AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

[OnTheWatersEdge]

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger.

When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them.

The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces.

Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know.

AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

I think there can be levels to family. OP got step niece a thoughtful gift and seems to have a positive relationship with her - that doesn’t mean the relationship is (or should be) the same as the one she has with her actual nieces.

I think of it like Mother’s Day - I liked and had a reasonable relationship with my stepmother growing up, but it was lesser than the one I had with my actual mother. The gifts and recognition I gave to my mother were substantially more valuable/meaningful than the relatively token gifts I gave my stepmother. After all, I didn’t choose her, I didn’t view her as my mother, and as it turned out, after my father died, the relationship faded to basically nothing as we weren’t really family - it was a mutual connection that brought us together and once the mutual connection was gone there was nothing holding us together.

Your brother assumed you would fund step-nieces driving lessons too. Don't broach the subject unless he brings it up.
I had similar issues with extended family. It was expected that what I did for one, I would do for all. It didn't matter that my financial circumstances might be different or my home situation changed.
It's not easy territory to navigate.

its such a difficult one. Blended families can be a nightmare for the wider family. Don’t feel bad. £50 is still very nice to receive. You may not afford to or be expecting to give more £1k gifts.

To be blunt - so what if she doesn't value her as part of the family in the same way? This girl is almost an adult! She should be able to understand that her stepfather's sister isn't going to feel the same way about her as she does blood relatives she's known from birth.

I care more about my siblings than my aunts and uncles. I care more about my aunts and uncles than my cousins. None of this means I don't love my cousins. I don't think people would be up in arms on here if I didn't spend the same on my cousin's birthday as I did on my sister's.

Yanbu at all. I can't believe people expect you to pay for your step nieces driving lessons, it was extremely generous of you to do it for your actual nieces.

Spending £100+ on her is lovely and the gifts sound very thoughtful.

I assume that he'd got into his head that you pay for driving lessons for 17 birthdays, and therefore assumed that you would do the same thing.

But hadn't actually really thought about the fact you aren't related to the birthday person

But definitely don't mention anything.

Your DB is very unreasonable and cheeky tbh. He didn’t pay for the driving lessons and he’s expecting you to pay for his SD too.

You are a generous gift giver OP. It’s uncomfortable for me to read your dbro response to your generosity is criticism shared with your parents. Driving lessons are so very thoughtful practical and helpful. What a wonderful gift and I hope they both learned to drive.

sounds like Dniece enjoyed her $100
value gift. She appreciated it.

spending on step children/ non blood line is a polarizing topic on MN. I personally do not spend on my brothers step children
or my own stepchildren the same. I am very generous to my own dc and nieces and nephews. This is my choice my money my time. It’s a bit easier because they are all older than my dc.
lastly…really do your parents brother his partner her ex his family etc etc think you should be funding step niece driving lessons?!

Then you'd be grabby and entitled too.

The OP isn't this teen's aunt. OP's given her £50, perfume and other gifts. That's pretty damned generous for a 17th birthday.

If the step niece's actual parents or step father can't be arsed giving her driving lessons, why on god's green earth would the stepdad's sister be the one expecting to?

I think your brother had a cheeky running to your parents to complain, OP, and they certainly shouldn't have passed that on to you.

Huge difference in money but it's difficult. Step niece I presume has help from her dad and his side of the family too, something your nieces wouldn't get?

Anyway, presents aren't always about money, it's about getting something that was wanted. Driving lessons is generous, perhaps SN will need something later on that's more expensive that you can help out with? Anything though comes from what you want to do, not what you feel obliged to do or guilted into doing by your brother.

Do you have children?

Maybe he can put his hand in his pocket for the driving lessons. Not your responsibility.

£50 vs £1000 is quite a difference. (I was expecting you to say more like £200 on the other nieces!). Well done on the 17 year old for apparently taking that on the chin.

When you’ve spent years working hard at creating a blended family, scrupulously treating every child exactly the same as far as possible, it’s very jarring when something like this happens. When this happened in our blended family the most upset, offended and vocal about it were the favoured “children” who were furious about it. It’s crass not to follow the lead of the parents in this situation.

How about your DB gets off his arse and gets an extra job to pay for his own children's driving lessons, and the blended family he has created, rather than expecting everyone else to pay for them?

Also, I had a step mum, and I have step siblings. I would be really annoyed if my own blood family stepped back in any way for fear of offending them.

That would just be another nail in the coffin of having this blended family imposed on me. I am in my 50's now and they are still the bane of my life, my no.1 issue with no let up from it.

Projecting 😕

I also think a lot of men would be less than thrilled at their ex-wife's new husband's family stepping in to pay for their child's driving lessons. Wouldn't this be something he wanted to do?

I have step parents and I've never expected their families to treat me like they do his actual children. If I was the stepchild here I'd have been thrilled with £50 plus gifts.

He hasn't got the guts to tell you himself. Ignore him - and your parents are being pricks for telling you.

Not if you are happy to accept that yourself neice will likely feel very bad about this ... unworthy almost.
I'd treat them all the same personally.

But SD has a dad too that can treat her your nieces didn’t.

Her bio dad should pay for her driving lessons surely? You paid for your brother’s girls to help your brother out.
I’d ignore it.

Omg this is really sad. That poor girl has been party of your family for 8 years and you've still singled her out for second grade treatment.

Its not about the money, its about the fact you've chosen to make such a glaring, obvious difference.

If your brother had had a 'new' live in partner for 8 years would you treat her as his wife, or decide that she hadn't been around long enough?

I don't get how families can be so cruel to step children. If your brother treats her as his child then so should you.

Step children take a lot of parenting. It must be very hurtful to him that you don't consider her his 'proper' child.

Pretty crass to be mentally spending a grand of someone else's money for them...

But there's a lesson here, which is that it would be best for everyone to be aware they can only blend the parts of a family they're in charge of. If it's going to be that much of a problem for you (general) should your extended families not treat all the kids in a financially identical manner, the onus is on you to sound everyone out as far as possible beforehand. And not blend the families if you can't be sure everyone agrees.

Does the step niece know about the differential treatment. For how long has she been part of your brother's life.andvis bio dad still on the scene? Did she get money or expensive gifts from her mother's or bio dad's side of the family? All of these things might be relevant.

I think you could have informed your brother in advance that you wouldn't be doing the same for his step daughter to have given him opportunity to address any expectations she might have had. Disappointment at that age is easier to handle if you are forewarned . If she is treated very differently and doesn't have other wider family filling the gaps, I can see why your brother is right to be upset , but I guess he and she and your sister in law have to get used to it, as you can't be compelled to treat her the same as your brother's own daughter's even if it's hurtful. I would think on how ' fair' the treatment is overall.

Of course he's upset. He thought he could milk the cash cow for his wife's children too, and has now found out otherwise.