AIBU to limit contact with my widowed father despite his demands?

[GertrudeIsABadDaughter]

After the unexpected death of my mother earlier this year my 91y father has become a nightmare. He is fit and healthy and living in an apartment building, with other retired people, about a mile away. I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s 14y ago and my lovely OH helps me to manage this by undertaking most of the household chores which enables us to enjoy our retirement. My father does not understand how Parkinson’s affects people in different ways and tells people “my daughter SAYS she has Parkinson’s”.

The last 3 weeks of my mother’s life involved daily trips to the hospital for 4 hourly visits during which my father barely spoke, neither on the journey or at the hospital. My Parkinson’s symptoms eventually got worse due to anxiety and lack of sleep, making it almost impossible for me to leave the house.
My father now expects me, and OH, to look after him as he is now, understandably lonely. He doesn’t require any kind of care, as such, but we arranged a local care team to visit twice a week to help with things like changing and laundering bed linen etc. and he also has a cleaning lady once a week to ensure the kitchen and bathroom get cleaned properly as he actually enjoys vacuuming, dusting and polishing!

We have both offered to help with sorting out shopping, paying the bills, doing diy around the apartment etc. and have been taking him out once a month for lunch {all I can manage due to Parkinson’s} but he refuses our help and moans saying we don’t take him out enough - we also transport him to 2/3 hospital/GP appointments each month as he is a hypochondriac but his GP is overly cautious.
After weeks of argument he has eventually agreed to keep the cleaning lady, but will not entertain the lovely carer who he considered to be unnecessary because he has me. He expects me to go daily, when I probably only visited 3/4 times a month before mother died as we sent text messages continuously, and when I did visit he rarely spoke and never asked how I was - he has no empathy at all.
He has started sending ‘urgent’ messages saying he needs help, but when I arrive it turns out to be he’s lost the TV remote, or his ‘broken’ iPad has just not been charged up. We end up ‘having words’ then when I get home he sends messages saying how he’s sorry about bothering me and that he misses me, and that I am his favourite daughter. I’m the only daughter and he’s ruining my life!
He now expects me to send text messages each day because he says he’s worried about me. He often doesn’t respond to these for hours, hoping that I will call him - if I do he just laughs and asks if I was worried!

Come and join the other bad daughters on the Elderly Parents Forum, OP. You'll find it under the general heading of Other Stuff.

You are not alone!

Ha! I've just noticed your username!

@GertrudeIsABadDaughter completely understand your frustration and I’m sorry to hear you have your own health problems.

Your DDad sounds lonely and grieving. I know it’s hard but maybe try and plan a new approach to seeing him. I lost my father a couple of years ago and regret not spending more time with him. I’m not judging but just suggesting come up with a plan and try and find a new normal.

I’m so sorry your mum died and you’re dealing with all this.

He is being really unfair on you.

There are no easy answers; putting up and keeping up boundaries becomes a really difficult emotional challenge.

Are there other family members who could visit him, or have him to stay for a few days?

Can you phone him once a day ? Just to check in ? If he is that age he must have married to your mother for a very long time . His new circumstances must be hard for him to get used to and he must miss your mother so much . Hopefully he will get used to being alone now but please have patience with him .

I think the answer is rock solid boundaries and making peace with the fact that he'll tell everyone he meets how awful you are. This is how I cope. I ring my dm every other day, take her shopping weekly and visit twice a week, that's all I can manage. The thing is, if I made an extra visit it would still not be enough.

Decide what you can offer, let him know and don't give in to blackmail. You could suggest the carer takes him out to activities if he's lonely?

You have all my sympathy. It really doesn't get easier, particularly when you have your own health challenges. The one thing that I wanted to comment on was the broken iPad and lost remote control. The first sign of my mother's dementia was when she started phoning me asking if I could fix her broken laptop (usually she had the mouse upside down) or help her to find the remote because she'd lost it. I don't mean you need to do more - I don't see how you can, but just wanted to suggest that he may not be being difficult deliberately.

YANBU to have boundaries, and you can decide where those are.

Perhaps phoning him more regularly would help, but combine that with absolutely refusing to physically go and visit more than you can cope with - so if he demands you go over because of a fake "emergency" then you cancel whatever planned next visit was expected because you can't manage more than X visits per month.

You are ill, with an illness that gets worse when you overdo it - of course you need to ration your energy.

Can I derive from reading between the lines that you have a brother or two? How far away are they and how much help do they give?

You are disabled,

I am also disabled and have an elderly mother and she has only slowly come to understand this, largely through me having rock solid boundaries.

keep saying no and keep saying it’s because you are disabled. It goes in eventually

You say the GP is overly cautious-a lot of health conditions can be much more serious at his stage and it's really not unusual for people his age to go to the doctor that often.
You might be able to get some flexibility at work if you're a carer, and you could ask friends about sharing pick up/drop off at school, if that's relevant for you. I know how hard it is to manage FT work, kids, and caring for family all at the same time, but it's worth doing all we can to help the people who made us/our partners and demonstrate the importance of family to our kids. I'm far from perfect, but it's just about doing as much as we possibly can, and trying to talk to them and listen to make their days as good as possible.

@Pistachiocake
Thanks for this, and yes at his age I understand the caution but so far all investigations have proved negative. He enjoys medical staff telling him how well he is!
Luckily I am retired, however my Parkinson’s and I cannot become his carer

Sorry, pressed wrong key!
My Parkinson’s makes it impossible to be his carer, but I do need to somehow get him to accept this.

Thanks for this, I’ll check it out 😎

Thanks for your kind and thoughtful response. I’ve thought about discussing a visiting schedule, but fear that he will be reluctant to accept that there will be days when I would be unable to go due to my Parkinson’s. Having read the other responses this looks like the best way to proceed. I need to put on my big girl pants 😎

Thanks for this. Sadly my brother lives in the US and is going through his own rough patch - he has just been made redundant, at 61y and his partner has a brain tumour which requires a lot of medication. We chat every week and try to find solutions to our challenges, and he has offered to come over to give us a break, but I think it’s unfair to ask at the moment.

I definitely need to work on boundaries 🥴

Thanks for your kind words, I think I probably should have more patience with him. We had agreed to phoning once a day after the first month, when we were calling in most days, to ensure he was doing OK. When I telephoned he was very terse and sulky and often reduced me to tears with his criticism. OH eventually suggested I send a text message each day instead. This is less stressful for me, but can go on for hours as he rambles on about some random item on the local radio news.
I think it’s time to find some kind of combined visit/communication boundaries 🥴

I am so sorry.

Sorry for your condition and sorry your dad is being so difficult and unreasonable.

"My Parkinson’s makes it impossible to be his carer, but I do need to somehow get him to accept this."

Write out what you feel, and the absolute minimum you will be able to do. Then present this to him with your dear supporrive husbandand discuss.

Suggest ways he could have company and/or support - Day centre/Age UK etc.

If he would like a short phone call or a text daily, I'd offer that. But I would not expect anything back, no empathy or support from him.

Limit your physical time with him to what you want/can cope with.

Yes, he is lonely and grieving.

But you are also grieving your mother and dealing with a serious medical condition.

Do not over-offer or over-commit.

I may sound harsh but in all honesty none of us know how long we have to live and you must prioritise your life.

Time to go to the doctor with him and get the doctor to explain how Parkinson’s affects you and why he is making your symptoms worse.

Re "...often reduced me to tears with his criticism. "

You need to make it very clear to him that any criticism or negative talk will result in the termination of that call. You need to toughen up, sorry, but your time is valuable and he is abusing your kindness.

You need peace. You don't need this. If he sends rambling texts about things that are not relevant to you or him, have a stock answer. 'Oh terrible story. Luckily, it doesn't affect wither of us."

Thanks so much for this. I really appreciate the advice, and agree whatever we agree I don’t think it will be enough for him.

He gets out more than I do as he has 4 chums who he meets twice a week and the other apartment residents have encouraged him to join them for coffee and cake in the common room, which is also a weekly event!

Well, this is easy. You're not in the wrong. At all.

"...whatever we agree I don’t think it will be enough for him."

It will just have to be. The minimum you want to offer is safer to commit to.

If he asks for more, the answer is no.

Thanks so much for this insight. We are in fact keeping a check on his state of mind as he does appear to exhibit some dementia related symptoms. He is convinced he is paying out too much in bank direct debits, but will not allow me or OH to check his statements. He also finds any new task challenging - using the hob to cook is still tricky for him as my mother did all the meal preparation. Luckily she had trained him to use the microwave and oven. Bacon sandwiches usually end up with the smoke alarm going off 🥴

Thanks so very much for this kind and helpful advice. This looks like a plan which might just work 😎

Yes I do have a brother, he’s in the US and is currently having a difficult time. He was, unexpectedly, made redundant in May and is also caring for his partner who has a brain tumour which requires a lot of complex medication. Despite this he has offered to come over to help.

Thanks so much for this. You’ve given me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel 😎