Aibu to call them a cheater?

[SassyTee]

Not sure if I'm overreacting.
Happy to hear from anyone who's been somewhere similar, or be told I'm being too sensitive, or I'm doing the right thing.

Been with partner for 2 years. Good relationship, few ups and downs as we have both been dealing with highly stressful personal situations so have let the stress get the better of us and taken it out on each other a couple of times, but always communicate well and learn how to do better in future. Overall it has been a respectful, kind, safe, loving relationship. Or so I thought.

One of those stressful personal situations was recent, and we had a few cross words. As mentioned, we talked about it after we'd cooled down and was OK.
Well 2 weeks after that, partner was staying over. Their phone kept buzzing so I picked it up just to check it wasn't their parents trying to get hold of them (1 parent is pretty unwell, never looked at their phone before or felt the need to, they've never been secretive over it and will leave it next to me when out the room etc). Anyway, what i saw was a newly downloaded dating app (I know it's new as it's one that has only recently been advertised so didn't exist until very recently).
I woke them up and confronted them about it, but they got mad at me for having their phone, grabbed it back and stormed out.

That was 3 weeks ago.
I have had all the professions of love, sorry, 'it was a stupid lack of judgment'. They say they saw the advertisement after we had the falling out 2 weeks prior and just clicked download, but then didn't bother setting up a profile and hadn't thought about it since.
I am of the opinion it's cheating and whether or not a profile was made, intent was there if only for that moment they sat and downloaded it.
They don't understand why I'm making such a big deal about it and why am I willing to throw away 2 mostly amazing years on their 1 moment of stupidity. I say they are the one who threw away 2 years the moment they decided to download an app.

It's been 3 weeks since I ended it after discovering the app.
I currently don't trust my own feelings or judgment as it's still quite fresh and I have other things going on at the moment causing me a lot of stress too.

Am I overreacting? Would you react the same?
Is it cheating, or not? Would you end what was overall a good relationship on this one occasion?

So i suppose, AIBU to call it cheating and dump them, or AINBU as it is definitely cheating.

This strikes me as an excuse. No one in their late 30s ends a long term, thought they were the one relationship over a fucking dating App downloaded after an argument. I think you’ve been unhappy for some time and were looking for a reason to end it. I think you’ve been let down before, which is why you have trust issues and go nuclear at the first hint of potential impending abandonment.

Seriously girl, go get some therapy, otherwise this will just keep repeating. It’s all good until you have a fight and the other person does something hurtful, but not abusive and not cheating (imho) - and you’re harder on them than a hanging judge. You have a flight reaction to it. You don’t want to work things out. Why is that?

on this one , im guessing serial cheater or they like the attention and thrill of the chase, personally id say run @SassyTee

Unless it's one where you look for friends/people associated with your hobby, as well as romantic partners can't see why anyone in a relationship would have an app like that.

Some assumptions there.
We were happy. I was definitely not looking for a reason to end it. But yes I did because I find it unacceptable for someone in a long term committed relationship to download an app for meeting people with the intent of some form of relationship.
It's good for you that you'd overlook a partner downloading dating apps but I refuse to be treated in that way.

Never done this before as far as I'm aware. Never shown any signs previously of being capable of being disrespectful in this way.

I genuinely loved them and wanted to be together but now my trust has been broken and their behaviour since has been quite upsetting.

"The app was sat there on the screen with all the other normal apps"

So if, as he claims, he had no intention of setting up a profile and using the app, why didn't he delete it? I wouldn't trust him.

You made the right choice. If they genuinely didn’t make a profile, they’d have opened the app in front of you to show you that. Your reaction to seeing the dating app is a normal one, and they would’ve been happy to show you their phone to put your mind at rest. Instead they stormed out, so there’s no way of proving their innocence. The trust is gone. You’re grieving the loss of the relationship you thought you had.

It’s irrelevant. If he’s downloading dating apps he’s looking for an out. That’s going to happen eventually. You could try and work on your relationship, but given his first instinct was to look elsewhere, I wouldnt waste my time.

Only you can decide if it is not acceptable for you. You have the right to end a relationship for any reason. MN is always so much more forgiving if it is the woman who has cheated. take a look at the replies on this thread.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5544071-should-i-tell-my-husband-about-an-affair-that-ended-last-month?page=13&reply=153361811
If it is over for you, it is over.
PS Been married fifty years and I have never 'checked' my husband's phone. I might fetch him if it was ringing but helpfully 'check' his messages. Never.

always communicate well and learn how to do better in future.

you have only been together for 2 years, and it sound horribly hard work already.
If you already have to work on things when it should be the "honeymoon period",
it's not a brilliant life

and now the dating app. It's not "cheating" (yet) as such, but I can't imagine what future you imagine for the 2 of you when it's the situation after only 2 years.

IMO neither of you come out of this looking good.
You seem to be minimising the original argument as cross words, you mention that you have taken stress out on each other and you looked on their phone and woke them up with what you found they then left.

However you want to paint this, its not a healthy relationship.

Also you have both breached each others boundaries.

A 2 year relationship does not need to be this complicated

Cheating or not whatever you call it is not sustainable

Your relationship was over the moment you decided to snoop through his phone. You don’t trust him & you think downloading an app is cheating.

Yes he could have shown you he hadn’t made a profile but you do realise you were in the wrong at that moment, he wakes up and you are straight throwing accusations out.

it all sounds a bit toxic and chaotic to be fair.

That aside there is a thread running at the mo where a lady’s husband has an addiction to porn/dating apps etc. go have a read of that just to put the nail in the coffin of why you shouldn’t try and work through it.

He probably hasn’t done anything wrong, he could still show you the app now and that there is no profile if its true but there still won’t be any trust. Fine looking at his phone to see who is calling but you took it way too far.

Sadly I think this.
They may indeed care about you, but it is highly likely they did set up that app.

If they truly value you, they might have downloaded it in a moment of frustration but to leave it there?
Nope.

They took a chance, have massively taken you and the relationship for granted.

They are a cheater and these are the consequences.

Despite your huge hurt, I don't think you will every fully trust them agai., certainly not after you have conflict.

I'm so sorry OP. Very disappointing for you.

Please DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM. I did several times after incidents like this. I allowed him to convince me (each time) that it was a massive lapse of judgement and he only wanted me. Twenty years later Ifinally realised that he got his validation by flirting with women at the expense of respect for me and the relationship whenever we had a row. I m 66, the house is being sold and I m so angry with myself for not leaving him the first time he told a woman on line what "great tits" she had. (Oh and yes he massively underestimated my IT skills)

with all due respect, they usually plan not to get caught, and they never give any signs if they are careful etc

I couldn’t live like that, it’s too much deceit, move on, do yourself a favour.

You were going through their phone. You could have let them know their phone had gone off, you didn’t have to look. If you felt you had to, the relationship is ultimately doomed. You don’t believe what they have said about it, which means you will fester.

Run

It doesn't matter what you do or don't consider cheating. It's clear this has annoyed you (as it would me) - just dump him.

A blip and they click, give this the single finger flick they deserve.
Seriously, you've had a fab almost 2 years but the moment things got a bit tough and on the day you had a disagreement he's added a dating website. Fuck this one off. Throw newborns, financial worries, moving and all the other big life events, he's not going to stay around. Not worth your energy

Get rid. Totally unacceptable.

Why do you refer to him/her as “they”? It’s very confuse and sounds as if you have several partners. Or do you?

They is gender neutral and OP is obviously trying to keep this gender neutral as their sex is irrelevant

Look it wouldn't bother me that much. You cant control what people do. If you really feel that he genuinely did not sleep with other people as a result of this app I would give it a second chance. People mess up all the time.