AIBU to ask my sister to move out now?

[ThatCleverJoker]

My older sister found out her husband had been cheating on her for the last 2 years. She genuinely had no idea, never suspected anything. A couple of months ago he told her he wanted a divorce because he'd met someone else and wanted to pursue things with her. She completely fell apart and just couldn't accept it.

She called me and I told her to come and stay with us for a bit. DH and I have 3 kids ages between 4 to 8 years old so our house is pretty hectic at the best of times, but we have a spare room and I thought a couple of weeks away from everything would help her. Its summer holidays I want to spend some time with just my children and husband on weekends as we both work but on weekends she is in the house moping around.

The thing is, it's now been almost 2 months. I feel awful for her, I really do, but in the nicest way possible I don't really want her living here anymore. It's not that I don't want to support her, and it's not that she wouldn't always be welcome to come over or stay if she needed to again, but our house is busy enough as it is. I have 3 young children, work, a husband and all the normal family stuff going on. I can't be the only person keeping her going.

She's also not without options. She has enough money to rent somewhere if she wanted to. She could also go back to the family home because he's the one who's moved out. My parents have even asked her to move in with them. They live in a 6-bedroom house and it's just the two of them, so she'd have loads of space, but she's refused.

He's made it very clear he doesn't want to work things out. He just wants everything sorted through solicitors. As horrible as that is, there isn't really anything anyone can do to change his mind. She keeps talking about how she can get him back and has even asked me to speak to him, but I honestly don't see what that would achieve. If someone has decided they want to leave and be with someone else, what exactly am I supposed to say?

The atmosphere in the house is starting to affect everyone now as well. She's understandably upset all the time, but it's very heavy. My 4yo has started asking why she's always sad, why she's here all the time and what happened to her house. He can tell something isn't right even if he doesn't fully understand it.
I know she's grieving the end of her marriage and I do have so much sympathy for her, but I also feel like there comes a point where she has to start taking some steps forward. I was expecting her to stay for a couple of weeks, not indefinitely.

AIBU for wanting to tell her it's time to either go back to her house, stay with our parents or find somewhere of her own? I feel guilty because I know she's heartbroken, but I also don't think it's fair on my own family for this to carry on much longer.

You have to be cruel to be kind , she is living in never never land at your house and long term it’s not going to help her . Confronting reality is very hard and putting it off won’t make it any easier .

She's obviously still reeling but she needs to start addressing the future. Is he still living in their house? If so I would advise her to ask him to leave so that she can go home and start gathering together the information she is going to need for her divorce.

She needs to make an appointment with a solicitor and start keeping a record of everything. Is she still contributing to the mortgage and household bills, etc. Is there a joint account. She needs to take steps to protect herself financially.

Maybe you could start by suggesting she goes home for the weekend just to put the wheels in motion.

And brutally, she needs to sort out the sale if her dh has made it final, so lots of sorting, tip trips, boxing up to do, getting it ready to sell. Hard for her, but she needs to face the reality of the situation. There’s no reason she can’t still receive support/go to your dps’ house.

I would give her a timeframe, and say she needs to be out by August 31st, so before the kids go back to school (or sooner if you’re desperate).

She has taken time off work, her work is very understanding especially her manager and she's been in civil service for 18 years now so 2 months off sick isn't alarming. She is barely eating or doing much. Over the weekends sometimes we just want to go out with the children we have invited her a couple time she refuses which also makes me feel worse as she really is hurting. She is a very social person, I am very sad for her

I don't think it's doing her any good to keep moping but you can't make her be more proactive. All you can do is put a time limit on her stay with you. I think you probably do need to do it sooner rather than later or the summer will be over.

You're just going to have to bite the bullet and get it over with OP.

This is not fair on your family.
She is not going to put your children first.
That's your job and you haven't.
Two months and it's impacting your children

Kind but firm, time she went to your parents.
Your husband is a saint to tolerate this.
I wouldn't if it was my husbands sister.

That’s very sad for her. She may not be able to be alone, and perhaps being her marital home would make it worse. But it’s not fair on you or your kids. I think you need to tell her that she will have to move in with your parents when the summer holiday is over. She also needs to find her anger about what the husband did.

What’s stopping you from telling her it’s time she moved on?

You’ve been really kind but unfortunately it sounds like she’s now in an enabled situation and won’t move on while she’s there so the kindest think you can do is to nudge her forward by giving her a deadline to move out. There’s been some excellent suggestions about how you can handle this and yes sadly she may turn her anger/sadness on to you but there’s isn’t anything you can do about that. Just continue to be there and she’ll come back her herself and you.

Is she okay? You say she’s barely eating or doing anything? She sounds depressed.

She sounds poorly, poor her, has she seen her GP? She won’t feel like it now but the best thing is a new routine and new life.

If she can’t manage to live in her marital home she can move in with your parents and organise renting it out to rent somewhere eventually. And no she can’t stay with you any longer she has to face her reality.

Doesn’t she work? Is her job / house nearby? I think as someone else said I’d talk about it as s given. So what’s next are you moving back to yours? It’s been empty a while now? You must be missing your own place? Or will you go and stay with mum and dad I know they’d love to have you for a while? It’ll open up a conversation at least ..
I feel sorry for her and for you, hope it works out

Yes she does sound poorly. Gp is a good idea

Having said all that if my sibling was in such a bad way I’m not sure I could ask them to leave tbh. Sorry that’s not helpful of me and I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Can she maybe go back to work? Get her back in a routine and socialisng? She may get stronger and want to move out.

Have your parents talk to her. They can surely say to her “look you need to leave your sister to get on with her life and come and stay with us”
They don’t have to say you told them to say it.

If she keeps her head in the sand whilst ex to be DH sorts out the divorce she could be well and truly ripped off - and lack of finance seriously effect the rest of her life.

From a practical point of view, her house insurance may be invalid if it’s not being lived/slept in and if the taps etc are not being used and things flushed, leaks often happen.
if she’s sociable suggest she has friends over at hers to stay, also tell her what your kids have noticed and are asking questions.
you need your space and she needs to face her future. If she’s not moving back in she needs to let it out and get her own rental and the house on the market
can you tell her you’ll go and sleep over one night a week then Spread to once a Fortnight etc

She is a grown woman and needs to act like it if she needs the gp she needs to go

Yes she needs to leave like adults do they work things out for themselves

Hi op very awkward situation for you and your family. Could you suggest she goes home or to parents at weekends so you can have some family time. Then once she’s gone she might realise being out of your house is better for her. Otherwise it’s tough love for sister as her life won’t get better in your home and I’m sure she can always come and visit you might have to honest with her.

What an awful situation..it is very hard to understand unless you've been betrayed like this how deeply harmed you are. It has added stigma and embarrassment too. It can feel frightening to be alone, frightening to be confronted by familiar things..just so painful.

I think you'll just have to tell your sister you need your family life back but also encourage everyone you can to rally around her. It's a really dreadful thing to experience.

There are communities on line of people who've been through it ...that can be very healing ...seeking recommendations for those might really help your sister accept she must begin to rebuild.

I do feel for her. She's clearly been absolutely knocked for six by this and two months isn't very long to come to terms with having to make a new future for yourself. But she can't stay in this stasis. She needs to see a GP to help her deal with things - does she have a mental health helpline through her CS job? Maybe you could suggest that she use that in the first instance?

And I agree with pp who suggested getting your parents to speak to her and point out that she can't continue to lean on you - you have your own life. She needs to go home to them (I absolutely understand her not wanting to go back to the marital home) so that you can pick up your own normal life.

You have given her amazing support understand you feel for her and dont want to see her hurting but she has massively outstayed in your family home.
She can't wallow in someone else's home forever sounds like she has totally gone into herself .
She needs a wake up call and some home truths if its over its over and she needs to go back to her own home and stsrt the process of divorce by staying with you she is running away from it all she has to face it .

OP you say her husband has moved out, so is her house standing empty?
Doe she have any children?

You have unwittingly enabled the situation by not setting a clear time frame for’ moving on’ no wonder you have a resentment
try to think of action you can take ‘sofa-surfing is technically‘homelessness and maybe increase chances of getting a council housing association place maybe you could get some leaflets etc for her and find out what help is available with the housing search she may be able to get financial support dependency is not good for any of you I would make a list of action and get on with it this is not kindness you are opening a whole can of worms for your family if you aren’t decisive!