can you help me manage 13 year old's smart phone deceit ?

[Wumple]

Hi. I am wondering if anyone can offer me any tips on smartphone settings for my 13 year old daughter before I upgrade her phone. She seems to be able to download TikTok and Snapchat repeatedly even though there are parental controls on installing apps.

More worrying is that she knows I randomly check her phone so she deletes messages so I can't see them. Although I don't want to read her private messages, she has started seeing boys and is not always truthful about where she is. I have told her that her phone isn't truly private at her age and also that the more I can trust her the less I will look.

I also know that many will say 'just take the phone away from her' and this is an option but is also not sustainable these days. I am working on the trust with her separately but in the meantime as I am about to upgrade her phone, I am after practical advice about how best to set this up, especially:

1. Can it be set up so she can't bypass controls on new apps?
2. How best to link her phone to mine?
3. Can it be set up so she can't have messages that auto-delete?
4. If there was a very serious concern, can it be set up so that I can access message history?

Again, it's the practical advice I'm after. How do you all set up your teenagers' phones, especially where there are behaviour/trust concerns?

Thank you.

Although I don't want to read her private messages, she has started seeing boys and is not always truthful about where she is

She is showing you very clearly that she isn't mature enough to be dealing with the freedom that she has currently got.

In addition she's being given an upgraded phone as a reward. This makes no sense.

I would absolutely get her a brick. You sound scared of the ramifications of removing her phone, but at the same time can accept that it's a massive issue and she's accessing things she shouldn't be, and people have access to her that they should not have.

It's hard to remove a phone from a 13 year old, I get it. What's harder will be wishing you'd done it down the line when the shit really hits the fan and you could have done more to prevent it.

thank you for replying and I'm sorry you have had to deal with that. It's terrible that young people are exposed to this. I'll look up Parentshield

When I was 13 teenagers were smoking fags and getting pissed in parks and smoking weed, taking speed. All this was going on, my parents didn't buy me packs of fags and drugs because I'd be left out if they didn't.

We have lost all reason with the phone thing, we are literally putting the worst of humanity in the pocket of children and expecting them to cope with it. It's going to be viewed in the future as such a huge fuck up, it's causing such massive mental and emotional issues and we are handing this to our children on a plate, because saying no is too hard for us.

You are right about her maturity and in much of what you say. I repeat though that she IS NOT GETTING THE NEW PHONE YET AND IT IS NOT A REWARD. The capitals are because I have said several times that I am just trying to prepare so that when she does eventually get a new phone, I set it up properly. We have much work to do with her in the meantime.

All who are saying take her phone away and give her a brick. Surely you don't think that this is a permanent solution? I

Yes I can.

Go to settings

Go to Screen Time

Go to Content and Privacy Settings

Click the toggle so it shows green

If you have a password set up they can’t re download apps they have downloaded before.

There's no need to shout.

I am about to upgrade her phone, I am after practical advice about how best to set this up

possibly where the confusion is coming from. Hope this helps.

it does help. I suppose I thought the thread in general made the point that I was just trying to inform myself ready for when she does have the phone but fair point :-)

I use the paid for version of Qustodio and like it.

We used Family Link before and it was super frustrating. For some reason Qustodio won't block calls / messages if I want to, so I keep Family Link on there for for purpose, but manage everything else via Qustodio. We've had bog behavioural improvements as my son is no longer searching for dodgy stuff or watching YouTube videos I don't approve of (he knows I can see what he accesses)

This is the App I said earlier, but it was auto corrected. The police local to us received mend it, I’ve recommended it to parents as DSL: https://www.qustodio.com/en/premium/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=brand&utm_campaign=adw_es_web_brand___brand_spain-Qustodio-ES-B-Exa-AEL-DT+TA-SE-XX-XX&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=6923589502&gbraid=0AAAAAC984sIT9kxLlyAMJj7XHJzWi4WIk&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgvS1756ElgMVg39BAh12hyyqEAAYASAAEgJ6o_D_BwE

OP - Why is it so unreasonable to suggest a brick phone?

Yes WE use our phones for everything, because we're adults that have cognitively and emotionally developed enough to know how to us them safely, your daughter is 13. HUGE difference.

She doesn't NEED a smart phone, she wants one. She's shown history of breaking the rules around her phone. If she was older, 16 + and was attending work, or moving on to college etc then I would understand your insistence of needing a smart phone, but she's 13? Assuming she probably goes too and from school mainly, and meets her friends at weekends - what is the need for a smart phone with all these features that she is clearly showing she is not yet mature enough to use safely.

So yes, a brick phone is absolutely appropriate until she is emotionally mature enough to understand why the rules are in place, and to follow them.

You haven't been foolish. You've been negligent. Do you know how unsafe this is?

She isn't mature enough for a smart phone.

I’d also recommend this, definitely worth paying for - it got my DD through a rocky couple of years learning to be responsible with her phone. You can add it to her current phone.

Maybe first get your head around the fact that your DD doesn't have a phone. She hasn't signed the contract. It's your phone and she is borrowing it. There is no such thing as privacy, if you want to look at your own phone you can. If you want to take your own phone back, you can. There is so much nonsense on hear about "my daughters/sons phone". You can use various apps that give you remote access to the device so you can see what she's using your phone for. Remember also, if she is doing anything dodgy or illegal, it's you the police will come to speak to. So she doesn't get any privacy. Also, pop on your WiFi routers homepage and check what devices are linked, she may have or may get another phone somewhere. It really isn't difficult to stop someone using your own phone.

If she is lying about who she is with then that is another matter to deal with. She needs to be grounded for a week being dishonest and made to stay at home.

Absolutely. As I said in my previous posts, the trust issues are being addressed separately. It is the technical advice I'm seeking here.

Get her a laptop and a non smart mobile phone- parental controls will be easier and you can monitor and ration her usage.
She works with her phone all day every day, it is not sensible to believe you can keep up with that.