AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

[OnTheWatersEdge]

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger.

When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them.

The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces.

Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know.

AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

And they are all fair comments, but appreciating how that might land when a much lower gift was given to her none bio niece, wouldn't you have mentioned this to avoid giving the impression she was "less than" before you did it?

"Hi Bro! Really sorry I would love to give X £1000 like I did her stepsisters but I'm not int he same financial places I was back then"

Also the OP hasn't said she couldn't afford it.

And the bio nieces Mum isn't dead either!

And now you are just clutching at straws.

Get your facts right!!! The nieces were given the £ for lessons when the step children had only just joined the family and weren’t tiny they were 10! So the brother has only spent 6-7 years being a step dad. They have their own parents and see their dad regularly! So they weren’t even really known to op when she gave the nieces the £! If the parents of the other kids were that bothered about their kids and the brother then they could have set up a savings account to pay for their driving lessons!! These kids have parents so why is a woman who isn’t even related to these children being made to feel like she should be paying for these kids driving lessons?!!!

In the OPs second post she says "They’ve been in the family for about 8 years".

And if you read what I have said clearly you will see that I have said the OP is free to gift whatever she wants. No one can force equality.

But she must accept the message she has sent:

• To her brother: Your family isn’t fully my family.
• To the stepniece: You are not valued the same.
• To the wider family: Blood outranks relationship.

Once that message is delivered, it cannot be undone, even if she later tries to “top up” the gift.

OPs 2nd post says they have been int he family about 8 yrs

It's definitely not clutching at straws, he either does or he doesn't and we don't know, you just decided he treated them equally and ran with that.

No we don't but on balance its likely and hopefully normal to do so and the fact he had hoped the same gift for his step daughter suggests that too

What if OP's brother goes on to have other partners by whom he has more step children?
At what point is OP NOT expected to fund driving lessons for youngsters she's connected to only because of someone else's decision(s)?

If they’ve led her to believe that OP is her aunt and that she is considered no differently to the nieces then they’ve lied to her.

If he didn’t have set expectations he would be thanking OP for her generosity, not complaining that it wasn’t good enough. I’m sure OP is also disappointed.

I'd personally think it's far more likely that he didn't.

And expecting it from his sister if he doesn't treat them equally himself could easily happen if he was a CF, and there's plenty of those out there.

Has your brother adopted this girl? If not then he has a bit of a cheek expecting you to treat her the same as his own daughters when he hasnt done.

Seriously, if you had step kids in your family for 8 years, you wouldn't want your family to accept you as one big family?

What you gave step niece was thoughtful and generous. Your db and sil are being grabby as fuck. SDN’s bio dad ought to pay half the lessons and her mum ought to pay the other half. Who has their step-aunt pay for lessons. Really unreasonable of them.

I’d say nothing. And think a lot less of brother.

That’s a really uncharitable leap, though. We don’t know he treated her unequally, and we don’t know he didn’t. But the fact he expected the same gift for her strongly suggests he does treat her as equal within his own household.

Most parents in blended families work very hard to make sure the children feel the same, it’s not unreasonable to assume that’s the case unless there’s evidence otherwise.

Saying “it’s far more likely he didn’t” is just projecting the worst‑case scenario because CFs exist. Sure, they do, but that doesn’t mean every man with a stepchild is automatically one. It’s a bit of a reach.

And even if he was imperfect (as most parents are), it still doesn’t change the impact of the aunt’s choice. The disparity in gifts sends a very clear message to a 17‑year‑old, regardless of what goes on inside her own home.

So yes, he can’t demand equal treatment from extended family, but he’s allowed to feel hurt when his daughter is singled out. That doesn’t make him a CF. It makes him a parent trying to protect his child’s feelings.

Adoption isn’t the benchmark for whether a child deserves to be treated kindly by extended family. Most blended families don’t go through formal adoption, it’s expensive, complicated, and often unnecessary when both households are stable. It doesn’t make the child any less part of her father’s day‑to‑day family.

And the brother expecting his sister to include his stepdaughter isn’t “cheeky.” It’s normal. He’s been raising her for eight years. She lives in his home. He’s her parental figure. That’s what matters.

If anything, the fact he did hope she’d be treated the same strongly suggests he does treat her equally himself. Parents who sideline stepchildren don’t usually fight their corner with extended family.

Saying “he hasn’t adopted her so she doesn’t count” is a pretty harsh stance. Families are built through relationships, not paperwork. The aunt is free to give whatever she wants, but she can’t pretend the disparity won’t hurt a 17‑year‑old who’s been part of the family for nearly a decade.

Adoption status doesn’t change the emotional impact of giving two girls £1000 and the third £50. The message is the same either way.

Posters on here are really stretching this.

So he can save the money and use it for driving lessons for his daughters.

No, the idea that blended families must emulate nuclear ones is weird to me, and not something I encounter outside of Mumsnet.

My brother had a stepchild for a few years. I wasn’t his aunt, and our parents were not his grandparents. My brother didn’t ever expect us to take on those roles, let alone bitch because a gift wasn’t deemed good enough.

OP has treated her kindly. She got her gifts to the value of £100.

7 years ago, OP gave her nieces £1000 for driving lessons. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect OP to have thought that in 7 years time she would need to give the same to a step-niece for driving lessons. There should be other people in the step-niece’s life that want to give her that gift, like family on her mum and dad’s side. All the gifts don’t need to come from the step-dad’s side.

She is part of his family. He treats her like family. You did not. Of course it upset him.

So treating someone like family means they should have £1,000 spent on them?

OP, if your brother adopted children after having biological children, would you treat them differently too?

Jeez. Well, of course - that’s the point of my original and sarcastic comment? Perhaps I should have added a /s or some sort of emoji for you as you clearly missed it.

But to clarify: There should be no expectation of the step niece’s father spending [considerable or any amounts of] money on gifts for his daughter’s step siblings - it is nuts. By by the same logic, there should be even LESS expectation of OP buying gifts for her nieces’s step siblings at all. She is even further removed - that she buys a gift at all is generous. There should be no expectation of £1000 contributions to driving lessons for an unrelated child.

If you’d actually read the thread properly, the value of the gift was over £100 and the birthday girl was extremely appreciative. If it “sends a message” that she’s different from OP’s actual biological nieces that’s because she is - it’s a different relationship and a different bond. Yet OP was still very generous and thoughtful despite this.

Thinking anyone is entitled to £1000 of someone else’s money and expecting your sister to bankroll your stepchild’s driving lessons is the most grasping, grabby thing I’ve ever read.

Are you one of those blood relatives obsessed people? (With some royal blood presumably, lol).

I disapprove of treating step children differently. It’s not kind and it’s not right.