To find rich friend’s problems a yawn

[Doubleblazed]

Friend moaning to me that recent house purchase for 3 million means they can’t afford to renovate for a few years.

All I can think is, well why didn’t buy one for 2.5 and then have funds to renovate? I also struggled not to point out how most people could only dream of spending that much on a house, but don’t want to be sour grapes.

i know that circumstances are all relative. AIBU to struggle to muster empathy for my friend in this situation?

As a pp has so succinctly put it, her behaviour was vulgar, insensitive and crass.

I know a person like this. When he starts his moan, I listen for a bit, and then say “oh dear, these are the problems of affluence.” Takes the wind out of his sails.

With friends like you...

In part yes… but is the rich friend in this scenario being much of a friend is she is so insensitive? I don’t sit talking about money and extension projects with friends other than to maybe ask if they’d share who did their windows etc. We talk about the kids, partners, aging relatives, bitch about the hosepipe ban and concern for our camellias, have a laugh about something in the news, discuss whether we should look into laser eye treatment as we’re feeling so flipping old, and look up adult ed courses.

It sounds - I may be wrong - as though recently this particular topic has dominated OP’s interactions with her friend. But, yes, if they are real friends, it may be time to say ‘Lavinia, I get your pique, I do - but as one of the many millions of people who will never be able to afford a £2.5m house let alone consider the reno work on it, I can’t really add to this topic. So, how are the kids?’

Yep, I have a friend whose rich family bought her a house in an exclusive area in cash and are paying for her to refurb it. . Shes using the sale money from her current home to do up the new one before she moves in. Shes constantly complaining about how expensive it is to renovate and how annoying it is that it will use up all her house sale money and they will have none left. He family bought the current house too so it's all family money. It's the naivety that gets me... no idea how much you'd actually need to earn to have nearly £1m in property assets. The family has rentals that they air b n b and the kids all get money from them. No need to work either. Says stupid things like ' just buy a few flats and let them out' if I say I'm short on cash. Like, where can I magically get a deposit for a rental property!

I do admit I'm jelous but also it's just completely clueless! Her family have bought them a house, paid for all the renovations (it's not even that bad at th moment) , she doesn't work and all she needs to do is pick kitchen, bathroom etc. Her builder is also her uncle so mates rates on that too!

I just love how you chose the name Lavinia for your example - touché 😁

It's hard to tell isn't it from one post? On the other hand, I think I would be a bit offended if a friend with money didn't talk to me about certain things because I didn't have the same level of money as them. I'm neither in this situation, I'm not rich but I'm comfortable so maybe that's why it would feel different. I do think though that if it is a strong friendship you could have this conversation in person rather than online.

It's hard to tell isn't it from one post? On the other hand, I think I would be a bit offended if a friend with money didn't talk to me about certain things because I didn't have the same level of money as them. I'm neither in this situation, I'm not rich but I'm comfortable so maybe that's why it would feel different. I do think though that if it is a strong friendship you could have this conversation in person rather than online.

Flaunting your wealth is crass. Moaning about lack of funds is even worse.

I had a friend who told me that it’s much harder organising a full time housekeeper - which is what she had - than just having cleaners who come for a few hours a week - like I had! I offered to swap and said she could pay for the full time housekeeper to come to me and I would do all the surrounding employment admin! 😂

😂

I'd be thinking crikey, if you can't afford to renovate your £3m house, the Mansion Tax is really going to screw you.

I think once you are in the £3m house bracket, it's rather unusual not to have the readies to renovate, and something doesn't stack.

@Ilovemychocolateoh piss off! She makes a valid point! Wtf moans about buying a 3 million property and having no money to renovate. As OP states easy solution go for a slightly cheaper property!

Oh shush 🙄🙄

This is always tricky because whatever you do can come off wrong. My friend moved from a house with small Victorian rooms to ones with much bigger ones. She genuinely found some of her old furniture didn't work because the scale was off. And we talked about this. (I have a much smaller flat worth much less than her house) It does depend on how you do it. But I also remember when she had a super tiny space and was having to buy miniature furniture to fit it.

You see, I would find that completely condescending. For example, we choose to live in a smaller house because we don't currently need it to be bigger and we wanted to prioritise the area over the size of the house. I don't need people to be careful about mentioning the size of their house because that actually implies that you think it's better to live in a bigger house and that the poor souls living in smaller houses must be struggling immensely with their living conditions. This is why it's silly to censor conversations with friends. Just speak openly and if there's an issue, address it directly.

Before agonising over not being able to redecorate the room, your friend needs to learn how to read the room 👍

If she really is moaning about it all the time then it would be pretty annoying!

I think I'd try to get her to laugh at herself for moaning about such "first world" problems. And if she was the sort of person who couldn't take the hint and show a bit of self-awareness then our friendship might cool a bit unless she had some great compensating properties.

Hopefully she will drop it soon!

Don't be silly.

I also have friends who are much wealthier than me, but they're not the kinds of people who moan about their diamond shoes being too tight, which is effectively what the OP's friend is doing.

Fully agree with you OP - it is stupid to spend so much money on a house that needs renovation that you can’t afford to renovate.

It is tin-eared to then complain about this self-created problem.

Someone like that would annoy me so much that I probably wouldn’t want to continue being their friend.

All my friends are poor so we never have to worry about being sensitive/insensitive, much easier that way 😁

It's a bit weird when you buy an expensive house.

The "perfect for us" house might mean I have to work longer before going self-employed house, offer us some long term income as an option, allow me to support my parents as carers, or even have a pool that replaces my need for gym membership and support my long term health conditions. And that "right" house might have very expensive design features that I couldn't afford to get rid of (and don't like wasteful replacements either).

I have wealthy friends who have a hard time expressing any kind of dissatisfaction because someone will always censor them. They've lost friends because they find they can't talk about anything with a constant critique. For example, one friend critiques my friend for the refurb of her house, when she and her husband have agreed for her to be a SAHM - which is a privileged and expensive decision in itself!

yanbu!!

The city I’m from has gone through one of the biggest housing booms in history, and I can no longer afford a property there as a 38-year old Millennial, despite two good incomes and a large downpayment.

I had a coffee with my mum’s friend out of obligation recently, and she literally spent the whole time complaining that her 3rd investment property (!!) wasn’t selling for $3.75million as promised, and that the only offer she’d had was for $3.25million and the HORROR what was she going to do, oh no, the sky is falling!! She paid $650k for it 22 years ago.

It was VERY frustrating and I just bit my tongue the whole time and did lots of nodding and ‘well anyway, how are the kids?’ Etc.

Some people have no self awareness.