AIBU to expect my brother to hear me out first?

[Goldielocks2p22]

My brother and I both do the same hobby, and it’s meant to be somewhere I go to improve my fitness, have fun and switch off from work. Me and him have historically been extremely close, go on holiday together, out for food etc.

The problem is, like a lot of groups, it comes with personalities, gossip and the odd bit of drama. A few months ago we had a huge falling out because several people came to me separately and told me things he’d been saying about me behind my back. I never told him who had told me because I didn’t want to create even more drama, but it really damaged my trust in him. We moved on, but our relationship has never really been the same.
Fast forward to this week. During a session the instructor accused me in front of everyone of cheating and not doing all my reps. I knew I’d done them, challenged it and carried on, but I left feeling embarrassed.
I messaged my brother afterwards because I was upset. Instead of saying something like, “That must have been embarrassing,” he immediately started defending the instructor. It was all about how he probably didn’t mean it, how that’s just his personality, how he likes winding people up, etc.
This is the bit that gets me. It feels like whenever I mention anything negative about the hobby, he automatically takes the side of the other members or instructors rather than mine. I don’t expect him to agree with everything I say, and I’m not asking him to fall out with anyone on my behalf. I just want him to acknowledge that I might be upset before jumping in to defend everyone else.
What makes it harder is that I spent years listening to him vent about work, his ex, family, life plans and everything else. I was always there to listen. Since the whole talking-behind-my-back situation, I don’t feel I get the same back.
I’ve now told him that I’ve learnt my lesson and I’ll just keep anything negative about the hobby to myself and only tell him the positives because I can’t keep having the same conversation where I feel like I’m defending myself rather than being listened to.
AIBU for expecting my own brother to hear me out first instead of automatically defending the other people involved?

Speaking about reps means it sounds like a bog standard exercise class.
Can't you just find another one.

The pair of you sound about twelve.

I agree with this. I would probably have responded similar to your brother with the intention of reassurance.

It all seems like a massive drama over nothing.

You weren’t accused of cheating in any meaningful way, ie to win against someone else. No one else will remember this at all.

YANBU Op. It sounds very much like the relationship is too much one way. You were a solid support to him for years when he needed to vent and in return, not only has he gossiped about you behind your back, he now can’t back you up when you need it.

This is about loyalty.

Whether this is intentional on his behalf or him being “just” an insensitive bloke only you can judge.

The main thing is whether you can talk to him about this directly (once some time has passed and you can discuss it calmly and rationally) and whether you can have any expectation of him listening and taking your perspective on board.

I have a similar rather disappointing relationship with my brother who is very self-involved. He was rather domineering during my childhood and to put it bluntly, even now as an adult, takes a lot more than he gives, but he can’t see it because it’s all about him. I tried to explain and was met with not only a misinterpretation of what I was saying g but a doubling down of his viewpoint.

Not that sibling relationships are transactional and of course you love them anyway, but over time, the imbalance and lack of willingness to understand makes me step back a bit.

I hope you can find a resolution with your brother op.

I was about to write pretty much what @Formatchangehell5421 has done so I won't say it again, she did it very well.

He souds very self centred - 'You're ruining his happy place', which I suspect you're right about - what about your happy place? If you think hard, how much of your previously close relationship has been because you've done the giving and he's done the taking?

Then you need to tell him that. Most relationships have had that moment where you have to tell them ‘when I’m complaining about X I am not looking for solutions or for you to argue with people, I just want some sympathy and comfort’.

This does describe it perfectly. If I’m honest I can’t see us ever sitting down and working it out as he’s never been accountable.

Even when I called him for slagging me off he refused to talk in person or over the phone. Wanted it all over text.

@Gymnopedie when I think about it’s always about him. During Covid he broke all the rules from day dot and when I called him out for it he said I was ruining his mental health

I have told him that and he’s response was me talking negatively about his happy place was draining for him

You care way too much about what your brother thinks. Also we can’t decide how someone is going to respond to us.