can you help me manage 13 year old's smart phone deceit ?

[Wumple]

Hi. I am wondering if anyone can offer me any tips on smartphone settings for my 13 year old daughter before I upgrade her phone. She seems to be able to download TikTok and Snapchat repeatedly even though there are parental controls on installing apps.

More worrying is that she knows I randomly check her phone so she deletes messages so I can't see them. Although I don't want to read her private messages, she has started seeing boys and is not always truthful about where she is. I have told her that her phone isn't truly private at her age and also that the more I can trust her the less I will look.

I also know that many will say 'just take the phone away from her' and this is an option but is also not sustainable these days. I am working on the trust with her separately but in the meantime as I am about to upgrade her phone, I am after practical advice about how best to set this up, especially:

1. Can it be set up so she can't bypass controls on new apps?
2. How best to link her phone to mine?
3. Can it be set up so she can't have messages that auto-delete?
4. If there was a very serious concern, can it be set up so that I can access message history?

Again, it's the practical advice I'm after. How do you all set up your teenagers' phones, especially where there are behaviour/trust concerns?

Thank you.

Have you tried Qustodio? Worked for us. You do have to pay for it though.

If I could rewind two years and take dd15's phone away, I would. Regardless of the grief she'd have given me.

It's been a constant battle of lies, her withholding information, being contacted by randoms, being contacted by classmates with serious MH issues, cyberbullying and worse.

I tried the DECO phone app and table top device, that limits screen time and automatically blocks her device after a certain time. It's quite good, it gives you some control but you might need help setting it up.

Seriously do not, do not upgrade her phone and certainly not if she's lied to you. 14 is peak lying age ime and I've raised three. It will get worse before it gets better.

Get her an old phone so she can text and tell her she's lucky you can afford it.

I appreciate you don’t want to take the phone away, but why is she getting an upgraded phone if she currently isn’t following the rules you’ve set out for her current phone?

The Quatodio parents app, it was suggested to us and works brilliantly.
You need to load it before she gets her new phone.

No, I have foolishly relied on trust, parental controls and checking her phone myself. Thanks you, I will look it up

If she is not always truthful about where she is, I would insist that she installs the Life360 app. If she stops sharing location, she loses her phone for a day.

Get her a dumb phone.

This is a good point and she isn't yet even though the contract has ended because I'm not happy with her behaviour. Ultimately she will get one though so I want to take the time to research it now so that it's more watertight next time. I have been naive but I have 2 older DDs who weren't like this so I thought the measure we took with them would be fine with the youngest

Thanks and I'm sorry you have also been through this. I am so tempted but it's not really a long term solution these days IMO. We use our phones for everything

thanks. This is exactly why I am asking now before I get the new phone

What sort of phone? An android will have different parental controls to an iPhone, we’ve used both and our girls have never been able to circumvent them (but they also aren’t the kind to try too hard!)

do you have it linked to your iCloud? My son is 13, and has a smart phone but if he wants to download anything I have to authorise it on my phone. He has no social media of any type. I also banned the specific websites manually of all social media including Reddit.

He isn’t allowed his phone after 7.30 either and it is kept in my room over night, and I check his phone as and when I want (which is weekly but the expectation is that it is given without complaint and if I suspect Lies then his phone is gone). As I tell him a phone is a privilege not a right. HOWEVER, I will say my son is very well behaved, and amenable and quiet. Very grown up for his age and just really lovely, he has had no problem with these rules - his brother is a pain in the arse and though he’s only 10, I am not sure if he’ll get a smart phone at all because I know he will not be as willing to follow these rules! Already bracing myself.

Just get her a SIM only contract.

You can add parental settings through apple while they’re minors (assuming you’re apple users). Staff in the apple shop are usually really helpful, I’d start by asking in there

she has bypassed these

@Wumple my DS is 15. His phone is on family link (android). He now knows how to bypass it but I can still see apps he installs and how much time on each app if needed.

We have rules and boundaries. If he breaks my rules then I take his phone for 24 hours. Its about trust.

His phone is always handed over 10pm and he can't have it back til he is up and showered.

My rules are fair and agreed with him so he now sticks to them.

iphone. My older DDs never tried to circumvent these controls but sadly the youngest is a different kettle of fish

this is great, thank you. a 24 hour removal is a good idea

sorry, I should have been clearer - we can see where she is but she lies about who with

Apple phones are relatively easy to bypass parental controls. Try ab androis phone instead. Google family link is much more robust.

Honestly as someone who is in social work dealing with missing kids please consider the implications of removing her phone.

if she does go missing, you’ve removed the only thing that can help with finding her, or making contact to check she is ok. Even a dumb phone compared to a smart phone makes it much harder as it doesn’t have the same locating technology.

you’d also be suprised the parents that swear their child doesn’t have a phone/a smart phone- they will. They get them from friends, or worse, older/adults who expect something in return.

it sounds like you need the apps mentioned if she can circumvent the normal tools.

This won't fix the underlying issue though. For a start she is openly and repeatedly disobeying you and gets rewarded with an upgraded phone! Ridiculous.

As I have said she is not getting the new phone at the moment. But eventually she will be and I want to make sure I learn from this and set it up correctly. And I am working on the trust separately but asking for practical/technical advice here in the meantime. Why is that 'ridiculous'. Why so antagonistic?

great answer, thanks so much for this point of view

I took my 13 year olds smart phone off her at the start of the year- she was accessing sites like discord and TikTok online rather than downloading apps, and had been taking to strangers online and lying to me about where she knew them from. She now has a Nokia brick and a SIM card from a company called Parentshield where I can access all her text messages and see a list of who she is calling. It was an ugly scene but after 6 months she’s now used to it!

We did this with our son’s phone. It’s worked so far.
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