm desperate, I owe you one' kinda thing.

Wouldn't mind if she was a friend! My ds is mates at school with her ds.

OP posts:

LazyLinePainterJane · 27/06/2008 10:22

YANBU

BUT

think of all the times that there are posters on here talking of how their DH doe nothing and won't give up his personal time to look after the children. Think of how alone they feel and how there is nothing they feel they can do. maybe this woman is in that situation?

Of course it is the responsibility of both parents to pick up the child if they are available, but you never know what might be going on so hold back a little.

HonoriaGlossop · 27/06/2008 10:31

I see where you're coming from lazyline, but if the OP picks up the slack for this dad who won't look after his OWN children she is not really helping anyone. It's an issue that needs to be dealt with by the couple and all the while that the mum is beavering away getting the child looked after in a slightly underhand way which is setting people's backs up, the dad goes on oblivious....but the mum will lose friends left right and centre because people feel as the OP does, 'used' and like a right mug

It might be a hard situation for her at home for whatever reason but colluding doesn't help - IME

Original poster

Lovesdogsandcats · 27/06/2008 11:46

Thanks Honoria, you have a very succinct way of putting things

OP posts:

cupsoftea · 27/06/2008 11:49

yanbu this mum & her dh are - next time say a big NO to her.

HonoriaGlossop · 27/06/2008 11:50

Ripeberry · 27/06/2008 11:58

At the moment i'm wondering whether to wake up my DD1 who is poorly with a fever and take her up to the school to collect DD2 from the pre-school.
But the neighbour i would have asked has gone out , may try another and ask the gran if they can collect.

LazyLinePainterJane · 27/06/2008 12:18

Honoria, you are completely correct.

Original poster

Lovesdogsandcats · 27/06/2008 12:32

ibeberry yours is a different situation altogether. Of course I would help anyone in your situ, because you are not taking advantage. Hope you sorted something out and dd1 is ok.

OP posts:

DarthVader · 27/06/2008 12:41

It is nice to do favours for other parents but it is not nice to be repeatedly taken advantage of as free childcare.

Some parents do try to use other parents in this way to make their own lives easier. I would suggest that you be very assertive with these parents and make sure that the relationship works in both directions on your terms as well as on their term. And if it doesn't, say no to them as they undoubtedly would refuse you if the situation were reversed.

kiddiz · 27/06/2008 13:19

My dh once volunteered me to look after a friend's (his friend not really mine)4 year old ds. They were having child care problems during school holidays so initially I didn't mind (turns out that the 'problem' was they didn't want to pay for the holiday club they used...didn't want to not couldn't afford). His dad dropped him off at 7.00 am, still in his pyjamas, unwashed and having had nothing to eat or drink. He didn't start work until 8.00am and works about 10 mins drive from us so I was surprised to see him so early. Anyway I fed, washed and dressed him, entertained him all day including taking him and dd to local soft play centre (my choice so not complaining about that) then gave him lunch. His dad finishes work at 4.30 so I was expecting him at 5.00ish. By 3.30 his son was getting weepy and was asking when he could go home. They finally turned up at 7.15. His dad had driven passed the end of our road, gone to pick his wife up from work on the other side of the city, had something to eat and then gone to do their weekly supermarket shop! No phone call to let me know and his mobile was switched off. I had given his son his tea and got him ready for bed as the poor kid was knackered and he was asleep on the sofa by the time they arrived. It had been a long day for him bearing in mind he didn't really know me that well. I didn't even get a thank you, never mind a bunch of flowers or anything. They both have well paid jobs and I had saved them the best part of £50 in childcare. Never had any offer of help with childcare from them either. I have always felt sorry for their son. When Mum went back to work after ml she went part time but still sent her then 5 month ds to nursery 5 days a week because she "needed some me time".

Ripeberry · 27/06/2008 14:10

Kiddiz that is really dreadfull!
Sounds like they don't like their kids company much. As for putting a 5month old in a nursery when she could have been at home.
Even SAHM's use childcare sometimes, i'm guilty of that as originaly i was doing a college course and needed one day a week without DD1 so she was a childminders from 9.30am until 4pm from the age of 13months and even when the course finished i still let her carry on as she enjoyed the childminder so much!
Hope you say no next time they ask you to do this.

itati · 27/06/2008 14:34

It would have annoyed me as I would have felt used, but tbh would also have assumed dad was working.

Twelvelegs · 27/06/2008 14:36

If he'd rather play tennis than spend time with his ds he sounds like the sort of idiot that would leave his wife with no choice.

itati · 27/06/2008 16:34

I am a bit shocked about the sleepover tbh. I wouldn't let my child sleep over at someone's house unless they were a very close friend who I had known a long time.

As for dad playing tennis, yes parents are entitled to me time, but it is the way it is gone about.

Once in 7 years of having children my husband has gone off for the day on his own, while I did the house and MIL had the kids.

queen2shoes · 27/06/2008 17:27

oh I get it now I kept mis reading
"then later you found out that her dh was playing tennis and had chosen to do this rather than look after his own son...would it bother you?"

thant bit. i thought they were playing tennis together(rose tinted glasses)
so now I get why people called him an arse.

BetteNoire · 27/06/2008 17:29

Wouldn't bother me.
Would expect her to reciprocate the favour at some point though.

Pannacotta · 27/06/2008 17:44

TOtally agree with Honoria, this women (and her DH) is def taking advantage of you.
No reason why the boys cant continue being friend, but you are not free childcare and it seems that is the way this is headed.

bubblagirl · 27/06/2008 17:48

could the dh already have plans to have played tennis as all mums and dads are allowed free time could she have chosen to take an extra shift at work

im not sure i would be really annoyed at all maybe she needed to taske the shift dh already now had commitments at short notice she needed help and asked you i dont like the fact men are always insulted when it could be the woman who chose to put herself in this situation

it gives boys chance to play and im sure she would repay you the favour you only have tom ask

sometimes business deals are done via playing tennis or squash could this have been a business deal needing to be done either way you can so no another time if you dont want to do it but personally if my ds had friend round for few hours would keep him occupied and really wouldnt bother me

if i have missed something then i apologise

HonoriaGlossop · 27/06/2008 18:30

'could the dh already have plans to have played tennis as all mums and dads are allowed free time....'

well, IMO your child comes first and any social plans you make come second to your responsibility to your child; it's what you sign up to when you, as an adult, decide to have a family

As I said earlier, IF the child is looked after, THEN the me time can come! The thing with this OP was that the mum basically lied to give the impression there WAS no-one to pick up the child, when there clearly was.

I'm not going to get into speculating that the dad may have had some whizzy 'business deal' going down at the tennis club because frankly that's just making up scenarios for the sake of it.

Original poster

Lovesdogsandcats · 27/06/2008 22:29

"I'm not going to get into speculating that the dad may have had some whizzy 'business deal' going down at the tennis club because frankly that's just making up scenarios for the sake of it."

Lol that made me laugh

And yes, you're right again!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovesdogsandcats · 27/06/2008 22:37

Thank you ladies for making my first 'am I being unreasonable' thread not too painful.

Am thinking that the general consensus is that he's a twat and she's a user, which is what I first thought...but me being a bit of an unreasonable cow at the best of times , wanted second opinions.

OP posts:

silvercrown · 30/06/2008 22:21

I don't mind having kids back to the house - when I have invited them for the playdate. I also don't mind helpiong out when it is a genuine need for help and not a regular thing but it sounds to me like you are just being taken advantage of. If I was unable to get one of the kids due to work and my hubby had arranged a tennis game then the obvious thing would be to either cancel the tennis or ask a close friend if it would be possible. They are just using your son's friendship with their son to get free childcare. I hate when people take advantage because it just makes you feel a mug and then if it happens too often by too many people it does make you resentful of ANYONE asking for help and the next time it might be a genuine need which you would previously have been happy to have done. I don't think you're wrong to feel the way you do. Perhaps if this poor boy is so unwanted by his parents you can feel better about helping out by looking at it as a playdate for your son but you would find yourself doing it alot by the sounds of it. I think it was good for you to say no.

seeker · 30/06/2008 22:31

If your son has fun with his friend why does it matter if it's also very convenient for the friend's parents? Is it any trouble at all to you?Surely all it means is cooking a few more fish fingers?

Can't see the problem myself!

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