AIBU to limit contact with my widowed father despite his demands?

[GertrudeIsABadDaughter]

After the unexpected death of my mother earlier this year my 91y father has become a nightmare. He is fit and healthy and living in an apartment building, with other retired people, about a mile away. I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s 14y ago and my lovely OH helps me to manage this by undertaking most of the household chores which enables us to enjoy our retirement. My father does not understand how Parkinson’s affects people in different ways and tells people “my daughter SAYS she has Parkinson’s”.

The last 3 weeks of my mother’s life involved daily trips to the hospital for 4 hourly visits during which my father barely spoke, neither on the journey or at the hospital. My Parkinson’s symptoms eventually got worse due to anxiety and lack of sleep, making it almost impossible for me to leave the house.
My father now expects me, and OH, to look after him as he is now, understandably lonely. He doesn’t require any kind of care, as such, but we arranged a local care team to visit twice a week to help with things like changing and laundering bed linen etc. and he also has a cleaning lady once a week to ensure the kitchen and bathroom get cleaned properly as he actually enjoys vacuuming, dusting and polishing!

We have both offered to help with sorting out shopping, paying the bills, doing diy around the apartment etc. and have been taking him out once a month for lunch {all I can manage due to Parkinson’s} but he refuses our help and moans saying we don’t take him out enough - we also transport him to 2/3 hospital/GP appointments each month as he is a hypochondriac but his GP is overly cautious.
After weeks of argument he has eventually agreed to keep the cleaning lady, but will not entertain the lovely carer who he considered to be unnecessary because he has me. He expects me to go daily, when I probably only visited 3/4 times a month before mother died as we sent text messages continuously, and when I did visit he rarely spoke and never asked how I was - he has no empathy at all.
He has started sending ‘urgent’ messages saying he needs help, but when I arrive it turns out to be he’s lost the TV remote, or his ‘broken’ iPad has just not been charged up. We end up ‘having words’ then when I get home he sends messages saying how he’s sorry about bothering me and that he misses me, and that I am his favourite daughter. I’m the only daughter and he’s ruining my life!
He now expects me to send text messages each day because he says he’s worried about me. He often doesn’t respond to these for hours, hoping that I will call him - if I do he just laughs and asks if I was worried!

Thanks so very much for this. You have definitely given me some perspective. I don’t actually think I’ve really had the opportunity to grieve the loss of my mother. One of the last things she said to me was not to worry about my father as she put it: “don’t let him fool you, he can look after himself” and “ we’ve both enjoyed our long lives, don’t let him rule yours”.

I hope I can make progress. Your advice is much appreciated 😎

Now why didn’t I think of this? Thanks so much 😎

Thanks again. I really do need be brave and lay down firm ground rules, and stick to them 🥴

OP your mum seemed very wise.

"don’t let him fool you, he can look after himself” and “ we’ve both enjoyed our long lives, don’t let him rule yours”.

Print that out and put it in your bag/phone case!

Just FYI my mil died this year leaving 90 fil alone. He is managing well.

I am also 61 and have a few health issues.

We must look after ourselves.

Xxxxxx

I’ve started using Do Not Disturb on my phone with my elderly “D”M, as the constant interruptions with texts, messages and calls were stopping me getting anything done - I’m not disabled but work FT and have children at primary school.

It’s on to cover work and commuting hours but I’ve set it up so DH and the children’s school/wraparound care can get through. In a genuine emergency she’d manage to get hold of DH who could then get me but it’s stopped the endless messages.

Do you think he would really like to come and live with you?

You can't take the carer role, but could you phone him once a day? He sounds scared and knowing that you will be in touch may calm him. You will just have to keep explaining that you're not well enough to keep going over to do his house work. Show him your GP records if he doesn't believe you.

You have to have a frank conversation with him- and tell him you are not well enough to be called out except in an absolute emergency, it's understandable he is lonely, look into groups he can go to (the council can arrange transport) he needs more in his life than simply making your life miserable.

You’re doing a grand job with your dad! No elderly parents alone is quiet and un- needy and if they were, we’d be worried about them! The fact that he can’t learn new things and is sending URGENT messages arent good signs for his mental future. I’d guess he finds texts from you à great comfort. It’s a tightrope, to care for yoursekf and for those close to us. No easy solution, but just wanted to say, you’re doing great by the sound of it and you’ll never regret being loving.

Dutiful daughter here. My parent died last autumn at 96. I live over 100 miles away and work. He wanted me there 24/7 - I phoned every day from wherever I was (near the Chinese border once 😳)
I constantly felt guilty whatever I did but did manage to set some boundaries for my own sanity. I would only go down every couple of weeks although he had a carer a couple of times a week and I managed all his shopping and finances.

Still sorting out his estate but slowly starting to decompress. I hadn’t realised just how utterly worn out I was.
If is really hard to set boundaries but very necessary for your own health.

Sympathy OP! My father is about to turn 90 and can't grasp the fact that I have serious chronic fatigue syndrome. To the point where I'm pretty mostly bedbound.

He has been known to say, 'She says she's tired. She's always tired'.

He's deaf, so phoning him isn't much use. DH is good and pops in once a week or so and he has plenty of help, but he just doesn't get that I can't become his full time carer. I'm at the point where he can die believing I'm a shit daughter if he likes. It's less exhausting than having to try and explain CF again. All I get is 'can't the doctors give you something for it?'

Perhaps ask for this to go on the elderly parents thread where you will be extremely understood and welcomed.

I cared for my DM who had Parkinson’s for over 16 years, so this blows my mind that someone with it would be expected to do caring themselves. There is no way my DM would EVER have been able to care for anyone. In fact, she was difficult in all the ways your DF seems to be. The only way to deal with it is to decide what you can do, keep rock solid boundaries and ignore his sulking.

In a way his cautious GP may be a help. I would write to him and outline your concerns about your DFs cognitive decline and ability to look after yourself. I would say that due to your Parkinsons you are unable to offer any support over what you currently provide i.e. transport to appointments and as your condition worsens you may not be able to do that.

We only get one life OP and a diagnosis of Parkinsons at a relatively young age is a hard burden to carry.

Inevitably with elderly DPs the demands ramp up until the carer crumbles, the elderly person worsens and they end up in care. Unfortunately it’s unpleasant but to short circuit this a bit, pull back now. His GP is on the ball and social care exists. Your DM knew what she was saying.

Can you ask the GP for access to social prescribers for your father? They might be able to direct him to local activities for his age and church morning clubs etc. He probably needs help building his social network and a routine now that he doesn't have your mum?

Also, was he a good dad? You don't sound as you were terribly close/love him lots as you seem to not have much empathy around his situation. He also doesn't seem to have empathy towards yours so I suppose you are both acting callous at times. If I had been close to my dad growing up I'd even have offered him to move in with us in your situation even with my own disability. You don't need to do much more if you can't, but this is just my opinion.

You need to take your lovely mums advice she gave you

Yes because when he comes for tea, occasionally, he always says how nice it would be just stay longer. I don’t think he would enjoy the reality of living with us!

So sorry to hear about your experience. I’m hoping to get him sorted out before it becomes beyond my capabilities. I’m beginning to wish he would consider a move to a facility with access to more organised activities and care.

Ill check out the thread you suggested 😎

Thanks for this. We have indeed tried social prescribing, he was really keen on a number of schemes whilst we were at the consultation. However on the drive home he was sulky and told he he didn’t see the point in going because he would ‘be on his own’. He has since refused to even let us take him to a couple to try them out.

He was a good dad to my brother and I, but was always controlling and secretive. He has always been a hypochondriac and avoids anyone who he deems ‘ill’. My brother moved to the US decades ago and rarely visits as their relationship broke down. Over time I became exasperated as he refused to help his siblings care for their mother who had stomach cancer, he rarely visited her during this time despite living 3 miles away. He subsequently avoided both his sisters who fought breast cancer, then lung cancer. Our relationship became very difficult after my mother had a stroke 2y ago and once she returned home he expected her to just continue running their lives as she had previously. Unbelievably the other folk in his apartment block think he is a wonderful person!

This is very good advice. I also called my phone service provider and asked them to disable voicemail - because on do not disturb I would still receive countless voicemails from my parent who had zero boundaries for my working hours. Then I would have a traumatic time listening to the relentless voicemails that only ever induced stress. Once voicemail was disabled my stress levels reduced significantly.

You have my sympathy! It sounds like we are in the same boat. I think we both need to take a step back and look after ourselves for the sake of our sanity.
I’m going to give it one more try, as others have suggested some great ideas, then I fear he’s on his own 🥴
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to my post.

This must be very difficult for you, OP. It does sound as if there are some cognitive problems, may I suggest that you look up, consider and try to establish lasting POA as soon as possible while your father is still deemed to have ‘agency’, both for finances and health. It could be explained as keeping family matters in family hands if he is secretive.

I think this.

He’s being horribly selfish and unfair on you.

He needs to accept the cleaner and carer and the fact you cannot do more - even if you wanted to!

Firm boundaries, and don't break them OP.
He has access to cleaners and carers - he would just prefer you.
He needs to learn to live with your absence, and refer his "emergencies" elsewhere because you need to safeguard your own life which already has its challenges without adding him, and rest assured he will run you into the ground given half a chance.

Sounds like your mother was wise to him, heed her advice.

What he wants and what he gets are not the same thing.

In your situation, I'd sit down with a clear head and work out what you can reasonably offer and put in place and what you can't and hold the line.

For example, you could reasonably send a text at 10am each day saying good morning and one in the evening at 6pm saying goodnight. You can factually reassure yourself that you've offered reasonable friendly and proactive contact and he will get into a routine of expecting those messages.

You can reasonably visit on a Sunday afternoon and Thursday evening so he can plan around those times and know when you're coming and you can ask what he needs for the next visit. They can be for e.g. 2-4 hours and he can use them for chat or organising help like a food shop.

Always take an hour to reply to an unexpected text, and offer to address the problem at the next schedule visit or tell him to contact the carer, doctor or 999 as needed as your default reply.

Just be consistent. I know its hard and draining, and obviously these are just ideas, but hopefully if you work out what is reasonable to you with a clear head, it will help you form a habitual response and take the urgency and pressure off you to react each time and you can sleep at night without the guilt of being a 'bad daughter'.

Amazing how many people would prefer the unpaid work of female relatives to paid professionals!