AIBU to expect my brother to hear me out first?

[Goldielocks2p22]

My brother and I both do the same hobby, and it’s meant to be somewhere I go to improve my fitness, have fun and switch off from work. Me and him have historically been extremely close, go on holiday together, out for food etc.

The problem is, like a lot of groups, it comes with personalities, gossip and the odd bit of drama. A few months ago we had a huge falling out because several people came to me separately and told me things he’d been saying about me behind my back. I never told him who had told me because I didn’t want to create even more drama, but it really damaged my trust in him. We moved on, but our relationship has never really been the same.
Fast forward to this week. During a session the instructor accused me in front of everyone of cheating and not doing all my reps. I knew I’d done them, challenged it and carried on, but I left feeling embarrassed.
I messaged my brother afterwards because I was upset. Instead of saying something like, “That must have been embarrassing,” he immediately started defending the instructor. It was all about how he probably didn’t mean it, how that’s just his personality, how he likes winding people up, etc.
This is the bit that gets me. It feels like whenever I mention anything negative about the hobby, he automatically takes the side of the other members or instructors rather than mine. I don’t expect him to agree with everything I say, and I’m not asking him to fall out with anyone on my behalf. I just want him to acknowledge that I might be upset before jumping in to defend everyone else.
What makes it harder is that I spent years listening to him vent about work, his ex, family, life plans and everything else. I was always there to listen. Since the whole talking-behind-my-back situation, I don’t feel I get the same back.
I’ve now told him that I’ve learnt my lesson and I’ll just keep anything negative about the hobby to myself and only tell him the positives because I can’t keep having the same conversation where I feel like I’m defending myself rather than being listened to.
AIBU for expecting my own brother to hear me out first instead of automatically defending the other people involved?

You took the side of the members of the hobby group when you believed them when they told you your brother was saying horrible things behind your back.
Its now a case of tit for tat

There are people in life, frequently family, who you have to very carefully filter what you say to them. Only give them a curated version of whatever you're telling them. Sadly, it's frequently close family members, which is sad because it creates distance and damages relationships.

I've learned this to my own cost.

(Shockingly bad writing - apologies!)

I think the shared hobby and the vibe of the group is the problem. Could you both agree to find different, separate clubs/groups if you want to to continue the hobby?

It sounds like a toxic environment and once you get away from it, you will both be glad, despite how important this specific group feels to either of you at moment.

He admitted he did say it

I can understand your frustration, but ultimately how your brother responds is not within your control. All you can do is exactly what you've done and decide what you do and don't want to share with him.

Then one of you needs to find a different hobby group. Sounds like a toxic, gossipy environment

Find a different hobby.

@Slightyamusedandsilly @Velvian

It’s a large portion of females who are very bitchy and love to stir the pot. They brand it a community but it’s only that if you’re in the click.

It’s a niche hobby so it’d take me 40 minutes to get the rival club instead of 15 minutes to there’s and I go before work. But I’ll look into it

Ultimately this has ruined our once close relationship

This all sounds bizarre. Why's everyone being so unpleasant and overly familiar at a fitness class? If your brother has proven himself to be a dick, just stop looking to him for support and comfort.

he is your brother
he feels he can speak his mind

No hobby and its members is worth ruining a relationship with your brother over. You’ve already said the group is cliquey, bitchy and gossipy - I would have left on that basis alone.
Ditch the group, reconnect with your brother if that’s what you want to do (tho he has shown himself to be a dick. Is this because he was trying to fit in with the clique?)

I don't think you are unreasonable in wanting your brother to be there for you, but he has shown you he isn't to be trusted so you need to pull back and protect yourself.

I'm not sure about this - it was members of the group who let OP know he was talking about her behind her back and he admitted it.

I assume this is something like CrossFit? I wouldn’t be going somewhere where the instructor makes me feel like shit.

But what were the reasons for the group doing this? Probably to stir up trouble. The brother sounds like a twat

What you are seeing as him defending them could also be interpreted as reassuring you that it wasn't a personal attack or that big a deal. He was saying that's just what the instructor is like, so you have no need to be embarrassed, nobody thought it was you.

It doesn't sound like you like the group much, can you try to take the emotion out of it a bit and just go for the exercise? I don't think it's worth destroying your relationship with your brother over.

The group has now been the source of two falling out between you and so it would be better if one of you stopped going and just engaged with the other in different ways.

A hobby should be fun which clearly it isnt for you and sounds like your brother has got wrapped up in it and taking it too seriously. If it was something you were talking to him about that had nothing to do with this hobby then would he listen to you, support you etc...? If yes, then ditch the hobby or join this other club. If no then a few words with your brother would be in order as well.

I don’t think his comments about the instructor were intended to take his side. They were intended to try and make you feel better - by saying it’s just how he is e.g don’t take it personally. Albeit I accept this isn’t how you took it.
What was your brother saying about you? Was it trivial or a big issue?
it’s sounds like some space between you might help.

The issue is not the latest drama, the issue is the class itself. Presumably you are paying to attend this bitchy toxic group?
Why? It sounds like the worst part of a school playground.
Your instructor sounds so unprofessional.
He / she should not be encouraging gossipy bitchy cliques, your brother shouldn't be joining in and the instructor should not be " motivating" people by publicly accusing them of lying about their exercise rate!

There are better clubs out there.
Go and try some different places. Find an instructor who has a more professional attitude to help you achieve your goals. It shouldn't be difficult. Most places I have used are better than this place sounds.
You can still talk to your brother about how your fitness is improving and compare notes, it's just time for you to go your own way and find some more grown up gym companions - and that includes your brother!

Wasn’t the brother the source when he started bad mouthing op?

I don’t see what he did wrong in this interaction.

I appreciate he didn’t respond how you wanted, or maybe how you would have responded.
But if you weren’t annoyed at him you’d maybe view his response as trying to make you feel better by saying that the instructor did mean anything by it.

Whenever I say anything to do with the club he automatically sides with them.

He sided with the instructor with very empathy to how it’d be feel to be made out to be cheating in front of a class full of people. I do struggle to find out with his delivery you could put that down to banter.

Another example of the female actively ignore me in person for 4 weeks, went on a night out and started talking to me like she had ignored me for 4 weeks but he didn’t see the issue

For me I didn’t think it was unreasonable to talk to about my bad experiences but he seems to think I’m now running his happy place by telling him things that have gone on