AIBU to consider downsizing our home to work less and home educate?

[PotentialPartTimer]

Has anyone majorly downsized their home to allow them to go very part-time and avoid nursery then possibly home educate? If so did you regret it?

We are a reasonably high earning couple DH on 55k me on 70k on a xompressed 4 day week but live in low cost of living area. Now DD is here and we want another I am becoming more and more certain I don't want them spending much time in nursery or school and would rather home ed (to head off the questioning I have a masters in Developmental Psychology, would be supported by my mother who is a recently retired maths and physics teacher and would ensure regular socialising opportunities).
We currently live in a gouse worth around 500k (but very little equity) and would be looking to drop to something around 250k which would allow me to drop to one say a week and potentially DH to 4. I don't want to fully quit as I have a very secure, flexible role and would like to maintain the ability to return to it if needed.

I guess my question is, if you have done something similar was it worth it? Would you recommend it or do you miss your old lifestyle?

Why keep her home? Socialisation is really important. Downsize and get a hobby

I have no experience of home ed so can't really comment on that side of it, but me and DH have similar salaries and live in a house with a mortgage that we bought at £250k (and have a reasonable amount of equity) and I wouldn't consider this a possibility from a financial standpoint.

Putting all the strain of household expenses on effectively one salary is difficult enough but it's the additional expenditure to consider as well. If you don't already you need to make sure you have good protection plans in place to cover the remaining salary in the event of illness because losing that income puts you in a really difficult position, likewise protection to cover an "income" if you die for DH, if you're not working to have the kids at home means if you die does DH need to ship the kids straight off to school because he can't afford to keep the household going without you at home? That could be a really difficult possibility.

Then it's the cost of activities - my DD doesn't do much (gymnastics 1 hour a week, swimming 30 mins a week and beavers) and that comes to over £100 per month, and we only have one child.

Then I'd urge you to actually think about if this is what you want. I was typically at home with DD until she started nursery school (working 1 day a week and evenings) and I found it difficult even though I had also previously thought I'd like to home ed, I realised it absolutely wouldn't suit my mental health at all!

I have a slightly different perspective, but adding in case it is useful.

We kept both of ours at home until 3.5 by working opposite days. Personally I'm really glad we could do this. I feel that under 3 the main benefits of nursery are wider (allowing parents some time away from children to work or do other things) rather than direct benefits to the child.

When DD was little, I was interested in home schooling as an extension of this. In some ways it would have suited DD well. She thrived at home in lockdowns in nursery and Reception. She is 10 now, and still loves being home as a family. However we decided to send her to school, starting with 15 hours in the school nursery at 3.5. She (and DS after her) have thrived at school and actually both got on better with the structure from year 1 onwards, rather than play based learning.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I understand your motivations, but you are early on this journey. Home education may be right for your family, but you may feel differently in a few years. Although regardless of that, I do think life is smoother, even if children are at school, if one of you can work part time to do some pick-ups, attend school events, need less holiday childcare. I would consider if there is a middle ground of both reducing hours a bit, and what that would mean for your finances.

How old is your dd?

I would rather be dead than home educate my teenage children. Seriously. Not going to nursery is one thing but school is something else.

I can see why people need to homeschool children who have SEN or EBSA but to unilaterally say you’re going to home school before kids are even school age is bonkers.
I think early years (nursery/reception) is really important for developing social skills and play etc., your DC might love school, a lot of children do esp in primary. I know it’s more regimented now but it can still be a lovely experience esp if you’re bright and have friends.
Are your childhood experiences colouring your views?
Plus it’s crazy to give up a relatively well-paid job for this. What about your pension? Please think carefully about this.

Absolute madness

😂 had to laugh at your first sentence. So true!

Some people have a very stereotypical view of home schooling. Of course it's possible to home educate children and give them the social experience of school. However, this can quickly become very expensive, especially after two or more children.

She might not want to home
And this is the most important aspect. Your DD is still so young. Children have different needs. My DD would have absolutely hated gone schooling even if I had ensured she was well socialised. She is very extroverted and always had a very high need of stimulation. She would have felt very isolated being with one parent and one sibling for most of the day.

This is the sort of decision that could leave you in poverty/struggle and with no good way out in a few years time.

Social and economic environment is very very unstable right now and in that context I would now pin myself and my family in a corner doing what you suggest.

I think more than halving your household income is a very tricky decision to make. Life isn’t getting any cheaper and many things are much easier if you’re able to thrown some money at it. I’d worry that reducing by so much, and relying on one income makes you very vulnerable to changes in the job market and means there isn’t the money for organised activities that your child may benefit from, adding a second child on a hugely reduced income is madness.

You also leave yourself very vulnerable if anything were to go awry in your marriage, while we want to think our relationship is bullet proof, future proofing yourself and your children is importsnt. Would your DH be ok carrying the burden of effectively being a sole earning, with a much reduced household income while you stayed at home?

I get the desire to have your child at home but I’d put more effort into finding a nurturing pre-school place and a good primary school.

How old is your child? When mine were babies if I could have afforded it, it's something I thought I might have considered (I'm a primary teacher) but I honestly now can't imagine anything worse! One of my children in particular doesn't have the right temperament for it, even though he is academic and people often comment on his excellent behaviour. I couldn't cope with being at home that much either. I'm just saying it's easy to think about when you have a baby but you might feel very differently as they get older. As it goes, they both love school and the social side has brought them huge joy even though we are a sociable family with lots of close family friends their age.

You are considering working for 1 day per week rather than 4. If you are employed, that would show your employer how you value your job as providing pocket money rather than a career. You will rapidly find yourself being overtaken by others as opportunities and projects naturally go to those who are more visible and committed to their role. You won't have time for training, so your skills will become outdated however much you will protest that you're up to date & valuable.

If you are self employed, it would be very easy for clients to find someone with more flexibility in their diary to work with. Again, you would be responsible for maintaining your own skill base, but are unlikely to have much cash available to invest in yourself from such a low base.

Others have already mentioned your pension, life assurance etc. How will you remortgage in the future?

In some ways (only some) I do kind of agree with @Imanautumn . MN generally has a rather reverent view to establishments like schools and doctors where they are seen purely as a force for good and while there is an acknowledgement that school can be negative for children with special needs, there is little tolerance for the sort of ‘thanks, but doesn’t work for us’ view.

I don’t home educate but I used to take my children to a forest playgroup ran by a woman who home educated her children and she had a weekly session for home educators. There was a fair amount of crossover between the two groups so I know a lot of home educators and they are perfectly nice and normal, as are their children (although they do rather fetishise Scandinavia.)

I think this is a decision you need to hold and shelve in a few years though. For one thing, two children is a very different experience to one, it really is. Even if you have two very close together at a young age there’s a huge gap, so the gap between mine (just over two and a half years) is only just starting to narrow a bit, and it is only a bit. By 7 and 10 we’ll be there but at 2 and 5 the gap is massive and it’s difficult meeting both their needs. I’m feeling guilty as there’s a lot I want to try and help ds with but it’s difficult with a toddler around.

Things also change … I work two days a week and at opposite ends of the week (Monday and Friday) so the bulk of the week was spent with DD. I LOVED it. We’d go out in the morning for autumn walks and look at the ducks or to a little soft play in bad weather or to playgroup or swimming, home for lunch, nap and then play for an hour then get ds. What a lovely day! Then … the journey to three started and she refused the nap but became more tired and grouchy as the afternoon went on and now she’s three I am seeing she’s needing more than me. She’s going to preschool for three days in September so we’ll still have two days together but my god I’m ready for it and she is too!

So don’t make any big decisions yet I would say!

My child was in nursery from 5m old because I had switched jobs and had no maternity other than allowance. He thrived at nursery and made lots of friends. He's just completed his first year of school where he and another little boy are top of the class. Now they don't do top in the U.K. so how do I know? Both of our families taught our child to read before school and those two were able to enjoy reading sooner and together- chapter books, adventures, science- while their peers are still sounding out and reading the training books the school sends home.

Now, you don't have to do that but you can invest in home educating alongside whatever else they do. School readiness and reading in the home will put her in a better place to start and enjoy school.

Don’t do it. School is lovely.

Also with primary age kids, holidays and day trips are fantastic but expensive.

I wouldn’t reduce your hours as drastically- look for a way to work 3 days if possible and husband 4 to increase financial security.
There are some amazing home ed opportunities out there but some are expensive and what you may need also changes as children get older. So whilst forest school, brownies and park trips are great when they are little they may want access to bigger trips, online learning and expensive hobbies when they are a bit older all of which require funding. You can of course do home ed with a lower budget but I personally wouldn’t want to deny them some opportunities as one of the benefits is to this kind of learning is following their interests. Their interests could cost a lot! It’s just something to be mindful of.

lots of great questions here for the OP to answer. I don’t think any more can be said unless more information is given about why school is not deemed suitable.

I would not put myself in a financially precarious position - taking a (huge) step back in my career to home educate. Even assuming the quality of the home education you can provide is brilliant, and your partner is perfect and utterly devoted, the kids will grow up and leave, and you will be left with little career prospects, less financial security and fewer life experiences or the prospect of gaining any. If your relationship breaks down, that would be a disaster not just a heartbreak. I would also not want to be home 24x7 devoting myself to my children - it could very wrong in terms of everyone's mental health. My child has blossomed in school, and has a lovely set of loyal friends, and I've made several close friends through his friend group too. We even go on holidays/camping together. But, if you are considering this, I'm guessing your temperament is very different to mine, so you do you!

How are you going to save for your old age if you do this? Consider more than your children’s childhoods; don’t create problems for their adulthoods. Far better to save enough money to help them in their way as independent young adults and to avoid relying on them yourselves when you are elderly. Your thinking sounds rather short-term.

I’m looking at this totally differently. I have two dc and I prioritised career when kids were small so we could build a lot of equity and financial security. We have used that money to enrich our DC’s lives by moving to an area with lovely schools and lots of amenities.

DD1 is a “rule taker” and loved preschool and primary school. She had a bad time in y5/y6 (but covid lockdown had a hand in that) but has adored going to senior school and is thriving as she is very able and just flies through schoolwork and spends most of her time on hobbies. She would have hated to be home educated. As a teen she has loved the fact we could afford for her to do DofE, go skiing and on a trip to Iceland with her state school.

DS is only 8 and he is totally different. He would love to spend every day riding his bike or learning how to saw wood and hammer in nails. However we do send him to school - he doesn’t love it, but he’s learned to read and write and he’s actually quite good at maths.

To counter-balance the “negative impact” of a traditional schooling, we build busy days round school. Dh works 9.30 to 5pm and I’ve been able to afford to drop my hours to 28 hours a week, having put in a huge effort in the last 20 years of workweek own our house outright.

So we take weekend trips to see castles or participate in bikeathons or engage in big DIY projects. Or he might go to stay with his grandparents who take him dry slope skiing or make the most of their NT membership.

After school there are clubs most days and/or we go to the library or foraging for blackberries in the woods, or learn to cook, spend time at the pump track, or have play dates with school friends.

I’m teaching ds to speak French and play piano and recorder; dh is teaching him bike maintenance. He can already mow a lawn and use tools and he loves listening to classical music and hard rock!

He has a big bunch of friends and is very independent.

We can afford nice vacations - recently we’ve been to Florence, Strasbourg and Lyme Regis and the Peak District. We are off to Denmark for two weeks of island hopping and exploration soon. Next year is going to be Japan or Canada (still deciding).

My point is: there are different ways to enrich your kids’ lives.

You can often counterbalance the downsides of school if you have money to spend on upsides. And there’s a lot to be said for knowing you have a pension and a house of your own.

Why do you feel so strongly that school and nursery would be a negative experience for them?

A few thoughts.

ifyou have a £500k house and good jobs where is the money going now? If you are not saving them you are going to struggle on a drastically lower income even if you reduce the mortgage.

i have looked at downsizing from a 4 bed worth £450k to a 3 bed and would struggle to find anything in my area that I like for £300k let alone £250k. Have you really looked what is doable?

i wonder if there is a middle road here. Downsize a bit, Go part time so your child spends less time in nursery and you are present some/more days after school. Save some money and reassess later.

i looked at home ed and also at a steiner school (fee paying) while he was small but in the end DS went to the local large primary which he really enjoyed especially during the early years. We simply couldn’t afford for me not to work. I worked half time after he was born (working school hours over 4 days when he was in infants). I went full time when he was 9.

You don’t need a masters or to be a school teacher to able to home educate. You need to be able to facilitate learning.

I home ed my son through gcses while working full time (mostly from home) after he missed most of years 8 and 9 but it’s much more difficult to work and home ed when they are little. Most do it by working opposite shifts to their partner if they work at all.

On home educating teenagers, it was the absolute right thing for DS and is no where near as hard as people make out!

Working in most well paid jobs just 1 day a week would be tricky I think. I am not sure how good you’d be or how involved on so little hours. Depends on the job of course but not being available 4 out of 5 days would be hard to manage in most roles.

How old is DD at the moment and are you back at work? You mention working compressed hours, so I wondered if you are already back at work and struggling only spending time with DD 3 days a week and she might be struggling with long days at nursery.
I can understand your current set up might not be working for your family but there are lots of compromises between full time and 1 day a week work and homeschooling. Could you drop to 0.6 (rather than 0.2 or full time compressed) and work three normal-length days? Could your husband drop a day too? What kind of house/lifestyle could you afford then?

Primary school teacher here (& I have 2 kids). My kids love school and I enjoy my job (for the most part 😂). There are lots of variables obviously but school can be a lot of fun (especially primary school). You should give it a chance. If your child is struggling, unhappy then home schooling could be an option but it seems crazy to not even try it. Both my kids love their school and I see lots of happy faces in my classroom everyday.